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mogami -> Cats (1/1/2003 8:06:22 AM)
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From "Old possum's book of practical cats" by TS Eliot
The Ad-dressing of Cats
You've read of several kinds of Cat,
And my opinion now is that
You should need no interpreter
to understand their character.
You now have learned enough to see
That Cats are much like you and me
And other people whome we find
Possessed of various types of mind.
For some are sane and some are mad
And some are good and some are bad
And some are better, some are worse -
But all may be described in verse.
You've seen them both at work and games,
And learnt about their proper names,
Their habits and their habitat:
But
How would you ad-dress a Cat?
So first, your memory I'll jog,
And say: A CAT IS NOT A DOG.
Now Dogs pretend they like to fight;
They often bark, more seldom bite;
But yet a Dog is, on the whole,
What you would call a simple soul.
Of course I'm not including Pekes,
And such fantastic canine freaks.
The usual Dog about the Town
Is much inclined to play the clown,
And far from showing too much pride
Is frequently undignified.
He's very easily taken in -
Just chuck him underneath the chin
Or slap his back or shake his paw,
And he will gambol and guffaw.
He's such an easy-going lout,
He'll answer any hail or shout.
Again I must remind you that
A Dog's a Dog - A CAT'S A CAT.
With Cats, some say, one rule is true:
Don't speak till you are spoken to.
Myself, I do not hold with that -
I say, you should ad-dress a Cat.
But always keep in mind that he
Resents familiarity.
I bow, and taking off my hat,
Ad-dress him in this form: O CAT!
But if he is the Cat next door,
Whom I have often met before
(He comes to see me in my flat)
I greet him with an OOPSA CAT!
I've heard them call him James Buz-James -
But we've not got so far as names.
Before a Cat will condescend
To treat you as a trusted friend,
Some little token of esteem
Is needed, like a dish of cream;
And you might now and then supply
Some caviare, or Strassburg Pie,
Some potted grouse, or salmon paste -
He's sure to have his personal taste.
(I know a Cat, who makes a habit
Of eating nothing else but rabbit,
And when he's finished, licks his paws
So's not to waste the onion sauce.)
A Cat's entitled to expect
These evidences of respect.
And so in time you reach your aim,
And finally call him by his NAME.
So this is this, and that is that:
And there's how you AD-DRESS A CAT
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from "old mogami's book of practical Kat Killing" by Mogami
The Killing of Kats
You've fought with several kinds of Kat,
And my opinion now is that
You should need no anti tank instructor,
to understand their character.
You now have learned enough to see
That Kats are much like heavy tracked artillery
And other tanks whome we find (commanded by persons)
Possessed of various types of mind.
For some are sane and some are mad
And some are good and some are bad
And some are better, some are worse -
But all may be described in verse.
You've seen them both online and PBEM games,
And learnt how to send them up in flames,
Their habits and their habitat:
But
How would you Kill a Kat?
So first, your memory I'll jog,
And say: A KAT WILL NOT DEFEAT A MOG.
Now Mogs admit they like to fight;
They often bark, more often bite;
But yet a Mog is, on the whole,
Inclined to be a Russian or a Pole
Of course I'm not excluding Greeks,
With which he beats sissy online freaks.
The usual Mog about the trench
Is just as inclined to play the French,
And far from showing too much pride
Is frequently undignified.
He's very easily to PBEM-
Just ask him on a whim
Or PM him or give him a call,
And he will gambol and guffaw.
He's such an easy-going lout,
He loves to kill the feline riding kraut.
Again I must remind you that
A Mog's a Mog - A KAT'S A KAT.
With Kats, some say, one rule is true:
Don't shoot till you've been shot at too .
Myself, I do not hold with that -
I say, you should kill a Kat.
But always keep in mind that he
Is a rather large monstrosity.
I hide, and wait for the Kat,
Assault him in shouting: OKat!
But if he is the Kat in '44',
Whom I have often met before
(They come to see me by the score)
I greet them with an OOPSA Kat!
I've heard them called the King of Tigers-
But we've not got so far in games.
Before the Kat's will condescend
To wish the battle would just end.
Some little source of flames
Is needed, like a bottle full of fuel;
And you might now and then supply
Some mines, or Sturmoviks,
Some hidden AT, or engineers-
He's sure to have his personal fears.
(Look for the Kat, who hides on the hill.
If it don't kill you, the other one will,
So be carefull when you draw it's fire
To throw smoke as you climb higher.)
A Kat's entitled to expect
These evidences of respect.
And so in time when you reach your aim,
And finally send him up in FLAME.
So this is this, and that is that:
And there's how you Kill A Kat
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