RE: A competition to make other forumites smile despite international events of the unfortunate kind (Full Version)

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Canoerebel -> RE: A competition to make other forumites smile despite international events of the unfortunate kind (11/17/2015 11:55:43 AM)

A guy walks into a place and orders an RC Cola and a Moon Pie.

The man behind the counter says, "You must be from Alabama."

The guy says, "I resent that! If I'd ordered baked beans, would you have asked if I was from Boston?"

Man: "No."

Guy: "If I'd ordered jambalaya, would you have asked if I was from Louisiana."

Man: "No."

Guy: "Then why did you ask if I was from Alabama when I ordered an RC and a Moon PIe?"

Man: "Because this is a hardware store."



Skyros -> RE: A competition to make other forumites smile despite international events of the unfortunate kind (11/17/2015 3:44:19 PM)

This is for Warspite1

I'll bring this back to WITPAE. An American, a French, an English and a Japanese officer are in a plane heading to a peace conference. The pilot calls back that they have lost an engine and they need to lighten the load. The Japanese officer stands up, pulls out a portrait of the Emperor, bows and shouts Banzai as he jumps out of the plane.
The pilot calls back again that they need to lighten the plane, the French officer stands up, adjusts his uniform and shouts Viva la France! and jumps out of the plane.
The pilot again calls back that they are still loosing altitude, the English officer stands up, adjusts his cap and tucks his walking stick under his arm and declares, There will always be an England! and promptly throws out the american.



Zorch -> RE: A competition to make other forumites smile despite international events of the unfortunate kind (11/17/2015 4:20:49 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: warspite1

I went to the book shop and asked the assistant for a book about turtles, she said ‘hardback?’ and I was like, ‘yeah and little heads’.

I've removed all the German names from my mobile phone.... its now Hans free.



You stole that!

http://www.theguardian.com/stage/2015/aug/25/top-10-jokes-edinburgh-fringe-2015-dave



warspite1 -> RE: A competition to make other forumites smile despite international events of the unfortunate kind (11/17/2015 6:00:22 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Zorch


quote:

ORIGINAL: warspite1

I went to the book shop and asked the assistant for a book about turtles, she said ‘hardback?’ and I was like, ‘yeah and little heads’.

I've removed all the German names from my mobile phone.... its now Hans free.



You stole that!

http://www.theguardian.com/stage/2015/aug/25/top-10-jokes-edinburgh-fringe-2015-dave

warspite1

Yes sorry, I realise that all the other jokes/puns here are original works by each poster, but yes I cannot tell a lie, I stole my contributions [;)]



warspite1 -> RE: A competition to make other forumites smile despite international events of the unfortunate kind (11/17/2015 6:02:51 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Skyros

This is for Warspite1

I'll bring this back to WITPAE. An American, a French, an English and a Japanese officer are in a plane heading to a peace conference. The pilot calls back that they have lost an engine and they need to lighten the load. The Japanese officer stands up, pulls out a portrait of the Emperor, bows and shouts Banzai as he jumps out of the plane.
The pilot calls back again that they need to lighten the plane, the French officer stands up, adjusts his uniform and shouts Viva la France! and jumps out of the plane.
The pilot again calls back that they are still loosing altitude, the English officer stands up, adjusts his cap and tucks his walking stick under his arm and declares, There will always be an England! and promptly throws out the american.
warspite1

To be fair Skyros that would never have happened. The colonial would have 'known his place' and gladly sacrificed himself for the Englishman [:)]



Chickenboy -> RE: A competition to make other forumites smile despite international events of the unfortunate kind (11/17/2015 6:04:29 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Commander Cody

The bad guys have captured the Lone Ranger, have him naked on the ground, and are about to shoot him. "Do you have any last wishes??", one of them asks.
"Bring my horse, Silver, over here," the Lone Ranger replies.

