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RE: THE THREAD!!! - 5/26/2011 7:09:20 PM   
thegreatwent


Posts: 3011
Joined: 8/24/2004
From: Denver, CO
Status: offline
quote:

U.S. Army believed they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus.
They promised the officers who volunteered retirement a bonus of $ 1.000 for every inch measured in a straight line between two points on his body.
The officers were free to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he would be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes.
His measurement was 72 inches and he went out with a bonus of $ 72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes.
He walked out with $ 96,000.

The third was an old warrant officer, a real grizzly bear. When they asked how he would like to be measured, he replied
"From the tip of the penis to my testicles."

They wondered if maybe he would not reconsider its dimensions, and talks about the nice big bonuses the previous two officers had received.
But the old officer insisted, and they decided to let him have his measurements done as he wished. The measurement was performed by a medical officer.

The doctor came and gave the officer the order to "drop 'em", which he did.
The doctor puts out the measuring tape at the tip and begins to measure down when he suddenly exclaims ..
- "Oh my God! Where are your testicles?"
- "In Vietnam."


Grollub I am definitely going to use this joke.

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Post #: 20341
RE: THE THREAD!!! - 5/26/2011 7:09:43 PM   
thegreatwent


Posts: 3011
Joined: 8/24/2004
From: Denver, CO
Status: offline 		Oops and a surprise UNP!

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(in reply to thegreatwent)
Post #: 20342
RE: THE THREAD!!! - 5/26/2011 7:10:20 PM   
Schanilec

 

Posts: 4040
Joined: 6/12/2010
From: Grand Forks, ND
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: jeffk3510

We're 2-3 weeks out from Wheat Harvest in Kansass. Wouldn't mind rain, sick of this damned heat.

So that's where the heat is.

31 degrees this morning tied the record low. But by jove I think we'll get into the 60's today. Time to get the pitch foks and torches out. The weatherman says we'll see near 80's late next week. And for the long weekend....rain. Wanna swap weather. Planting has just started in the last week. Don't need rain yet. However though, no mosquitos.

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This is one Czech that doesn't bounce.

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Post #: 20343
RE: THE THREAD!!! - 5/26/2011 7:57:33 PM   
jeffk3510


Posts: 4132
Joined: 12/3/2007
From: Kansas
Status: offline 		It was 40 this morning, and now it is 70-75ish I think. I am blown away the planters are just now being broken out. Corn nation wide was 65% planted vs 85% this time last year according to USDA...USDA puts out numbers to fit their needs if you ask me.

Corn is already 5-6 inches high here. Dryland is struggling already with lack of rain.

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Life is tough. The sooner you realize that, the easier it will be.

Currently chasing three kids around the Midwest.

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Post #: 20344
RE: THE THREAD!!! - 5/26/2011 8:03:55 PM   
Apollo11


Posts: 24082
Joined: 6/7/2001
From: Zagreb, Croatia
Status: offline 		Hi all,

It was +29 degrees Centigrade (84.2 F) here (same for past few days) with blue skies and sun... it is end of May... this should be at the end of July...


Leo "Apollo11"

_____________________________



Prior Preparation & Planning Prevents Pathetically Poor Performance!

A & B: WitW, WitE, WbtS, GGWaW, GGWaW2-AWD, HttR, CotA, BftB, CF
P: UV, WitP, WitP-AE

(in reply to jeffk3510)
Post #: 20345
RE: THE THREAD!!! - 5/26/2011 9:10:21 PM   
Grollub


Posts: 6674
Joined: 10/9/2005
From: Lulea, Sweden
Status: offline 		Good night friends

_____________________________

“Not mastering metaphores is like cooking pasta when the train is delayed"

(in reply to Apollo11)
Post #: 20346
RE: THE THREAD!!! - 5/26/2011 9:20:05 PM   
BrucePowers


Posts: 12094
Joined: 7/3/2004
Status: offline 		Afternoon all.

