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RE: the B Ark

 
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RE: the B Ark - 6/4/2008 12:57:15 PM   
gladiatt


Posts: 2576
Joined: 4/10/2008
Status: offline 		First rule when reading Mandrake AAR : don't drink coffee (or anything else)
Second rule: i drinking coffee, just think to keep a handkerchief really near
Third rule : don't read AAR when boss is in desk AND you're drinking coffee (or anything else)
Fourth: if the three rules above are not respected, think of something sad...don't think of Yossarian, Doug or Dr Mixalot....nor anyone else

Fiftht: once you have apologise to your boss about it's suit, clean your desk and get another coffee......enjoy !

(in reply to Cap Mandrake)
Post #: 2341
RE: Autographed copy - 6/4/2008 5:13:00 PM   
gladiatt


Posts: 2576
Joined: 4/10/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Onime No Kyo


I promise not to get offended at this on the condition that you put in a scene with highly accented French sometime soon.


Please, we French don't have accent !
In fact, every body in the world had an accent, except the Frenchs. Well, French from Paris have an accent; and those from the south...and from the north too....well, in fact, those of south-west too. In fact, French from Paris think they don't have an accent, and all the others French do have one, but in fact they are wrong. Well, of course, they are some French living in Paris, but not from this megapole; these ones don't have accent....well, except of course if they are coming from North; or south; or south-west; or north. And, most extraordinary, French from Paris but don't living in this megapole have an accent, although they pretend no but the locals do !
Aaahhhhhh, anyway, nobody understand us

(in reply to Onime No Kyo)
Post #: 2342
RE: the B Ark - 6/4/2008 8:18:30 PM   
Cap Mandrake


Posts: 23184
Joined: 11/15/2002
From: Southern California
Status: offline 		Gladiatt;

I wouldn't worry about your boss. If he looks up the url for matrixgames he will just think you are a geek and are wasting time.

It's not like you were googling barnyardlove dot com or something.

I once worked with a guy that got busted for calling a 900 number (at $10 a call) 9x/day. He was getting the results on the ponies. Naturally, we were all relieved to find out his only problem was compuslive gambling.

(in reply to gladiatt)
Post #: 2343
Huge Magazine explosion near Perth! - 6/4/2008 11:08:02 PM   
Cap Mandrake


Posts: 23184
Joined: 11/15/2002
From: Southern California
Status: offline 		********No man's land, Perth perimeter, January 18, 1943************


Pvt., Billy Barty, HQ Coy, US 32nd ID has drawn the duty. He is most proud of his status as second piccolo, divisonal band, but when he is not making music, he drives a 2 1/2 ton truck. That what he is doing today, or at least he WAS doing that until he stopped the truck 400 yds short of Japanese trenches, got out with a white flag and yanked the distributor cap out of the truck. Now he is walking back to 32nd ID positions past the now immobilized truck which is piled high with thousands of magazines, Look, Life, National Geographic, horticulture magazines, magazines on quilting, on sports, on watercolor painting, on just about anything. They are donations from the Perth Welcoming Committee and the residents of Perth. They are here at the request of General Blamey as a goodwill gesture to speed the surrender of Japanese troops near Perth. To Pvt Barty, it seems farfetched that magazines on quiliting will cause soldiers pledged to defend the Emperor to lay down their arms, but he is just following orders. He leaves his offering behind and begins to quicken his pace. All parties have been ordered to hold fire under a temporary truce but he is still anxious.

Before he has gone 100 yds his anxiety is justified. Over the road in front of him, a P-38 begins a shallow dive and seems to be headed right for him. Evidently, someone has forgotten to tell the USAAF about the scheme. He begins to run. The fighter eats up the distance at an impossible rate. He dives into a foxhole and takes cover. The plane roars over him. He is still alive. He looks back toward the truck just in time to see two bombs arcing toward his truck and the P-38 pulling sharply up. One bomb scores a direct hit on the truck. As the dust begins to settle, thousands of magazine pages fall from the sky. Providentailly, a singed picture of Betty Grable lands in his foxhole. He tucks it into his tunic. Time for plan B.

