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Capt. Pixel -> Goblin Hunting for Fun & Profit (7/2/2002 2:08:13 PM)
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This is not a gouge at Goblin (not directly anyway. ;) )
I like him a lot and find him to be a furious opponent and all around good guy. But this was too juicy to pass up. :D
:: Goblins - what are they and why do we hunt them for sport? ::
Goblins are small humanoids that some consider little more than a nuisance. However, if they are unchecked, their great numbers, rapid reproduction, and evil dispoitions enable them to overrun and despoil civilized areas.
Goblins have flat faces, broad noses, pointed ears, wide mouths and small, sharp fangs. Their foreheads slope back, and their eyes are usually dull and glazed, varying in color from red to yellow.
[SIZE=1](depending on how long he's been awake and how much coffee he's had)[/SIZE]
Goblin's skin color ranges from yellow through any shade of orange to a deep red; usually all members of a single tribe are about the same color.
Being bullied by bigger, stronger creatures has taught goblins to exploit what few advantages they have: sheer numbers and malicious ingenuity. They favor ambushes, overwhelming odds, dirty tricks, and any other edge they can devise. With proper supervision, they can implement reasonably complex plans, and in such circumsances their numbers can be a deadly advantage.
Goblins are tribal. Their leaders are generally the biggest, strongest and sometimes even the smartest around. :) They have almost no concept of privacy, living in common areas; only the leaders live seperately.
Goblins often settle near civilized areas to raid for food, livestock, tools, weapons and supplies. Once a tribe has despoiled a locale, it simply packs up and move on to the next convenient area.
This despoil and move on tactic makes them vermin of the highest order. Without regular sanctioned hunts, sans bag limits, goblins would eventually overwhelm us all and destroy the entire planet.
:: Tactics for successful Goblin hunting ::
The first trick to successful Goblin hunting is having the right equipment. Anything with a really big gun on it will generally do. Goblins like to pack together (safety in numbers, or somesuch fool idea), so any weapon (like a flamethrower) that can munch large amounts of infantry at a shot is good. Make sure you bring plenty of bullets. You're gonna need them.
The second trick is to find the little buggers. Despite foolhardy claims of the makers of various 'Goblin Calls', most average goblins are not fooled by any of that nonsense. You have to go out and get them yourself.
Goblins like to hide in deep forest and dark, smokey areas. This make it difficult to see them until you are right on top of them. One way to get around this problem is to highlight the area behind their positions, in order to see their silhouettes. I personally prefer 150mm or 155mm. You get a higher contrast and much longer exposure time than with 105s and 120s.
Euphemistically speaking; once you have found the little cockroach, you need to pin him down with your thumb. At this point you can begin the limb-plucking process. Generally speaking, you should pull the arms before the legs, unless you are planning to cauterize during the dismemberment process. :p
:: Preparing goblin carcasses for profit ::
Goblins are NOT edible. Not in any way, shape or form. I don't care if you eat fugu. Goblin is not edible!
But their hides make nice suitcase covers. Nobody touches YOUR suitcases. :D
Hides can be tanned simply by placing them on the rear decks of your tanks out in the sun for two or three days. After some shrinkage has set in, you have yourself a nice, supple Goblin hide. Handy huh?
Hides can fetch up to 500 simoleons for a pristine 'Vermillion', or as little as 5 simoleons for a run-of-the-mill 'Piss-yellow'. Unfortunately, you mostly see the latter types in number.
So, here's hoping you good Goblin hunting.
And... Let's be Careful out there! :cool:
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