They grant his wish and over comes Silver. The Lone Ranger whispers for a moment into Silver's ear. Then Silver disappears over the horizon like lightning. He returns in just a few seconds with a big, beautiful woman in the saddle. She hops off Silver, strips naked and in short order she and the Lone Ranger enjoy themselves to the utmost, much to the delight of the bad guys.

When they've finished, another bad guy says, "That looked like good fun. Do you have any other last wishes??"

"Yes...bring my horse, Silver, over here one more time," the Lone Ranger replies.

Silver approaches, and the Lone Ranger whispers into his ear, "You idiot! I said bring POSSE! P-O-S-S-E POSSE!"

Cheers,
CC


The Lone Ranger and Tanto are crawling behind some cover while tracking the bad guys. As the Lone Ranger slithers forward towards some brush, a large Western diamondback rattlesnake bites and envenoms him. The Lone Ranger writhes in pain, grasping his groin where he was bitten. In between paroxysms of pain, he calls for Tanto to go and get him some medical help.

Tanto obligingly hops on his horse and rides quickly to the nearest town. Surprisingly, he finds a physician's office. He dismounts and tells the story to the doctor.

"Well, Tanto, it's not too late. But you've got to prevent the venom from reaching the heart. It needs to be sucked out in its entirety. It's the only way to save your friend." The doctor details the procedure further while Tanto nods in understanding.

Tanto thanks the doctor for his time, mounts his trusty steed and returns as fast as possible to the side of his stricken friend. He dismounts and approaches the Lone Ranger, who is sweating profusely from the pain.

"Tanto! You're back! Praise the heavens. What did the doctor say?"

"He said-you um gonna die."



Schanilec -> RE: A competition to make other forumites smile despite international events of the unfortunate kind (11/17/2015 6:27:21 PM)

An Irishman walks out of a bar. Hey, it could happen.



Zorch -> RE: A competition to make other forumites smile despite international events of the unfortunate kind (11/17/2015 7:05:28 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: warspite1


quote:

ORIGINAL: Zorch


quote:

ORIGINAL: warspite1

I went to the book shop and asked the assistant for a book about turtles, she said ‘hardback?’ and I was like, ‘yeah and little heads’.

I've removed all the German names from my mobile phone.... its now Hans free.



You stole that!

http://www.theguardian.com/stage/2015/aug/25/top-10-jokes-edinburgh-fringe-2015-dave

warspite1

Yes sorry, I realise that all the other jokes/puns here are original works by each poster, but yes I cannot tell a lie, I stole my contributions [;)]


An honest man!

BTW, my spellcheck thinks your 'realise' should have a 'z'. Funny how those English act as if they invented the language.



Skyros -> RE: A competition to make other forumites smile despite international events of the unfortunate kind (11/17/2015 7:25:47 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: warspite1


quote:

ORIGINAL: Skyros

This is for Warspite1

I'll bring this back to WITPAE. An American, a French, an English and a Japanese officer are in a plane heading to a peace conference. The pilot calls back that they have lost an engine and they need to lighten the load. The Japanese officer stands up, pulls out a portrait of the Emperor, bows and shouts Banzai as he jumps out of the plane.
The pilot calls back again that they need to lighten the plane, the French officer stands up, adjusts his uniform and shouts Viva la France! and jumps out of the plane.
The pilot again calls back that they are still loosing altitude, the English officer stands up, adjusts his cap and tucks his walking stick under his arm and declares, There will always be an England! and promptly throws out the american.
warspite1

To be fair Skyros that would never have happened. The colonial would have 'known his place' and gladly sacrificed himself for the Englishman [:)]


In the jokes original form it was a Canadian instead of American so it would be true. Most likely as the Englishman was saying There will always be an England the American would push him out saying Sorry Mac.



warspite1 -> RE: A competition to make other forumites smile despite international events of the unfortunate kind (11/17/2015 7:39:42 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Skyros


quote:

ORIGINAL: warspite1


quote:

ORIGINAL: Skyros

This is for Warspite1

I'll bring this back to WITPAE. An American, a French, an English and a Japanese officer are in a plane heading to a peace conference. The pilot calls back that they have lost an engine and they need to lighten the load. The Japanese officer stands up, pulls out a portrait of the Emperor, bows and shouts Banzai as he jumps out of the plane.
The pilot calls back again that they need to lighten the plane, the French officer stands up, adjusts his uniform and shouts Viva la France! and jumps out of the plane.
The pilot again calls back that they are still loosing altitude, the English officer stands up, adjusts his cap and tucks his walking stick under his arm and declares, There will always be an England! and promptly throws out the american.
warspite1

To be fair Skyros that would never have happened. The colonial would have 'known his place' and gladly sacrificed himself for the Englishman [:)]


In the jokes original form it was a Canadian instead of American so it would be true. Most likely as the Englishman was saying There will always be an England the American would push him out saying Sorry Mac.
warspite1

I suspect that joke has many iterations and the person being pushed out depended on where you lived and who your 'enemy' was [:)]


anyway, at the risk of being branded a copycat...[;)]

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''



CaptBeefheart -> RE: A competition to make other forumites smile despite international events of the unfortunate kind (11/18/2015 1:16:04 AM)

I think all of these jokes are stolen. If we were good at writing jokes, we'd be employed by a TV network. Here's another:

One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving under the influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his.

Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.

The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."

Cheers,
CC



postfux -> RE: A competition to make other forumites smile despite international events of the unfortunate kind (11/18/2015 12:44:24 PM)

A teacher sees one of his pupils who has been missing in school walk around with a cow.

Teacher: What are you doing, you should have been at School?

Pupil: I have to bring the Cow to the Bull.

Teacher: Cant your father do that?

Pupil: No, thats a Job for the Bull.



jamesjohns -> RE: A competition to make other forumites smile despite international events of the unfortunate kind (11/18/2015 5:24:30 PM)

Three businessmen are having a business lunch, one from Germany, one from Japan and a Hillybilly from United States (for our non US readers,
"hillybilly" is a term for a not so bright, backwoods types). The German stops talking and puts a finger in his ear and starts talking into his palm. The others look at him, he says he had the latest cell phone technology implanted in his hand, so he could always be in contact with the office. The gentleman from Japan then rolls up his shirt sleeve and starts taking notes on his forearm. The others look, he says in Japan he got an mini-ipad implanted in his forearm so he would always have access to his business records.
The hillbilly is feeling pretty backward about now but he has an idea. He excuses himself from the table to use the rest room. A few minutes later he comes back with toilet paper hanging out his pant leg. The other two notice and one says he has toilet paper stuck on his pants. The Hillybilly, feeling smart starts to drop his pants and reach behind his underwear and says "I must be getting a fax!"



jamesjohns -> RE: A competition to make other forumites smile despite international events of the unfortunate kind (11/18/2015 5:40:41 PM)

Another one for the group

Back in the day of pirates, wooden ships and iron men, the Queen sent our her bravest Naval Officer, Captain Courage, to rid the seas of pirates. One day sailing along, the look-out cries, "Captain, Capitan! A pirate ship off port!" The Captain strolls up on deck, full of confidence, calls out "Bring me my sword and my red pants" He puts on the red pants and the sword. Soon the ships draw close, the Captain is everywhere in the battle bravely leading his men in victory.

The next day the look-out cries, "Captain, CAPTAIN! 3 pirates ships, one off port, one dead ahead and one off starboard" The Captain strolls out of his cabin, full of confidence in ship and men and cries "Men, load the cannons and bring me my red battle pants". The crew cheers with confidence in their Captain. The cannons roar, the smoke grows thick, the Captain personally slays one Pirate Captain and captures the crew and sinks the other two.