(in reply to Grollub)
Post #: 20347
RE: THE THREAD!!! - 5/26/2011 9:21:18 PM   
anarchyintheuk

 

Posts: 3921
Joined: 5/5/2004
From: Dallas
Status: offline 		Not much of an all here today atm. Trying to think of a reason to leave work early . . . must . . . . concentrate.

(in reply to BrucePowers)
Post #: 20348
RE: THE THREAD!!! - 5/26/2011 9:38:30 PM   
Terminus


Posts: 41459
Joined: 4/23/2005
From: Denmark
Status: offline 		I had to change a lightbulb over my bathroom sink today. When I unscrewed the old one, I dropped it, and it bounced off the sink, high enough for me to actually catch it in the air. Beats sweeping up glass shards...

_____________________________

We are all dreams of the Giant Space Butterfly.

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Post #: 20349
RE: THE THREAD!!! - 5/26/2011 9:40:27 PM   
Schanilec

 

Posts: 4040
Joined: 6/12/2010
From: Grand Forks, ND
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: jeffk3510

It was 40 this morning, and now it is 70-75ish I think. I am blown away the planters are just now being broken out. Corn nation wide was 65% planted vs 85% this time last year according to USDA...USDA puts out numbers to fit their needs if you ask me.

Corn is already 5-6 inches high here. Dryland is struggling already with lack of rain.

Spring has been late the last couple of years. They are probably over 50% planted now. It was about time to think of short season crops like soy beans. Now if the rains will hold off. Doesn't look good for the weekend.

_____________________________

This is one Czech that doesn't bounce.

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Post #: 20350
RE: THE THREAD!!! - 5/26/2011 9:49:07 PM   
anarchyintheuk

 

Posts: 3921
Joined: 5/5/2004
From: Dallas
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Terminus

I had to change a lightbulb over my bathroom sink today. When I unscrewed the old one, I dropped it, and it bounced off the sink, high enough for me to actually catch it in the air. Beats sweeping up glass shards...


Very cat-like. No matter how I try I never seem to get all of the shards on the first try.

Happy hour/4-day weekend fu. Y'all have fun.

(in reply to Terminus)
Post #: 20351
RE: THE THREAD!!! - 5/26/2011 10:36:08 PM   
Mynok


Posts: 12108
Joined: 11/30/2002
Status: offline
All you have to do is take your shoes off and walk through it. You'll find all the shards very quickly.

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Post #: 20352
RE: THE THREAD!!! - 5/26/2011 10:39:28 PM   
Apollo11


Posts: 24082
Joined: 6/7/2001
From: Zagreb, Croatia
Status: offline 		Hi all,

Zssssssss time...


Leo "Apollo11"

_____________________________



Prior Preparation & Planning Prevents Pathetically Poor Performance!

A & B: WitW, WitE, WbtS, GGWaW, GGWaW2-AWD, HttR, CotA, BftB, CF
P: UV, WitP, WitP-AE

(in reply to Mynok)
Post #: 20353
RE: THE THREAD!!! - 5/26/2011 11:05:28 PM   
Terminus


Posts: 41459
Joined: 4/23/2005
From: Denmark
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Mynok


All you have to do is take your shoes off and walk through it. You'll find all the shards very quickly.


And many people will know...

_____________________________

We are all dreams of the Giant Space Butterfly.

(in reply to Mynok)
Post #: 20354
RE: THE THREAD!!! - 5/26/2011 11:16:47 PM   
Schanilec

 

Posts: 4040
Joined: 6/12/2010
From: Grand Forks, ND
Status: offline 		Can't beat last fall. Cleaning the patio table glass with soapy water. It slipped when I was sliding it to lean against the table to rinse with the hose....well 'nough said. Now it is how much to replace. I bet over $200.00. Why do I try. Slid off the roof shovelling snow. I'll never learn. Just be lazy and save.

_____________________________

This is one Czech that doesn't bounce.

