Cap Mandrake
Posts: 23184
Joined: 11/15/2002
From: Southern California
Status: offline
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OK..I promised VSWG an update on the Homeowner's Assn. battle. They have proven an implaccable foe. Just to review, some low-born, bottom-feeding neighbor of mine turned me in for not maintaining the front yard. The skulking SOB was partly right, I wasn't maintaining it..in fact, I was actively trying to kill it. Anyway, the Homeowner's Assn (hereafter called "HA") sends me a letter mandating that I fix the problem I was already working on. Through great humanitarian effort, I manage subvert the urge to dump a bunch of those ugly white ornamental rocks all over the yard just to put a bug up their ***, and instead, continue my original plan. I cut up all the old sod (two Saturday's worth of work including a crew of 4), rototill the whole thing and bring in about 100 bags of composted steer manure, pull up about a zillion tree roots from a Jacaranda tree and 30 ft Canary Island Pine I had previously pulled out, then level the whole thing so it looked like a freakin' Zen garden (this took me and another crew about a day). At his point, I think I was about 3 weeks out form the letter and the sod is ordered for the next weekend. On a Tuesday morning, I am in my study, cranking out a WITP turn and a late model white Honda pulls up in front. There is a young woman inside with a clipboard. Hmmmm? Franchise Tax Board? No, I think they went away for a while. IRS? No, they seem to be happy to get about 35% of what I earn, at least for now. FBI? No, they wouldn't be driving a Honda (I actually had the FBI come knocking on my door about 3 weeks ago but that is another story). Homeland Security? Nah, surely they know I just signed up for that Islamic site just to yank the other posters chains? Besides, they would have a "E" plate. How about a paparazzo? Hello. I may just be onto something. Clipboard? Check! Camera? Check! Attractive young woman with low cut top? Check! Check!  Oh, wait. I'm not famous.
Sure, I was disappointed, but by deduction, I knew it had to be someone from the HA come to check on my "compliance" (appropriately, this is the same term the police use when describing painful positions they put a suspect in to get them to do what they want). I head to the door to give her a wave and show her the beautiful Zen garden. As soon as I step outside, she slams the car into gear and pulls away as if I were wearing a Jason mask and carrying a chainsaw dripping with human blood. Oh well, no harm, surely she can see the effort. Three days later, the day before my sod arrives, I get a letter from the HA addressed to "Mandrake Residence". Here, I have to admit, despite years of tutoring, my house has not learned to talk and isn't even remotely close to being able to read. So, I decide to open the letter and read it aloud so the "residence" can hear.
"Attention Homeowner" (oh, maybe they want to talk to me too)
"As you have not complied with our previous order to repair damaged front yard landscaping, a hearing has been scheduled with the Architectural Compliance and Digital Rectal Exam Committee for Thursday, Nov. 15 at 11:30...blah, blah, blah...you may wish to bring legal counsel with you ...blah, blah, blah....
Sincerely,
Eva Braun
Archictectual Compliance Representative"
 
After I did some deep breathing and "Serenity Now" chanting, I felt better. I called and left a pleasant message, indicating the work was essentially done and if the inspector had deigned to roll down her window instead of retreating in panic from the clearly possessed homeowner, she would scarcely have failed to notice the hard work and the olfactory impact of the work of at least 100 beeves. The next day, I and a crew rolled in a bout 2600 sq ft of sod. It looks fantastic, but got no phone call from the HA. So I called back. This time Miss Braun answered:
"oh, yes, sorry I didn't call back. Everything is fine. Someone from the office went out to check."
"But what about the hearing?"
"Oh, don't worry about that. Its just a formality."
"Perhaps, but you did attach a list of all sorts of terrible punishments. I would liek some type of confirmation that the matter is closed."
"Right, I just gave it to you."
"That is good to hear, but I would like something in writing"
"We don't have it." (this is beginning to sound oddly familiar)
"What do you mean, you dont have it."
"I mean, We don't have it."
"Pardon me? You don't have what?"
"The form for a closed compliance issue. We are out."
"Well, the hearing letter is very intimidating. I would still like something in writing."
"Well, I suppose I could type something up." (I imagine her holding the phone in her neck while she examines her newly painted nails)
"I would appreciate that, thank you (it doesn't do any good to get aggressive at this point..the letter-writing campaign will come after I get the dismissal letter)
I, or more accurately my house, did get another letter from Ms. Braun. Now she is saying she has to come out and inspect again and then present it to the Board of Directors. I think she is purposely trying to torture me, but it could just be I need my medicine adjusted. Clearly I need to start taping phone conversations too. I still need to keep my mouth shut. One poor guy had to write a public apology letter published in the HA newspaper after he cut down an oak tree on his own property without permission. As part of the settlement, he also underwent a castration procedure.
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RE: Investment opportunity - 
But I gather from the name of the "Architectural Compliance Representative" that you've already made that connection. 
May I suggest a Berlin Wall style fence around your garden? 
82???...that is freakin' awesome, dude! - 
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