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RE: Is that a green African parrot? - 12/28/2008 3:43:47 PM   
witpqs


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Cap Mandrake

Now take two steps forward and allemand right around the Monument........


You're giving square dance classes! How culturally sensitive!

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Post #: 2821
The King's English - 1/2/2009 6:56:03 PM   
Cap Mandrake


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********Burmese Python Wargame Summary Consensus Report Drafting Board, Results Sub-Committee, 1st Meeting, SEAC HQ< Rangoon, April 8, 1943***********

1st Staffer: Yes, well, please let's call the meeting to order. I'd like to keep this as informal as possible as we've a lot to accomplish and Lord Mountbatten is awaiting the report. <hand is raised> ...Yes, Major?

2nd Staffer: Sir, I move we make the meeting informal.

1st Staffer: I second that. Is there any discussion?

3rd Staffer: Gentleman, does it not occur to you that a motion to make the meeting more informal is oxymoronic?

2nd Staffer: Col., I'll have you know I scored 2421 out of a possible 3000 on the Manchester Multiphasic Personality Inventory. I find your intimation of cognitive impairment on my part most offensive.

3rd Staffer: I was not impugning your intelligence, Major. The term "oxymoronic" means inherently discordant or contradictory.

1st Staffer: Never the less, there will be no name calling.

3rd Staffer: But I did no such thing.

1st Staffer: Splendid, then see to it doesn't happen again.

3rd Staffer: But if it didn't happen on the first occaision, then it cannot happen again? That is oxymoronic.

2nd Staffer: THERE! He said it again!

3rd Staffer: LOOK, Major, are we to use the King's English here or not? And, by the way, the MMPI is not an intelligence test. If I'm not mistaken, low scores are generally desirable.

1st Staffer: GENTLEMEN! HALT! ....Thank you....now..there being no further discussion, the motion carries.

3rd Staffer: I am afraid I will have to call for a voice or ballot vote, Mr. Chairman.

1st Staffer: Oh very well. All those in favor please raise your hand.

2nd Staffer: Col., may we have the secretary read back the motion? I am afraid I am fuzzy on that.

Staff Sargeant acting as secretary: < thinking to himself> Oh dear God! That is not all that is fuzzy around here. What a bunch of cretinous B-Ark types. I am surprised we are not having this meeting in Aden with these nits in charge......







< Message edited by Cap Mandrake -- 1/2/2009 6:57:04 PM >

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Post #: 2822
Irrational - 1/2/2009 8:34:33 PM   
Cap Mandrake


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********Burmese Python Wargame Summary Consensus Report Drafting Board, Results Sub-Committee, 1st Meeting, SEAC HQ, Rangoon, April 8, 1943 (three hrs into the meeting)***********



1st Staffer: ...Right, let us turn our attention to paragraph 3-b, section C. The draft reads "It is our estimation that the the Japs can, with sufficient effort, land forces at either Tavoy or Moulmein, albeit at substantial risk to their naval forces."

2nd Staffer: What's wrong with that? I rather liked it.

1st Staffer: Yes, it is quite good...it's just that the colloquial "Japs" seemed a bit coarse. It IS going to Mountbatten.

2d Staffer: Good point sir. How about "little yellow bastards"?

1st Staffer: Not bad, Major, but I was thinking more along the lines of "the Empire of Japan".

2nd Staffer: Yes, I accept that modification, provided we make some modifications on the numeric estimates.

1st Staffer: Very well, please proceed.

2nd Staffer: Yes, thank you Mr. Chairman. Appendix XXIV, page 12, 3rd paragraph reads, "In the event of the intervention of the Royal Navy carriers early in the course of the battle, we estimate the loss or incapacitation of all carriers at 66.666666666", it goes on like that for at least 5 pages.

3rd Staffer: Yes, Sir, I believe I can take that. On 2 of 3 trials, all Royal Navy carriers were lost or left dead in the water after confronting the Little Yellow Bastard's carriers. That is merely the decimal calculation. My staff are still working on it. We are up to about 300 digits and still have no final solution.