(in reply to Terminus)
Post #: 20355
RE: THE THREAD!!! - 5/26/2011 11:56:22 PM   
USSAmerica


Posts: 18715
Joined: 10/28/2002
From: Graham, NC, USA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Terminus

I had to change a lightbulb over my bathroom sink today. When I unscrewed the old one, I dropped it, and it bounced off the sink, high enough for me to actually catch it in the air. Beats sweeping up glass shards...


Nice! Buy a lottery ticket!

_____________________________

Mike

"Good times will set you free" - Jimmy Buffett

"They need more rum punch" - Me


Artwork by The Amazing Dixie

(in reply to Terminus)
Post #: 20356
RE: THE THREAD!!! - 5/26/2011 11:58:02 PM   
USSAmerica


Posts: 18715
Joined: 10/28/2002
From: Graham, NC, USA
Status: offline 		Hockey rink - Tithe. 

_____________________________

Mike

"Good times will set you free" - Jimmy Buffett

"They need more rum punch" - Me


Artwork by The Amazing Dixie

(in reply to USSAmerica)
Post #: 20357
RE: THE THREAD!!! - 5/27/2011 12:05:23 AM   
Terminus


Posts: 41459
Joined: 4/23/2005
From: Denmark
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: USS America


quote:

ORIGINAL: Terminus

I had to change a lightbulb over my bathroom sink today. When I unscrewed the old one, I dropped it, and it bounced off the sink, high enough for me to actually catch it in the air. Beats sweeping up glass shards...


Nice! Buy a lottery ticket!


I think I probably used my luck, which is kinda sad, since there's the equivalent of about $1.5mill in the pot this week.

_____________________________

We are all dreams of the Giant Space Butterfly.

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Post #: 20358
RE: THE THREAD!!! - 5/27/2011 12:43:56 AM   
Kwik E Mart


Posts: 2447
Joined: 7/22/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Terminus

I had to change a lightbulb over my bathroom sink today. When I unscrewed the old one, I dropped it, and it bounced off the sink, high enough for me to actually catch it in the air. Beats sweeping up glass shards...


wow! soft sink or thick light bulb? my luck, not only would it have shattered, but a shard would have found it's way into my eye...

_____________________________

Kirk Lazarus: I know who I am. I'm the dude playin' the dude, disguised as another dude!
Ron Swanson: Clear alcohols are for rich women on diets.

(in reply to Terminus)
Post #: 20359
RE: THE THREAD!!! - 5/27/2011 4:53:24 AM   
scott64


Posts: 4019
Joined: 9/12/2004
From: Colorado
Status: offline 		3 days until vacation.

_____________________________

Lucky for you, tonight it's just me


Any ship can be a minesweeper..once !! :)

http://suspenseandmystery.blogspot.com/

(in reply to Kwik E Mart)
Post #: 20360
RE: THE THREAD!!! - 5/27/2011 6:58:42 AM   
sprior


Posts: 8596
Joined: 6/18/2002
From: Portsmouth, UK
Status: offline 		Same!

_____________________________

"Grown ups are what's left when skool is finished."
"History started badly and hav been geting steadily worse."
- Nigel Molesworth.



(in reply to scott64)
Post #: 20361
RE: THE THREAD!!! - 5/27/2011 8:51:10 AM   
warspite1


Posts: 41353
Joined: 2/2/2008
From: England
Status: offline 		Morning all. Right after me:

Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday to you
Happy birthday dear warspite1
Happy birthday to you

Good news - I got "The Battle of Leyte Gulf" and "Neptune's Inferno" - hussah!!

Bad news - I am running into a log jam with my books at the moment - 3/4 of the way into Dunkirk, 1/4 of the way into "The German Invasion of Norway" and with "The Battle for Norway" and now these two new one's waiting to be read. So many books, so little time....

_____________________________

England expects that every man will do his duty. Horatio Nelson October 1805



(in reply to sprior)
Post #: 20362
RE: THE THREAD!!! - 5/27/2011 9:24:25 AM   
Apollo11


Posts: 24082
Joined: 6/7/2001
From: Zagreb, Croatia
Status: offline 		Hi all,

Good morning!


