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PURRsecution... Examining M4Jess's Hatred

 
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PURRsecution... Examining M4Jess's Hatred - 1/30/2003 11:25:23 AM   
Bernie


Posts: 1779
Joined: 3/15/2002
From: Depot HQ - Virginia
Status: offline 		Poor Jess! His utter, total hatred of "kats" has warped him so terribly! But, how did this obsession get started? Let's examine his early childhood for some clues:

I suppose the root of the problem began with his Grandfather "M1Jess", who used to wear a cat in his beard and then torment poor M4 by hugging him and letting the cat pop out and scare him. That's his picture below:




Sometimes the cat would even steal poor baby M4's toys!



Or wait for young Jess to get his morning breakfast cereal and pounce upon him from inside the cupboard!



Jess would often retaliate by taking one of the cats (his family had many) and stuffing it in the dryer on "fluff", without a static sheet!



This, quite naturally, ticked the cat off royally...



(to be continued)

< Message edited by Bernie -- 9/22/2009 7:13:29 AM >

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Post #: 1
Part 2 - 1/30/2003 11:44:31 AM   
Bernie


Posts: 1779
Joined: 3/15/2002
From: Depot HQ - Virginia
Status: offline 		(continued)

Even Christmas, such a wonderful time of year for most children, was unhappy for poor Jess! The cats would lie in wait for him to come down and open his presents:




Several times as an infant Jess was forced to defend himself as huge cats would try to crush his little legs with their weight!



They'd even pretend to be ghosts at night to frighten lil M4:



Or sit staring at him with their evil eyes as he tried to sleep



When Jess reached school age, and was at last able to spend a few, precious hours in a cat free environment, they'd wait patiently for him to come home...plotting their evil plots!



When the cats discovered that Jess had a severe allergy to fur, they took to sleeping in his jeans, causing him to be laughed at the next day as he constantly scratched himself in public:



They'd even steal the food off his fork when he tried to eat his dinner



Even the bathtub was not safe for poor Jess, their hatred of him being even stronger than their hatred of water!



(to be continued)

< Message edited by Bernie -- 9/22/2009 7:15:00 AM >

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What, me worry?

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Post #: 2
Part 3 - 1/30/2003 12:23:52 PM   
Bernie


Posts: 1779
Joined: 3/15/2002
From: Depot HQ - Virginia
Status: offline 		(continued)

Much of the PURRsecution of M4Jess can be laid at the paws of this cat, the notorious "Godfather Cat" who, from his hideout by the window, directed his minions in their nefarious deeds.



He had his followers stalk poor Jess without mercy...

Hiding in the laundry



On his bike



Inside the daily paper



Poor Jess couldn't even use his litterbox...err the toilet!



And these were no ordinary cats! These were trained commando cats who would sometimes train and exercise to the point of exhaustion!



(to be continued)

< Message edited by Bernie -- 9/22/2009 7:17:47 AM >

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What, me worry?

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Post #: 3
Part 4 - 1/30/2003 12:34:06 PM   
Bernie


Posts: 1779
Joined: 3/15/2002
From: Depot HQ - Virginia
Status: offline 		(continued)

Eventually, things between Jess and the cats turned ugly...and deadly! These police photos document a meeting between one of the sub-bosses and two members of the infamous "Hiss Squad" gang of cutthroats. The end result was a plot to rewire M4's stereo to shock him when he turned it down. But the "hit cat", possibly high on refined catnip, bungled the job and was electrocuted.




Though the job was never pinned on any cat in particular, two members of the "Hiss Squad" did get lengthy jail time for their part in it.



The boss of the "Hiss Squad", a cat known only as "The Goblin", was FURious and swore a blood vendetta against Jess.



(to be continued)

< Message edited by Bernie -- 9/22/2009 7:18:49 AM >

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What, me worry?

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Post #: 4
Part 5 - 1/30/2003 12:42:30 PM   
Bernie


Posts: 1779
Joined: 3/15/2002
From: Depot HQ - Virginia
Status: offline 		(continued)

Enough was enough for little Jess! After the trial he packed his bags and fled, vowing to somewhere, somehow, find a weapon that would save him from the cats and destroy them all!

But, the cats are still out there...waiting:



Searching the bars and the fields





Even scouring the Internet



Looking for M4Jess....