(in reply to gladiatt)
Post #: 2344
RE: Huge Magazine explosion near Perth! - 6/4/2008 11:20:13 PM   
Cuttlefish

 

Posts: 2454
Joined: 1/24/2007
From: Oregon, USA
Status: offline 		Pvt. Billy Barty, eh? It looks like the goodwill effort has fallen, um, short.

(in reply to Cap Mandrake)
Post #: 2345
RE: Huge Magazine explosion near Perth! - 6/4/2008 11:24:41 PM   
rtrapasso


Posts: 22653
Joined: 9/3/2002
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Cuttlefish

Pvt. Billy Barty, eh? It looks like the goodwill effort has fallen, um, short.



(in reply to Cuttlefish)
Post #: 2346
RE: Huge Magazine explosion near Perth! - 6/5/2008 1:05:03 AM   
Cap Mandrake


Posts: 23184
Joined: 11/15/2002
From: Southern California
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Cuttlefish

Pvt. Billy Barty, eh? It looks like the goodwill effort has fallen, um, short.



Oh sure, NOW it's funny, but nobody laughed when he wore 14 in. stilts with shoes attached to his enlistment physical. That was also the only 2 1/2 ton truck with pedal extensions in all of Australia.



Short People got no reason
Short People got no reason
Short People got no reason
To live

They got little hands
And little eyes
And they walk around
Tellin' great big lies
They got little noses
And tiny little teeth
They wear platform shoes
On their nasty little feet............

(in reply to Cuttlefish)
Post #: 2347
RE: Huge Magazine explosion near Perth! - 6/5/2008 1:51:25 AM   
tabpub


Posts: 1019
Joined: 8/10/2003
From: The Greater Chicagoland Area
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Cap Mandrake
Short People got no reason
Short People got no reason
Short People got no reason
To live

They got little hands
And little eyes
And they walk around
Tellin' great big lies
They got little noses
And tiny little teeth
They wear platform shoes
On their nasty little feet............


"My dear Group Captain Mandrake,
as President of the European Chapter for the Advancement of Short People I protest this characterization of my brothers and sisters. I challenge you to a duel.....<fumbles in vest>....now, where is my Derringer gotten to.....?"




Attachment (1)

_____________________________

Sing to the tune of "Man on the Flying Trapeze"
..Oh! We fly o'er the treetops with inches to spare,
There's smoke in the cockpit and gray in my hair.
The tracers look fine as a strafin' we go.
But, brother, we're TOO God damn low...

(in reply to Cap Mandrake)
Post #: 2348
RE: Huge Magazine explosion near Perth! - 6/5/2008 3:49:54 AM   
Cap Mandrake


Posts: 23184
Joined: 11/15/2002
From: Southern California
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: tabpub


quote:

ORIGINAL: Cap Mandrake
Short People got no reason
Short People got no reason
Short People got no reason
To live

They got little hands
And little eyes
And they walk around
Tellin' great big lies
They got little noses
And tiny little teeth
They wear platform shoes
On their nasty little feet............


"My dear Group Captain Mandrake,
as President of the European Chapter for the Advancement of Short People I protest this characterization of my brothers and sisters. I challenge you to a duel.....<fumbles in vest>....now, where is my Derringer gotten to.....?"





My Dear Emperor Bonaparte;

I believe you have me confused with this fellow:



In any event, if you chose not to rescind your challenge, I shall require the weapons to be environmentally safe and be provided by M&M Enterprises Weapons Division. They can currently be reached in Darwin, Australia (if you even know where that is).

(in reply to tabpub)
Post #: 2349
RE: Huge Magazine explosion near Perth! - 6/5/2008 4:49:59 AM   
Moondawggie


Posts: 403
Joined: 10/18/2003
From: Placer County CA
Status: offline 		I agree with Mandrake's explanation, Mr. Short Emperor, Sir. The guy in the photo is the guilty party!

And, I Love L. A.

_____________________________

"The Yankees got all the smart ones, and look where it got them."

