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JudgeDredd -> Joke Thread (5/17/2007 10:44:06 AM)
I thought it would be nice to have a joke thread....just in case there are any gems that I've missed over my few years of life... Here's my one What's the definition of a confident man? A man who walks into his bedroom Covered in lipstick Stinking of perfume and slaps his wife on the arse and says "You're next fatty"

JudgeDredd -> RE: Joke Thread (5/17/2007 11:23:15 AM)
ok...here's another one A man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm whilst his wife is in bed reading a book The man says "This is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache" The wife says "I think you'll find that's a sheep" And the man says "I think you will find I was talking to the sheep!"

JeF -> RE: Joke Thread (5/17/2007 11:23:52 AM)
OK, I'll bite. I read this one not so long ago. I try to translate it as best as I can. 2015, 4th Striker Brigade takes part on a big urban firefight, somewhere out there. Being equipped with the latest model of voice recognition battle computer (VRBC), Captain Burns, Alpha Company, asks the battle computer : - Computer, given the current situation, should I retreat or go forward ? Computer thinks for some verrry long minutes and answer via the speech synthesis sub-system : - Yes. Burns is shocked ! - Yes, what ! Computer starts to think again and answers : - Yes, sir !

JudgeDredd -> RE: Joke Thread (5/17/2007 11:28:26 AM)
LOL...very good Jef. Welcome to the smiley thread!

robpost3 -> RE: Joke Thread (5/17/2007 3:11:54 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: JudgeDredd I thought it would be nice to have a joke thread....just in case there are any gems that I've missed over my few years of life... Here's my one What's the definition of a confident man? A man who walks into his bedroom Covered in lipstick Stinking of perfume and slaps his wife on the arse and says "You're next fatty" [:D] umm...that could also be covered under famous last words[;)]

robpost3 -> RE: Joke Thread (5/17/2007 3:20:00 PM)
A ducks walks into a drugstore and says, "Give me some chapstick. And put it on my bill." A pirate walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, Pirate! Do you know you have a steering wheel sticking out of your fly?" The pirate answers, "Aargh! It's drivin' me nuts!" A pair of jumper cables and a bra walk into a bar. The Bartender says "OH no. I am NOT serving you two!!" "Why not??" asks the bra. "Well, you're clearly off your tits and your mate looks like he's gonna start something!"

Plodder -> RE: Joke Thread (5/17/2007 3:58:27 PM)
Here's a few clean ones(most of the ones I know are unprintable[:D]): Jay had been looking forward to his first skydiving lesson for ages. "Now, class," said the instructor, "you've got to jump. count to ten, then pull the ripcord". Jay was so excited he wasn't really paying attention. He said "P-p-p-p-pardon m-m-me,wh-wh-wh-what w-w-was th-th-th-that n-n-number ag-ag-again?" "Two", the instructor replied. "How long have you been working here?" asked a new employee to a co-worker. The other guy replied,"Ever since the boss threatened to fire me" . and finally.. Nine out of ten guys prefer women with large breasts.The tenth guy usually prefers the nine other guys..

Monadman -> RE: Joke Thread (5/17/2007 10:57:50 PM)
Never let them touch the grill: A gentleman who had always dreamed of jumping from a plane and gliding to earth finally decided to take parachuting lessons. During his solo jump, he pulled the cord but to his dismay the chute did not open. Not one for panicking, he pulled the cord for the reserve chute, but it too did not open. As he fell rapidly to the earth he noticed a women rocketing up towards him at about the same speed as he was falling. As they approached each other the man yelled: “Do you know anything about parachutes?” The woman screamed out as she passed by: “No, do you know anything about gas grills?” Richard

Yogi the Great -> RE: Joke Thread (5/17/2007 11:18:39 PM)
Hillary says to Bill, My advisors say in order to get the confidence of the common man we need to go to Wal-Mart, buy simple outfits, then visit a small town bar with a popular dog like a labrador and do small talk. So they did, a farmer came in talked with them and then left. Soon another person came in, walked up to the dog and lifted it's tail and then walked out. Then another did the same thing and then another. When the next one came in Hillary asked is this a local custom? He replied, no, but word on the street is that there was a dog in here with two assholes? [:D] By the way, if the joke bothers you for some reason, just change the character names to George and Laura.