Leo "Apollo11"

_____________________________



Prior Preparation & Planning Prevents Pathetically Poor Performance!

A & B: WitW, WitE, WbtS, GGWaW, GGWaW2-AWD, HttR, CotA, BftB, CF
P: UV, WitP, WitP-AE

(in reply to warspite1)
Post #: 20363
RE: THE THREAD!!! - 5/27/2011 9:25:23 AM   
Apollo11


Posts: 24082
Joined: 6/7/2001
From: Zagreb, Croatia
Status: offline 		Hi all,

Happy birthday Kristian!




Leo "Apollo11"

_____________________________



Prior Preparation & Planning Prevents Pathetically Poor Performance!

A & B: WitW, WitE, WbtS, GGWaW, GGWaW2-AWD, HttR, CotA, BftB, CF
P: UV, WitP, WitP-AE

(in reply to Terminus)
Post #: 20364
RE: THE THREAD!!! - 5/27/2011 9:52:25 AM   
Grollub


Posts: 6674
Joined: 10/9/2005
From: Lulea, Sweden
Status: offline 		Good morning friends.

_____________________________

“Not mastering metaphores is like cooking pasta when the train is delayed"

(in reply to Apollo11)
Post #: 20365
RE: THE THREAD!!! - 5/27/2011 9:52:57 AM   
Grollub


Posts: 6674
Joined: 10/9/2005
From: Lulea, Sweden
Status: offline 		... and happy birthday to both Terminus & Warspite1!

_____________________________

“Not mastering metaphores is like cooking pasta when the train is delayed"

(in reply to Grollub)
Post #: 20366
RE: THE THREAD!!! - 5/27/2011 11:11:02 AM   
sprior


Posts: 8596
Joined: 6/18/2002
From: Portsmouth, UK
Status: offline 		twins!

_____________________________

"Grown ups are what's left when skool is finished."
"History started badly and hav been geting steadily worse."
- Nigel Molesworth.



(in reply to Grollub)
Post #: 20367
RE: THE THREAD!!! - 5/27/2011 11:11:32 AM   
sprior


Posts: 8596
Joined: 6/18/2002
From: Portsmouth, UK
Status: offline 		is it just me or does Frozen Synapse look like Laser Squad?

_____________________________

"Grown ups are what's left when skool is finished."
"History started badly and hav been geting steadily worse."
- Nigel Molesworth.



(in reply to sprior)
Post #: 20368
RE: THE THREAD!!! - 5/27/2011 11:13:12 AM   
Terminus


Posts: 41459
Joined: 4/23/2005
From: Denmark
Status: offline 		I still have no idea what that game's about...

_____________________________

We are all dreams of the Giant Space Butterfly.

(in reply to sprior)
Post #: 20369
RE: THE THREAD!!! - 5/27/2011 11:13:15 AM   
sprior


Posts: 8596
Joined: 6/18/2002
From: Portsmouth, UK
Status: offline 		Does anyone else here read the Daily Smash? Here's a (poor) taste -er

Helen Archer, a taxpayer with all the answers from Stevenage, said: "Last month I was forced to remove the Style and Culture pack from my Sky TV subscription.

"And for what? So Nick Clegg's Spanish wife can give some penicillin to a Hindu?"

But the campaign has been opposed by people who love the overseas so much you wonder why they do not just go and live there in their own filth.

Tom Logan, a poofter, said: "While subsidising the Indian space programme does seem inexplicable, I am generally supportive of foreign babies remaining alive.

"Not only that but if we help them then one day we might be able to sell things to them and hopefully they won't come here and blow themselves up on the bus."

Logan then returned to watching your children through a telescope

_____________________________

"Grown ups are what's left when skool is finished."
"History started badly and hav been geting steadily worse."
- Nigel Molesworth.



(in reply to sprior)
Post #: 20370
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