2nd Staffer: Col., did you not deduce a pattern after the first..oh let's say....20 or so 6's?

3rd Staffer: Yes, quite odd. A "6" every time.

1st Staffer: More than odd. Irrational, I dare say.

2nd Staffer: PRECISELY, SIR! It IS irrational. I propose we simply round up at some point.....let's say 66.7%.

3rd Staffer: But it ISN'T 66.7%! Would you have us prevaricate?

1st Staffer: Absolutely NOT! I want this done today! There will be no prevarication. One should never put off till tomorrow what one can do today.

3rd Staffer: Mr. Chairman, I believe you mean "procrastinate"

1st Staffer: Colonel! This is no place for scatalogical or sexual word play. We are officers in the employ of the King.

2nd Staffer: Precisely! That is why we should not waste 20 pages of the King's paper by filling it with line after line of the number 6. Why, there will be no end to it.

3rd Staffer: Major, how can you be so sure that the 301st digit is not a 3, for example?

2nd Staffer: Don't you think it would have popped up by now?

3rd Staffer: Aha, but do you have proof?

2nd Staffer: Look, it's just the way it is. 3 does not go into 10 evenly.

3rd Staffer: "Ten", what does "ten" have to do with this? It's 2 into 3.

1st Staffer: Look, you both have good points. Suppose we publish the five pages and attach a footnote at the end of the 500th digit referring the reader to the Colonel's office for further information, if desired? Colonel, do you think your office can the 500 digits ready by this afternoon?

3rd Staffer: I have my best men on it Colonel.

1st Staffer: Splendid! I feel we are really starting to make a difference in the war effort now. This is, and well for us it is so, this is one area where the Japs, with their little Oriental brains cannot hope to compete. Now, I would like to take up the matter ot a tea break. may I have a proposal?....................






< Message edited by Cap Mandrake -- 1/2/2009 8:39:11 PM >

(in reply to Cap Mandrake)
Post #: 2823
RE: Irrational - 1/3/2009 1:59:25 AM   
Moondawggie


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"Irrational," indeed.



_____________________________

"The Yankees got all the smart ones, and look where it got them."

General George Pickett, the night before Gettysburg

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Post #: 2824
Emperor Brand Kool-Aid - 1/3/2009 5:11:55 PM   
Cap Mandrake


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SITREP: Burma and Siam, April 9, 1943

Burma Road: A combined Commonwealth/Chinese force attacked remnants of the 21st Mixed Brigade holding the last section of the Myitkyina fork of the Burma Road in Jap control. Even though they number almost 15,000 troops, they must be down to 120 lbs each, because the inexperienced and malaria-plagued Allied force achieved a 26:1 ratio. Despite this, the Allies suffer more casualties and deplete their supply source at Myitkyina. The Japs, for their part, must still be getting some supplies as they had plenty of Emperor Brand Kool-Aid, refusing to retreat even though there is a Jap-controlled (but vacant) jungle hex to the West. An Indian Corps HQ will be sent up the line from Rangoon to boost logistical support and 3rd Carabineers Regt will be sent from Taung Gyi to lend some armour support.

Krung Thep Front: Nearly 100,000 troops of the remnants of the Burma Area Army attacked III Indian Corps (17th Indian Div, 23rd Indian Div and 254th Indian Armoured Brig. under the command of Gen. Warren) on the rail NE of Krung Thep, attempting a breakout toward Bangkok. They achieved a 1:1 ratio which is surprising given what they have been through. I think they are drawing supply from across the river in limited quatities. III Corps held on, inflicting 4:1 casualties. Nealy 100 heavy bombers from Moulmein pound the Burma Area Army daily, weather permitting.

Rangoon: Burmese Python Wargame Summary Consensus Report Drafting Board is nearly done with their penultimate draft consensus report. A week max..they promise.

Ceylon: (look I know it isn't in Burma so just sh...oh Hell...just don't say anything...OK?) The Admiralty asked for one carrier and two destroyers back, this after they just sent two DD's last month. I wish they would make up their largely patrician minds.