So, as you can see, Jess has ample reason for his complete and utter hatred of cats. But, what of his obsession with the Sherman?

NEXT: "M4"...a highway in England, or one man's road to madness?

;)

< Message edited by Bernie -- 5/1/2004 11:19:05 PM >

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What, me worry?

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Post #: 5
- 1/30/2003 1:13:44 PM   
rbrunsman


Posts: 1837
Joined: 1/31/2002
From: Phoenix, AZ
Status: offline 		LOL. Bernie, I think you have waaaay too much time on your hands! :D Not that I don't believe you. Someone needs to get to the bottom of Jess' pathological dislike of the lovely kitties!

(in reply to Bernie)
Post #: 6
- 1/30/2003 1:25:58 PM   
Bernie


Posts: 1779
Joined: 3/15/2002
From: Depot HQ - Virginia
Status: offline 		[QUOTE]Originally posted by rbrunsman
[B]LOL. Bernie, I think you have waaaay too much time on your hands! :D Not that I don't believe you. Someone needs to get to the bottom of Jess' pathological dislike of the lovely kitties! [/B][/QUOTE]

Gee...now why would you say that I have too much time on my hands? :)

As it happens, I'm on vacation from work this week, and I just finished half a pot of coffee that I thought was decaf...but wasn't...

So, I figured I'd find a funny cat picture and post something humorous about Jess...

Fortunately, or unfortunately depending on how you look at it, when I did a Google for "funny cat pictures" the very first link that came up was a site with 11 pages of pictures like these! Now, how could I NOT have some major fun with all that material? :D


It was actually the kind of stuff I do best, making up a story as I go along (I've been a writer for many years and have three books due out the end of the year or early '04).

Besides, I happen to like Jess, and I know he can appreciate a good laugh. :)

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What, me worry?

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Post #: 7
- 1/30/2003 2:14:28 PM   
tracer


Posts: 1865
Joined: 11/22/2000
From: New Smyrna Beach, FL USA
Status: offline 		*COUGH!*....*CHOKE!* :D Bernie, I think I busted a [I]gut[/I]! Folks are gonna have coffee shooting outta their noses when they see these in the morning. :D :D

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Jim NSB

(in reply to Bernie)
Post #: 8
Too late - 1/30/2003 5:18:12 PM   
Don Doom


Posts: 2446
Joined: 9/23/2000
From: Lost somewhere in the upper backwoods of Michigan!
Status: offline 		I now have to go get changed for work as I snorted coffee out my nose over the keyboard and myself. lmao

Like above you need a hobby, due to toooo much time on your hands!:D :D :D :D :D

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Doom
Vet of the Russian General Winter
For death is only the begining

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Post #: 9
Bernie....this will make you famous!!! - 1/30/2003 9:23:11 PM   
Orzel Bialy


Posts: 2664
Joined: 4/4/2002
From: Wisconsin USA
Status: offline 		All I can say is this is, without a doubt, the funniest d@mned thread that I have ever seen! And the fact that it's all true just makes it even more so!!! ;)

ROTFLMFAO!!!! :D :D :D

This was the best way to start the day...thanks Bernie.

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Post #: 10
- 1/30/2003 11:23:41 PM   
Goblin


Posts: 5547
Joined: 3/29/2002
From: Erie,Pa. USA
Status: offline 		LOL! Makes me wish I could have stayed up for parts 4 and 5 last night. Very good stuff, Bernie. But the Godfather Cat thinks you may know too much....

Goblin- A Goblin is GC's 'enforcer':eek:

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http://www.spwaw.com/phpBB2/index.php

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Post #: 11
LMAO - 1/31/2003 12:26:58 AM   
Hawk

 

Posts: 1311
Joined: 12/19/2002
From: Staten Island,New York
Status: offline 		What change your pants? I have to change my UNDERWEAR!!!! The guys at work want to know what the Heck am i reading? Cause i'm laughing sooooohard. That was GREAT Bernie....Please give us some more.......Please.........

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=A82A=Hawk[Maj]|LP|
"All we knew was.....We were in this TOGETHER" ......Band of Brothers

(in reply to Bernie)
Post #: 12
- 1/31/2003 7:40:31 AM   
Bernie


Posts: 1779
Joined: 3/15/2002
From: Depot HQ - Virginia
Status: offline 		[QUOTE]Originally posted by Goblin
[B]LOL! Makes me wish I could have stayed up for parts 4 and 5 last night. Very good stuff, Bernie. But the Godfather Cat thinks you may know too much....