General George Pickett, the night before Gettysburg

(in reply to Cap Mandrake)
Post #: 2350
RE: Huge Magazine explosion near Perth! - 6/5/2008 8:54:23 AM   
witpqs


Posts: 26087
Joined: 10/4/2004
From: Argleton
Status: offline 		Well, you boys just settle your differences in here



then shake hands and be friends.

(in reply to Moondawggie)
Post #: 2351
RE: the B Ark - 6/5/2008 10:39:17 AM   
gladiatt


Posts: 2576
Joined: 4/10/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Cap Mandrake

Gladiatt;

I wouldn't worry about your boss. If he looks up the url for matrixgames he will just think you are a geek and are wasting time.

WOW , how could you tell i'm wasting time !!

I'me reading YOUR AAR !!

That's not wasting time
(anyway, that's dangerous for my zygomatics muscles...just imagine if i get out of job with a crisped face and tears in the eyes )

(in reply to Cap Mandrake)
Post #: 2352
RE: Huge Magazine explosion near Perth! - 6/5/2008 2:12:52 PM   
rtrapasso


Posts: 22653
Joined: 9/3/2002
Status: offline 		Mr. R. Newman, who stands (iirc) around 5'4" tall, got many unhappy letters including some death threats (if his interview (heard years ago) is to be believed...)

(in reply to Cap Mandrake)
Post #: 2353
RE: Huge Magazine explosion near Perth! - 6/5/2008 7:12:48 PM   
Cap Mandrake


Posts: 23184
Joined: 11/15/2002
From: Southern California
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: witpqs

Well, you boys just settle your differences in here



then shake hands and be friends.


Wow is that SVGA? Isn't the advancement of technology awesome? I need to get me one of those.

(in reply to witpqs)
Post #: 2354
RE: Huge Magazine explosion near Perth! - 6/6/2008 5:03:01 AM   
Moondawggie


Posts: 403
Joined: 10/18/2003
From: Placer County CA
Status: offline 		Hmmm---that sure looks like a very small steel cage for a deathmatch.

I doubt anyone over 5' 2" could climb in there...

Since I have it on good authority that Kimbo Slice's only backyard defeat came at the hands of Mandrake, I don't think Mandrake could even fit in the same cage with the Emperor.

They say this photo was taken just before Kimbo went down...




Attachment (1)

_____________________________

"The Yankees got all the smart ones, and look where it got them."

General George Pickett, the night before Gettysburg

(in reply to Cap Mandrake)
Post #: 2355
Milk Run - 6/6/2008 7:20:48 PM   
Cap Mandrake


Posts: 23184
Joined: 11/15/2002
From: Southern California
Status: offline 		Dang! I didn't realize I had let myself go like that! No wonder the guy at the DMV was giggling. Which one am I, BTW?


Lt. De Groot.....you know....the young kid from Curacao.....




Attachment (1)

(in reply to Moondawggie)
Post #: 2356
milky white bosom (and tanned too) - 6/6/2008 10:21:26 PM   
Cap Mandrake


Posts: 23184
Joined: 11/15/2002
From: Southern California
Status: offline 		..




Attachment (1)

(in reply to gladiatt)
Post #: 2357
RE: milky white bosom (and tanned too) - 6/6/2008 11:11:49 PM   
BrucePowers


Posts: 12094
Joined: 7/3/2004
Status: offline 		Uh-oh (again)

Does Anne look like acertain lady we know previously from this narrative?

(in reply to Cap Mandrake)
Post #: 2358
RE: milky white bosom (and tanned too) - 6/7/2008 5:44:03 PM   
Cap Mandrake


Posts: 23184
Joined: 11/15/2002
From: Southern California
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: BrucePowers

Uh-oh (again)


Indeed, he is just a kid, not even 18 yet. I ought to be illegal what she is doing....oh wait, it is.

quote:

Does Anne look like acertain lady we know previously from this narrative?



Ample bosom....check
beautiful...........check
slender arms.....check
covers mouth when laughs......check


(in reply to BrucePowers)
Post #: 2359
Young Cornelis is suffering - 6/7/2008 5:52:53 PM   
Cap Mandrake


Posts: 23184
Joined: 11/15/2002
From: Southern California
Status: offline 		The poor kid reminds me of this chap..