After the battle the Bosun asks the Captain, "Sir why do you always wear red pants in battle?" The Captain says, "If I am wounded, the men will not see the blood and will continue to fight"

The next day, the lookout cries "CAPTAIN, CAPTAIN! We are surrounded by 10 pirate ships!" The Captain, looks around the horizon at the ships, looks at his crew, looks back again at the pirate ships and cries out "Men bring me my BROWN pants!"



wdolson -> RE: A competition to make other forumites smile despite international events of the unfortunate kind (11/19/2015 3:50:19 AM)

Once upon a time in the distant future, Earth has colonized many worlds in many star systems. A distant star system has a war. The United States and the United Kingdom send ships to protect their interests in that star system. Returning to Earth, the US ship is caught in the tug of a black hole and sucked in. The RN ship searches in vain for any survivors. All they find is a monkey wrench that is twisted into a pretzel by the gravitational forces.

The RN ship gives up the search and returns to Earth. They meet with the American ambassador hoping beyond hope something survived. The British captain told the ambassador there was nothing found because he couldn't bring himself to tell the American the only thing left was a star mangled spanner.



Schanilec -> RE: A competition to make other forumites smile despite international events of the unfortunate kind (11/19/2015 1:22:02 PM)

[:D][:D]



rsallen64 -> RE: A competition to make other forumites smile despite international events of the unfortunate kind (11/19/2015 7:21:45 PM)

One of my favorite Cold War jokes:

A Polish farmer is plowing his field and uncovers a lamp. He polishes it and out pops a genie, who promises him three wishes. For the first wish, the farmer says: "I wish the Chinese army would invade Poland." The genie looks at him funny, but grants the wish. The Chinese army invade, and then leaves. The genie reminds him he has two wishes, anything he wants. The farmer says: "I wish the Chinese Army would invade Poland." The genie reminds him he can have ANYTHING, but the farmer says that's want he wants, so the genie grants it, the Chinese Army invade, and then leaves. The genie says: "Ok. You have one more wish. Remember, you can have anything. Fame, fortune, long life, health, beautiful women, anything. Now, what do you want?" The farmer tells him he wants the Chinese Army to invade Poland. The genie explodes. "I don't get it!? Three wishes, and you could have anything you want. Why would you want the Chinese Army to invade Poland three times?"

The farmer says: "Because they would have to go through Russia six times."



Schanilec -> RE: A competition to make other forumites smile despite international events of the unfortunate kind (11/19/2015 7:46:10 PM)

[:D][:D][:D]



zuluhour -> RE: A competition to make other forumites smile despite international events of the unfortunate kind (11/19/2015 9:29:06 PM)

Siamese twins walk into a bar in Canada. They park themselves on a bar stool.




 One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please." 

 The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers.
 "Been on holiday yet, lads?"  "Off to England next month," says John. “We go to England every year, rent a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim?" Jim agrees. 
 
"Ah, England!" says the bartender. “Wonderful country... the history, the beer, the culture". 
 
"Nah, we don't like that British crap," says John. "Hamburgers and Molson's beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English - they're so arrogant and rude."
 
"So why keep going to England?" asks the bartender.
 
"It's the only time Jim gets to drive.”
yes stolen and copied. zuluhour



zuluhour -> RE: A competition to make other forumites smile despite international events of the unfortunate kind (11/19/2015 9:41:04 PM)

Understanding Engineers #4

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical
engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

yep, stole this to, my wife sends me funnies at work, alleviates the pain. 



dcpollay -> RE: A competition to make other forumites smile despite international events of the unfortunate kind (11/19/2015 10:50:05 PM)

As long as we're still going....This one came up on my Joke-A-Day calendar just this week.

A French thief robs the Louvre. An otherwise perfect crime is foiled when the getaway van runs out of fuel. The thief is interrogated. The inspector asks him how, with such exquisite planning, could he overlook this critical detail? His response: "I did not have de Monet to get Degas to make the Van Gogh."



wdolson -> RE: A competition to make other forumites smile despite international events of the unfortunate kind (11/20/2015 12:10:01 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: zuluhour

Understanding Engineers #4

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical
engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

yep, stole this to, my wife sends me funnies at work, alleviates the pain. 