JudgeDredd -> RE: Joke Thread (5/18/2007 10:34:35 PM)
LOL Love it. This is why I started the thread...because there are many, many jokes out there that some people never hear (or forget and they're worth remembering) Here's another Three blokes are out on the piss one night. At the end of the night, they all make their way homes knowing that they can discuss the night the next day as they always do...at the local cafe. So they meet up at the cafe the next day, and the first guy says "I done something terrible last night...when I got home, I blew chunks" (chunks is another name for being sick in Britain) The other guy said, that's nothing. When I got home, I got hungry and cooked some toast. I woke up with the wife hitting me and the fire alarm going off!" The third guy said "Ha! That's nuttin m8. I got home and peissed on my wife in bed!!" And the first guy said "I don't think you boys understand...Chunks is the name of my dog!" That's my favourite!!

Brigz -> RE: Joke Thread (5/19/2007 12:33:27 AM)
(Please excuse the obvious stereotyping but I hope it's taken in good faith as part of the joke. I apologize if any Asian readers are offended.) A Chinese couple gets married - she's a virgin. Truth be told, he is not too experienced either. On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring. "My darring" he says, "I know dis yoo firss time and yoo berry fwighten. I pwamis yoo, I gib yoo anyting yoo wan, I do anyting - juss ask...Anyting yoo wan. Whatchoo wan?" he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes will impress his virgin bride. A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I wan try someping I have hear about... Numbaa 69." More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he queries... "Yoo wan... Chicken wiff Broccori '' ?

JudgeDredd -> RE: Joke Thread (5/19/2007 12:44:52 AM)
LMAO Dave. Nice one. I would hope that anyone reading these will not take offense. As the topic starter, I will welcome all jokes of the Scottish sort (being Scottish...and none more patriotic than I!) Please...to everyone reading these...do not take offense. Humour is one of the last good things in life...take it how it's meant. [&o]

Brigz -> RE: Joke Thread (5/19/2007 1:31:26 AM)
One of my lady friends recently sent me this one: A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replied. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender.. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say. "Tell him," she whispered, "There's no toiletpaper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."

Yogi the Great -> RE: Joke Thread (5/19/2007 3:08:56 AM)
I should stay out of this thread, but here are two old and of questionable taste: Man walks into bar and up to a beautiful woman and asks, would you sleep with me for a million bucks. She says sure. He says would you sleep with me for a dollar. She says, get lost, what kind of girl do you think I am. He says, we already established that, we're just haggling over the price! Tourist on an old west vacation notices an Indian outside of one of the stores. When a beautiful woman walks by the Indian raised his hand and said "Chance." Next good looking girls, once again he raises his hand and says "Chance." After a third time the topurist walked up to the Indian and said, "Excuse me, but don't you mean to say How?" The Indian replied, "Me know how, me need chance!"

JudgeDredd -> RE: Joke Thread (5/21/2007 12:36:25 AM)
143 reads and less than a dozen jokes? Come on people!!

robpost3 -> RE: Joke Thread (5/21/2007 1:20:26 AM)
quote: I would hope that anyone reading these will not take offense. As the topic starter, I will welcome all jokes of the Scottish sort (being Scottish...and none more patriotic than I!) o.k. two for JudgeDredd: Slap On A Train There was an Scotsman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Tasmania. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train,there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Scotsman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped. The Englishman was thinking: 'The Scottish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.' Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Scotsman and got slapped for it.' And the Scotsman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make that kissing noise and slap that English bastard again . Ode Tae A Fart Oh whit a sleekit horrible beastie lurks in your belly after the feastie Jist as you sit doon amang yer kin There starts tae stir an enormous win' The neeps 'n'tatties 'n' mushy peas Start workin' like a gentle breeze But soon the puddin' wi the sauncie face Will hae ye blowin 'a' ower the place Nae matter whit the hell ye dae A'bodys gonny huv tae pay Even when ye try tae stifle It's like a bullet oot a rifle Ye hawd yer bum ticht tae the chair An try tae stop the leakin' air Shiftin' yersel fae cheek tae cheek An pray tae god it disnae reek But aw yer efforts go asunder When oot it comes, a clap 'o thunder Richochets aroon the room Michty me a sonic boom! God Almichty it fairly reeks Hope a huvnae **** ma breeks Tae the bog a better scurry Aw whit the hell, it's no ma worry A'body roon aboot me chokin' Wan or twa ur nearly boakin A'll feel better fur a while Canny help but raise a smile "Wis him!" I shout wi accusin' glower Alas too late, he's just keeled ower "Ye durty bugger!" they shout and stare A dinna feel welcome any mair But where ye go ,let yer win' gang free Sounds like jist the job tae me But whit a fuss at Rabbies party Owe the sake 'O' wan wee farty.