"In vain I stretch out my arms toward her in the morning, when I wake from heavy dreams, in vain I seek her at night in my bed when a happy, innocent dream has deceived me into thinking that I was sitting beside her on the meadow, holding her hand and covering it with a thousand kisses. Oh, when I grope for her, still half drunk with sleep, and then become fully awake through thsi act--a stream of tears breaks from my anguished heart, and I weep at the hopelessness of a drak future"


Ouch! That is going to leave a mark.

(in reply to Cap Mandrake)
Post #: 2360
RE: Young Cornelis is suffering - 6/7/2008 6:13:20 PM   
Terminus


Posts: 41459
Joined: 4/23/2005
From: Denmark
Status: offline 		A "drak" future?

_____________________________

We are all dreams of the Giant Space Butterfly.

(in reply to Cap Mandrake)
Post #: 2361
RE: Young Cornelis is suffering - 6/7/2008 6:59:21 PM   
Cap Mandrake


Posts: 23184
Joined: 11/15/2002
From: Southern California
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Terminus

A "drak" future?


Congratulations! Terminus has correctly identified the author of the passage.......Bram Stoker

(in reply to Terminus)
Post #: 2362
RE: Young Cornelis is suffering - 6/7/2008 7:01:55 PM   
USSAmerica


Posts: 18715
Joined: 10/28/2002
From: Graham, NC, USA
Status: offline 		Nah, Terminus is just another word for spellcheck.

_____________________________

Mike

"Good times will set you free" - Jimmy Buffett

"They need more rum punch" - Me


Artwork by The Amazing Dixie

(in reply to Cap Mandrake)
Post #: 2363
Bloody useless twits - 6/7/2008 10:46:35 PM   
Cap Mandrake


Posts: 23184
Joined: 11/15/2002
From: Southern California
Status: offline 		**********Meeting of Steering Committee, Operation You Know What, SEAC HQ, Ledo, January 18, 1943*********




......

Staffer 1: Right, may we have the Secretary read back the last resolution, then?

Secretary: <barely concealing his annoyance...no..I would say it was more in the vein of barely restraining himself from calling all of them "bloody useless twits"> RESOLVED: THAT THE STEERING COMMITTEE OF OPERATION YOU KNOW WHAT DOES HEREBY RESOLVE TO FORMALLY SUSPEND DELIBERATIONS UNTIL 14:00 HOURS ON THE 18TH OF JANUARY, NINTEEN AND FORTY THREE, ANNO DOMINI, IN ORDER TO TAKE A LUNCHEON REPAST."

Staffer 1: That sounds superb! Any comments?

Staffer 3: What about the use of the lavatory, then? The resolution is silent on that.

Staffer 1: Good point. Suggestions?

Staffer 2: I would also feel better if we clarified that.

Staffer 3: Very well, I move we be permitted to take a luncheon repast AND use the lavatory...if needed, of course.

Staffer 2: Point of order, Mr. Chairman. I believe this will have to be a modification of the motion before us rather than a new motion, unless the Major wishes to withdraw his motion and reintroduce it as a separate resolution after we act on the one before us..............



Sentry 1: <As a whispered aside to the sentry beside him. They stand some 20 feet from the conference table> Bloody useless twits is wot I say. The resolution is silent on the issue of which hand to wipe his bloody arse with too. Wot do you think?

Sentry 2: Oh, they are bloody useless twits alright.

Sentry 1: No, I meant about Operation You Know Wot.

Sentry 2: Ah, yes. Well if you ask me, if we are looking for a more "energetic remedy" then I say we bypass Mandalay and Rangoon and come at them by sea. What 'as the bloody Royal Navy been doing lately?

Sentry 1: My thoughts exactly! Moulemein then or Tavoy, perhaps?

Sentry 2: Steady on, mate. Tavoy is within range of your A6M2 flying out of Bangkok.

Sentry 1: So is Moulemin.