Goblin- A Goblin is GC's 'enforcer':eek: [/B][/QUOTE]

I can crop and shrink that "Goblin Cat" picture for your avatar if you want. ;)

_____________________________

What, me worry?

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Post #: 13
Re: LMAO - 1/31/2003 7:44:11 AM   
Bernie


Posts: 1779
Joined: 3/15/2002
From: Depot HQ - Virginia
Status: offline 		[QUOTE]Originally posted by Hawk
[B]What change your pants? I have to change my UNDERWEAR!!!! The guys at work want to know what the Heck am i reading? Cause i'm laughing sooooohard. That was GREAT Bernie....Please give us some more.......Please......... [/B][/QUOTE]

I'm working on the sequel ("M4" ...highway in England or one man's road to madness?) but for some strange reason when I do a Google for "funny M4 pictures" it doesn't find near as many shots as it did of the cats. ;)

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What, me worry?

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Post #: 14
Re: Bernie....this will make you famous!!! - 1/31/2003 7:46:10 AM   
Bernie


Posts: 1779
Joined: 3/15/2002
From: Depot HQ - Virginia
Status: offline 		[QUOTE]Originally posted by Orzel Bialy
[B]All I can say is this is, without a doubt, the funniest d@mned thread that I have ever seen! And the fact that it's all true just makes it even more so!!! ;)

ROTFLMFAO!!!! :D :D :D

This was the best way to start the day...thanks Bernie. [/B][/QUOTE]

I have a feeling this one is going to end up in the HOF with some of my Top Ten lists from the past. :)

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What, me worry?

(in reply to Bernie)
Post #: 15
- 1/31/2003 8:38:18 AM   
Supervisor

 

Posts: 5166
Joined: 3/2/2004
Status: offline 		Ahh it's nice to see that Bernie is back to his true colors and finds a way to bring welcome laughter to these forums.:D

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Post #: 16
I agree.... - 1/31/2003 9:40:43 AM   
Orzel Bialy


Posts: 2664
Joined: 4/4/2002
From: Wisconsin USA
Status: offline 		the laughter had grown a bit sparse recently...good to see it back and THANKS TO BERNIE ONE MORE TIME.

If there were a "Post of the Month Award"...this would be the January Winner hands down! ;)

I'm still laughing when I view this post! LOL :D

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Post #: 17
- 1/31/2003 10:17:39 AM   
Goblin


Posts: 5547
Joined: 3/29/2002
From: Erie,Pa. USA
Status: offline 		[QUOTE]Originally posted by Bernie
[B]I can crop and shrink that "Goblin Cat" picture for your avatar if you want. ;) [/B][/QUOTE]

Yes! I will proudly fly it for awhile!

Goblin

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http://www.spwaw.com/phpBB2/index.php

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Post #: 18
LOL - 1/31/2003 6:38:32 PM   
Hawk

 

Posts: 1311
Joined: 12/19/2002
From: Staten Island,New York
Status: offline 		I agree with Orzel...it should be post of the MONTH.

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"All we knew was.....We were in this TOGETHER" ......Band of Brothers

(in reply to Bernie)
Post #: 19
And I thought you guys were - 1/31/2003 7:42:39 PM   
M4Jess


Posts: 5140
Joined: 1/17/2002
From: DC
Status: offline 		my friends:( :confused:

LOL very good Bernie!

Payback is hell!:mad:

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Im making war, not trouble~


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Post #: 20
- 2/1/2003 1:02:19 AM   
Jacc

 

Posts: 265
Joined: 4/30/2001
From: Viikki Imperium
Status: offline 		This thread is by far the best I've seen for some time (goddamn military service :mad: ).

Therefor, rate it 5.

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Pain is for the weak.

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Post #: 21
Re: And I thought you guys were - 2/1/2003 12:04:19 PM   
Bernie


Posts: 1779
Joined: 3/15/2002
From: Depot HQ - Virginia
Status: offline 		[QUOTE]Originally posted by M4 Jess
[B]my friends:( :confused:

LOL very good Bernie!