JudgeDredd -> RE: Joke Thread (5/21/2007 10:10:24 AM)
quote: Slap On A Train There was an Scotsman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Tasmania. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train,there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Scotsman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped. The Englishman was thinking: 'The Scottish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.' Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Scotsman and got slapped for it.' And the Scotsman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make that kissing noise and slap that English bastard again . I love that. I've never heard that one before. Excellent. Thx for the chuckle!

Plodder -> RE: Joke Thread (5/21/2007 10:23:15 AM)
How many women with PMT does it take to change a lightbulb? JUST F$%#ING ONE OK?!!!!

Jevhaddah -> RE: Joke Thread (5/21/2007 4:17:10 PM)
Breakfast room in the Honeymoon Hotel the night after the FIRST night three new brides, English, Irish and Scottish respectivly are sitting discussing their first night of married life. The English Bride says "My what a night, my Hubert made love to me five times. I told him he was wonderful and that I felt complete." The three women sighed in unison.. The Irish Bride said " Well.. my Paddy made love to me 10 times... I told him this morning that I was the happiest and luckiest lass in the world." The three women sighed in unison.. The Scottish Bride, looked at the other two and said " My Shug only made love to me once..." The other Brides, shocked, but secretly amused by this said "Oh dear thats terrible Senga. What did yoo say to him this morning?" Senga looked at the other two and shrugged.. " I told him to get aff, I wanted my breakfast" [:D] Cheers Garion

robpost3 -> RE: Joke Thread (5/23/2007 4:43:23 PM)
A Blonde Near-Death Experience A blonde had a near death experience that changed her life forever. One day she went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse started bouncing out of control. She tried with all her might to hang on, but was thrown off. Just as she was plummeting towards the ground, her foot got caught in the stirrup. When this happened, she felt the top half of her body slam to the ground. Her head continued to bounce harder as the horse did not stop or even slow down. Just as she was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the store manager came and unplugged it.

Yogi the Great -> RE: Joke Thread (5/25/2007 12:08:58 AM)
One computer gamer calls up another computer gamer at 2 in the morning: Gamer 1: Is this one, one, one, one? Gamer 2: No, this is eleven, eleven Gamer 1: Oh I'm sorry to bother you! Gamer 2: That's ok, I had to get up any way, the phone was ringing.

robpost3 -> RE: Joke Thread (5/25/2007 3:17:44 PM)
A little RPG humor[;)] Probably taken from real life incident[:D] Wandering Monsters Filed under: Random Crap I Make Up, Imaginary Friends — Grogtard @ 4:17 pm My friend Bill had decided to start a new D&D campaign but this time he insisted that we game at his house. His house was decorated in the styles of Freshman Dorm Room and New World Landfill Chic. It was a geological history of the local fast food industry. The bottom layer consisted mostly of cartons from the Chinese restaurant that went out of business about three years ago after The Great Tofu Substitute Scandal while the newly opened BBQ place down the road had earned a place at the top of the food pyramid. As a DM, he was fast and loose with the rules; part Monty Haul and part Killer. So you always ended up with lots of swag until your 20th Level Half Dragon Drow Paladin/Assassin/Ninja/Wizard got polymorphed into a hermaphroditic paraplegic Halfling just before a soul devouring demon disintegrated you. The game was progressing at a good pace. We survived the obligatory tavern scene. We had given up arguing with Rod and just let his Fanatic Good Paladin lead the party by divine right. Johnnie was on Master Thief Number 6 and had grown accustomed to his position as trap detonator rather than trap disarmer. th3 d00d’s half elf nymphomancer babe with a tentacle phobia attempted to seduce anything. Mitch played a cleric and just hoped to just survive. I was playing my usual crafty wizard and just tried to stay out of the way. The session had reached that blurry eyed period somewhere between midnight and dawn when a Greater Mucus Demon attacked the party. Johnnie: I back stab the demon. th3 d00d: You gonna try a ballista this time. Johnnie: Screw you. Damn I missed! Bill: The demon swivels its head around and attacks you. It does 35 points of damage. Save versus poison. Johnnie: I fail. What happens? Bill: Nothing…yet Rod: He’s possessed! I know it. I attack him. Me: You idiot! What about the demon? Rod: I got this one. You guys take the other one. Johnnie: But I’m not a demon! th3 d00d: Does it have tentacles? Bill: Yes th3 d00d: Eek! I attack the giant bug instead. Bill: There is no giant bug. the3 d00d: Yeah, there is. It’s attacking Mitch. Mitch: I’m being attacked! I retreat! Bill: There is no giant bug! Th3 d00d: I try to seduce the bug. Rod: I fly into a berserker rage and attack the demon and the bug! Johnnie: I’m not a demon! Me: I thought you were a paladin. Bill: There is no giant BUG! Rod: I’m a paladin/berserker. Bill: You can’t do that. Rod: You’re trying to screw me. You approved of the character. Here’s your initials on the sheet. Mitch: Can I get away from the giant bug? Bill: THERE IS NO GIANT BUG! Me: It’s right there. Mitch: Yes, there is. Right next to my mini. Wait, it was there. Where’d it go? Johnnie: It’s on the pizza. Me: My God. That is the biggest cockroach I’ve ever seen. Mitch: I don’t feel well. I think we should call it a night. We all agreed… to never game Bill’s place again.