Sentry 2: Is it then? Well, in any event, I favor Moulemein as the landing forces could use rail transport to quickly seize the crossings over the Salween.

Sentry 1: Wot good would that do? They shant 'ave any locomotives or rolling stock. 'ave you any idea what the port facilities at Moulemein are like?

Sentry 2: Paragraph 24, Section A, Naval Treaty of 1925. ....Let's see. <pullls out a dog-eared paperback copy>...yes, "in the event of a capture of a rail hex, the previous owner of the hex shall provide locomotives, rolling stock, service facilites and unlimited coal supplies sufficent to transport up to 2000 vehicles and 100,000 men along with their logistical tail up to 60 miles in 2 day..."

Sentry 1: Bloody 'ell! That is one bloody great loophole. What about Andaman? Isn't there a Daitai of Sallys there?........

(in reply to USSAmerica)
Post #: 2364
RE: Bloody useless twits - 6/11/2008 5:20:17 AM   
Moondawggie


Posts: 403
Joined: 10/18/2003
From: Placer County CA
Status: offline 		Once again, it looks like the senior enlisted ranks have a much better grip on reality than the REMF staff officer talent.

Kind of reminds me of my own 5 years of active duty out in the WestPac and the IO in Uncle Sam's Canoe Club (but hey---I was out of the loop; just the Medical Officer!)

I bet it was like that for the Greek rowers discussing strategy the night before Salamis, too.

Academics: If you know it, you do it. If you don't, you teach it.

Medicine: If you know it, you do it. If you don't, you administrate it.

Military: If you know it, you do it. If you don't, you become a staff officer.

Some things never change...

_____________________________

"The Yankees got all the smart ones, and look where it got them."

General George Pickett, the night before Gettysburg

(in reply to Cap Mandrake)
Post #: 2365
More energetic remedy - 6/11/2008 9:49:43 PM   
Cap Mandrake


Posts: 23184
Joined: 11/15/2002
From: Southern California
Status: offline 		***********10th USAAF HQ, Dacca, January 18, 1943**********



Gen. Chennault: <reading communique> "MORE ENERGETIC REMEDY? MORE ENERGETIC REMEDY?" Goddmaned, cretinous, pinheaded pencil-pushers. <turns to aide> YOU, what haven't we bombed recently?

Aide #1: Ummm...Pagan, sir?

Gen. Chennault: Pagan, where the Hell is that?

Aide #1: Burma, sir.

Gen. Chennault: Any Jap planes there?

Aide #1: Intelligence estimates a small number of recon aircraft, sir.

Gen. Chennault: Screw that. Does that sound energetic to you? Let's break something. Ideas, people. I need ideas.

Aide #2: How about Andaman, sir? It's been a least a month since we attacked there. Last I head they had a Daitai of bombers, Sallys I think, and some zeroes.

Gen. Chennault: What the Hell is a "Daitai"?

Aide #2: It's Japanese, like squadron, sir.

Gen. Chennault: <approaches the aide> Major, do I look Japanese to you?

Aide #2: No sir, not at all.

Gen. Chennault: Good, then I don't want to hear any more Goddamned Japanese around here. I don't want to hear one more Goddamned word of Godamned Japanese until the last Godamned little yellow bastard left standing is told where to sign the Godamned surrender document. Is that Godamned clear? <scans the room for the appropriate signs of assent>

Good! Now somebody show me where that soon to be Hell-hole Andaman is on the map.......

(in reply to gladiatt)
Post #: 2366
RE: More energetic remedy - 6/12/2008 5:49:29 AM   
Moondawggie


Posts: 403
Joined: 10/18/2003
From: Placer County CA
Status: offline 		Omigosh, Mandrake! Fot a guy in the field, there's only thing worse than advice from an in-theater staff officer: some strategic and tactical instructions from the Pentagon, instead.

I can see why Chennault is disturbed. I just hope Yossarian hasn't been transferred up to the CBI theater...there are fragile fish populations endemic to the the Andamans who get disturbed and quit feeding when loud noises and transient high pressure waves occur nearby.