The caveat we added to that one in school was "and electrical engineers build guidance systems"



geofflambert -> RE: A competition to make other forumites smile despite international events of the unfortunate kind (11/20/2015 2:05:09 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Commander Cody

I think all of these jokes are stolen. If we were good at writing jokes, we'd be employed by a TV network. Here's another:


I resemble that remark and duly take offense. All I can say is if anyone else invented the jokes I tell they would be wise not to claim credit.



geofflambert -> RE: A competition to make other forumites smile despite international events of the unfortunate kind (11/20/2015 2:09:40 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: jamesjohns

Three businessmen are having a business lunch, one from Germany, one from Japan and a Hillybilly from United States (for our non US readers,
"hillybilly" is a term for a not so bright, backwoods types). The German stops talking and puts a finger in his ear and starts talking into his palm. The others look at him, he says he had the latest cell phone technology implanted in his hand, so he could always be in contact with the office. The gentleman from Japan then rolls up his shirt sleeve and starts taking notes on his forearm. The others look, he says in Japan he got an mini-ipad implanted in his forearm so he would always have access to his business records.
The hillbilly is feeling pretty backward about now but he has an idea. He excuses himself from the table to use the rest room. A few minutes later he comes back with toilet paper hanging out his pant leg. The other two notice and one says he has toilet paper stuck on his pants. The Hillybilly, feeling smart starts to drop his pants and reach behind his underwear and says "I must be getting a fax!"


That is just plain awful. I'm pretty sure that's even worse than my wurst joke. Speaking of a deli...



geofflambert -> RE: A competition to make other forumites smile despite international events of the unfortunate kind (11/20/2015 2:15:47 AM)

Thank you very, very much. (in response to zuluhour). (I liked the Siamese twin joke very much). You could've asked "so why don't you go to Japan instead?" The answer "The Geishas refuse to do two for one and it's a much longer flight." What does that say about Britain?



geofflambert -> RE: A competition to make other forumites smile despite international events of the unfortunate kind (11/20/2015 2:27:46 AM)

You could have added "Do you use a manual or automatic transmission?" John replies "Jim doesn't like to shift gears with his ___, and neither do I."



Zorch -> RE: A competition to make other forumites smile despite international events of the unfortunate kind (11/20/2015 8:16:07 AM)

What do you call the speech Lincoln gave when the first McDonald's opened? The Getacheeseburger Address.



Schanilec -> RE: A competition to make other forumites smile despite international events of the unfortunate kind (11/20/2015 1:14:11 PM)

How did Helen Keller's parents punish her when she was bad?

They rearranged the furniture.



Schanilec -> RE: A competition to make other forumites smile despite international events of the unfortunate kind (11/20/2015 1:15:46 PM)

How did Helen Keller's parents punish her when she was bad?

They rearranged the furniture.



jamesjohns -> RE: A competition to make other forumites smile despite international events of the unfortunate kind (11/20/2015 1:45:53 PM)

A lot of prior service guys (myself included) on the forum, some fun with our previous experiences and the friendly rivalry between branches

An Solider is standing in the snow and cold of a blizzard and says "This stinks"

A Marine is standing in the snow and cold of a blizzard and says "I love how much this stinks"

A Green Beret is standing in the snow and cold of a blizzard and says "I wish this would stink even more"

A Sailor is on a ship in the snow and cold of a blizzard and says "This weather stinks, we may sink"

A Coast Guard guy says "I'll save your stinky a**"

An Airman is sitting in his heated office, drinking coffee & watching tv and says "This weather stinks, it knocked out the cable tv"

_________________________________________________

An Army only variation;

A Grunt is standing in the snow and cold of a blizzard and says "This stinks"

A Green Beret is standing in the snow and cold of a blizzard and says "I wish this would stink even more"

A Tanker is driving in the snow and cold of a blizzard and says "It would stink to be walking"

A Quartermaster is sitting in his heated office, drinking coffee & watching tv and says "This weather stinks, it knocked out the cable tv"



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