Arctic Blast -> RE: Joke Thread (5/25/2007 11:21:58 PM)
A classic D&D story. Good stuff. [:D]

Brigz -> RE: Joke Thread (5/30/2007 4:06:27 AM)
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: A half-gallon of 2% milk, A carton of eggs, A quart of orange juice, A head of romaine lettuce, A 2 lb. can of coffee, And a 1 lb. package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single." The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?" The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly."

robpost3 -> RE: Joke Thread (5/30/2007 10:26:27 PM)
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey. He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up. As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off! Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up. Remember the five simple rules to be happy: Free your heart from hatred - Forgive. Free your mind from worries - Most never happen. Live simply and appreciate what you have. Give more. Expect less NOW ............ Enough of that crap . . . The donkey later came back, and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock. MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON: When you do something wrong, and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.

Jeff Norton -> RE: Joke Thread - Blonde Jokes (5/30/2007 11:29:15 PM)
Question: If a blonde and a brunette fell off a building, who would hit the ground first? Answer: The brunette - the blonde would have to stop for directions! Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their car with a coat hanger. First Blonde: "I can't seem to get this door unlocked! Second Blonde: Well you better hurry up. It's starting to rain and the top is down! Three blondes were walking through a field when they came across a set of tracks. The first blonde looked down at the tracks and said, "I think they could be bird tracks." The second blonde went to look and said, "No, I think these are deer tracks." They stepped aside and the third blonde went over to the tracks. She looked down, then got run over by the train! A blonde walked into a hairdresser with headphones on and said to the hairdresser, "Do anything with my hair, but don't take the earphones off". So the hairdresser started to cut but was finding it pretty difficult, so he thinks "What could happen if I took the headphones off?", and he took them off. The blonde dropped dead straight away. "Oh My gosh" said the hairdresser, puzzled. "What is so special about these headphones?" and he put them on. Out of the headphones she heard: "Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out..."

SeaMonkey -> RE: Joke Thread - Blonde Jokes (5/31/2007 2:14:44 AM)
Momma's daughter returns home from the first day at school and states, "Today in class I was the only one who could count to 10, do you think its because I'm blonde?" Momma says (trying to be encouraging because of the blonde inferiority complex)" Why yes dear, that's exactly it, because your blonde". Next day daughter arrives from 2nd day of school and exhorts, "Momma, today at school I was the only one that knew my ABCs....is it because I'm blonde?" Momma exclaims, "Why of course dear, what else could it possibly be?" Finally on the third day, the daughter tells Momma of her first experience in PE saying, "Momma...Momma!!!, when we were taking showers after PE all the girls noticed that I had the biggest set of these", raising her blouse to reveal a large set of fully developed breasts, "is it because I'm blonde?" Momma, finally being truthful......"no dear, its because your 23".

parusski -> RE: Joke Thread - Blonde Jokes (5/31/2007 3:35:07 AM)
This was given to me by JudgeDredd's significant other: How do you keep JudgeDredd at home? Build a circular driveway at his house.

PaulWRoberts -> RE: Joke Thread - Blonde Jokes (5/31/2007 4:43:00 AM)
A dog limps into a saloon: "Ah'm lookin' fer the man who shot my paw."

Mobius -> RE: Joke Thread (5/31/2007 5:07:27 AM)
An older man was tell his friend of his new hearing aid. OM: This is a fantastic device. It has really made a difference in my life. I can't tell you how great it is. Friend: It's that good, huh? Well, what kind is it? OM (looking at his watch): A quarter to two.

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