Attachment (1)

_____________________________

"The Yankees got all the smart ones, and look where it got them."

General George Pickett, the night before Gettysburg

(in reply to Cap Mandrake)
Post #: 2367
F-5A (not the one you are thinking of) - 6/12/2008 7:44:48 PM   
Cap Mandrake


Posts: 23184
Joined: 11/15/2002
From: Southern California
Status: offline 		********5,000 ft over the Bay of Bengal, 5 m NE Andaman Island, 16:20, January 18, 1943**********


Lt. McClelland was initially not pleased to be assigned to reconnaissance duty. He could never get past the idea of a genealogical burden and imagined every decision made by someone else over his carreer was tied to something that happened almost 80 years ago. Even so, he was very pleased when his group was equiped with the new, experimental F-5A, a twin seat recon version of the P-38 which bulged with new cameras. He was the first to fly one in the PTO on a combat mission. The F-5A had been rushed into production to accomodate the court-mandated SPCA ride-alongs. He had such a ride-along today, the fellow must have weighed 125 soaking wet and possesed a neck like an egret. It was much too thin and capable of improbable movements. He even blinked his eyes like a bird. It was unnerving, which is a bad thing when you are flying over an island with a bunch of angry Japs that have just had their tranquility ruptured by 100+ heavy bombers of the 10th Air Force. There was a wheezing sound coming over the intercom. He turned off the com to the back-seater. This was serious business. He adjusted his altitude to get under some clouds and the base came into view. There were several oil tanks burning and dozens of damaged planes, perhaps as many as 50, Zeroes, Sallys and another medium bomber he could not identify. What was missing was any AAA fire of Jap fighters aloft. He goosed the throttle to max and prepared to start the motorized camera banks.

In the back seat, the wheezing sound turned to quiet sobs as the observer counted at least 3 dead specimens of Balaenoptera edeni and perhaps a dozen spinner dolphin. He tought to himslef,"Can't those guys hit anything? I am going straight to Gen. Chennault when I get back. This MUST stop!"

< Message edited by Cap Mandrake -- 6/12/2008 7:46:05 PM >

(in reply to gladiatt)
Post #: 2368
Fortune Cookie - 6/12/2008 10:00:51 PM   
Cap Mandrake


Posts: 23184
Joined: 11/15/2002
From: Southern California
Status: offline 		What is with the Royal Navy Admirals in this game? Looks like Willis is going to be supervising dredging operation at Chandpur form now on.


******Aboard HMS Warspite, 190 miles NNE Akyab, Course 135, speed 24 kts, 19:40, January 18, 1943*******


Admiral Algernon Willis is just finishing a delicious plate of Thai food in his cabin. He sits pensivley, an opened fortune cookie on the table. There is a knock on the door.

Admiral Willis: Enter!

Ship's Captain: <opens door> Sir, we have some splendid news from Colombo. They have just broadcast the signal "Icarus". That means the American raid on Andaman must have succeeded. The air threat has receded.

Admiral Willis: Has it? Take a look at this. <he hands him the fortune from the open cookie..it reads "you will be receiving unexpected visitors">

Ship's Captain: <reads it quickly> But sir, that could mean a thousand things, moreover it is just a fortune cookie.

Admiral Willis: Perhpas, but why did I open it on this night? And what of the code word, Icarus. Why was that code word selected?

Ship's Captain: But sir, it's just a code word. It might have been Zeus or Promethius.

Admiral Willis: Aha! But it wasn't Zeus or Prometheus was it? That is exactly my point. Perhaps someone was trying to tell us something. My mind is made up. Make our course for Chandpur. Akyab will have to wait.




(in reply to gladiatt)
Post #: 2369
RE: Fortune Cookie - 6/12/2008 11:39:46 PM   
bradfordkay

 

Posts: 8683
Joined: 3/24/2002
From: Olympia, WA
Status: offline 		Uhhh... did you send them to a point in the ocean to wait for the air raid to take out the airbase but forgot to set them to "Patrol, Do not retire"?

_____________________________

fair winds,
Brad

(in reply to Cap Mandrake)
Post #: 2370
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