Payback is hell!:mad: [/B][/QUOTE]

Payback? :confused:

Don't make me sic my cat on you...:D

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What, me worry?

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Post #: 22
- 3/17/2003 8:04:18 AM   
Bernie


Posts: 1779
Joined: 3/15/2002
From: Depot HQ - Virginia
Status: offline 		badda-BUMP!
;)

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What, me worry?

(in reply to Bernie)
Post #: 23
- 3/17/2003 12:36:56 PM   
chief


Posts: 1660
Joined: 9/28/2000
From: Haines City FL, USA
Status: offline 		Bernie: wunnerful (laughing) wunnerful (laughing) wunnerful thank you thank you very much (still laughing).
:D :D :D :D :cool:

Encore, Encore, Bravo.
by the by what do you normally write about ???????

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"God Bless America and All the Young men and women who give their all to protect Her"....chief

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Post #: 24
- 3/17/2003 9:46:22 PM   
Irinami

 

Posts: 746
Joined: 9/4/2002
From: Florida, USA
Status: offline 		*LOL* Very nice work, Bernie! If my girlfriend hadn't gone to her parents' for Spring Break, she'd be giving me the weirdest looks! :D

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Newbies!!
Wild Bill's Tanks at Munda Mini-Campaign. The training campaign for comb

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Post #: 25
- 3/17/2003 11:03:54 PM   
Bernie


Posts: 1779
Joined: 3/15/2002
From: Depot HQ - Virginia
Status: offline 		[QUOTE]Originally posted by chief
[B]Bernie: wunnerful (laughing) wunnerful (laughing) wunnerful thank you thank you very much (still laughing).
:D :D :D :D :cool:

Encore, Encore, Bravo.
by the by what do you normally write about ??????? [/B][/QUOTE]

What do I normally write about? Err... ah....

Jeez chief, you're gonna make me blow my "rough, tough, macho, tank killing" image here... :o

Okay, okay...

I often write humor pieces for various magazines and small newspapers (under a variety of pen names) but I've also had some of my poetry published (78 poems at last count... see the book "Bytes of Poetry", edited by Alanna Webb for a sample, availible at most major book stores). I have a romance novel, "Where The Road Leads" due out in early 2004, and a series of children's books titled "Pet Shop Tales" due out by the end of this year. Quite a bit of my poetry can be found on the web, if you look hard enough. (I just did a Google search for my name and came up with 582 hits) I also used to work as a magazine editor and programmer for a major computer mag (now defunct) and still collect royalties on some of the programs and pieces of code I wrote back in the early 80's. I was also the guy who reviewed the original SP when it was first published by SSI, again for that now defunct magazine. (I think I gave it 4 stars) :)

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What, me worry?

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Post #: 26
- 3/18/2003 2:09:11 AM   
Wild Bill

 

Posts: 6821
Joined: 4/7/2000
From: Smyrna, Ga, 30080
Status: offline 		Hey Jess, remind me...one week until what? :confused:

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Wild Bill Wilder
Independent Game Consultant

(in reply to Bernie)
Post #: 27
- 3/18/2003 3:10:13 AM   
M4Jess


Posts: 5140
Joined: 1/17/2002
From: DC
Status: offline 		[QUOTE]Originally posted by Wild Bill
[B]Hey Jess, remind me...one week until what? :confused: [/B][/QUOTE]

That I have to ware this **** Kat lover banner!!!:mad:

_____________________________



Im making war, not trouble~


(in reply to Bernie)
Post #: 28
- 3/18/2003 3:26:12 AM   
M4Jess


Posts: 5140
Joined: 1/17/2002
From: DC
Status: offline 		After having a few beers and beans Bernie thought he droped his smoke...as he bent over to pick it up he pooted...only to discover the cig was still in the ashtray next to his puter....Put the beer down Bernie....put the beer down!



[IMG]http://www.thekolbegroup.org/13meltpc.jpg[/IMG]

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Im making war, not trouble~


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Post #: 29
- 3/18/2003 3:47:02 AM   
Belisarius


Posts: 4041
Joined: 5/26/2001
From: Gothenburg, Sweden
Status: offline 		That case and keyboard must be made of the same stuff as Shermans! :D :D

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Got StuG?

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Post #: 30
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