(in reply to Moondawggie)
Post #: 2825
RE: Emperor Brand Kool-Aid - 1/3/2009 5:21:38 PM   
FOW

 

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Cap Mandrake

Ceylon: (look I know it isn't in Burma so just sh...oh Hell...just don't say anything...OK?) The Admiralty asked for one carrier and two destroyers back, this after they just sent two DD's last month. I wish they would make up their largely patrician minds.


Those Whitehall Mandarins knew exactly what they were doing - they sent those two DDs last month with the express knowledge they wanted them to escort a CV back this month. Who says only the Chinese can be inscrutable?

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Post #: 2826
Over Amboina - 1/3/2009 5:28:38 PM   
Cap Mandrake


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A big USAAF and RAAF fighter sweep over Amboina form Kai Is. goes awry. Curiously, less than half of the airworthy P-38's take off. 17 Jacks and 10 Tonys rise to confront 26 Kittyhawks and 18 P-38's. That is a ratio of 44 Allied to 27 Jap or 1.6:1. The RAAF pilots are particularly hotshots. Even so, the Japs lost 7 to the Allied 9. Hardly a "sweep", eh? At least 4 pilots of No. 25 Sdrn pilot their damaged Kittyhawks back to Kai before being packed in ambulances (or worse) as there are now 4 more planes than there are pilots in the squadron. I suppose their might have been a bar fight or something. We shall see. Gen Brent of SWPac has ordered an investigation. He has also ordered an investigation as to why over 1/2 of the P-38's skipped the fight.

Somebody is going to be in BIG trouble, I tell you. A word of advice, if a Col. Corleone from SWPac comes calling be really nice but don't say nothin'.

< Message edited by Cap Mandrake -- 1/3/2009 5:32:09 PM >

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Post #: 2827
RE: Over Amboina - 1/3/2009 5:33:46 PM   
witpqs


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Deploy Frau Braun to Kai Island. That'll get their butts moving.

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Post #: 2828
Editor's Note - 1/3/2009 5:39:59 PM   
Cap Mandrake


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Guest Editor's Note (Mr. Charles Lindbergh): I wish to thank the board for the opportunity as guest editor of this fine circular, but I do have some comments. Firstly, one should not use the possessive "their" when "there" is properly called for, as in the above: ".. I suppose their might have been a bar fight or something.." This is a common mistake but is quite annoying to the literate reader.

Secondly, I deplore the carnage on display here. If only the United States had remained neutral and not engaged in such a bellicose oil embargo, then American boys would not be....<POOF>

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Post #: 2829
RE: Editor's Note - 1/3/2009 5:44:25 PM   
Cap Mandrake


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Editor's Note (Anon.): The Board wishes to express our sincere condolences to Mrs. Linbergh. Also, the expression "literate reader" is oxymoronic. It it the hope of the Board that..<POOF>

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Post #: 2830
RE: Editor's Note - 1/3/2009 5:46:54 PM   
Cap Mandrake


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Editor's Note (Anon.): Actually, the expression "literate reader" is redundant not oxymoronic. In general, it is considered superior writing style to avoid the use of supernumeray words <POOF>

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Post #: 2831
RE: Emperor Brand Kool-Aid - 1/3/2009 5:47:48 PM   
Cap Mandrake


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quote:

ORIGINAL: FOW

...Whitehall Mandarins....



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Post #: 2832
RE: Over Amboina - 1/3/2009 5:48:47 PM   
Cap Mandrake


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quote:

ORIGINAL: witpqs

Deploy Frau Braun to Kai Island. That'll get their butts moving.


Hello...DING!

BTW...I think it should be "there butts"

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Post #: 2833
RE: Editor's Note - 1/3/2009 5:49:16 PM   
witpqs


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Charles Lindbergh and the 475th Fighter Group

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Post #: 2834
Colombo - 1/3/2009 6:00:39 PM   
Cap Mandrake


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*******Eastern Fleet HQ, Colombo, Ceylon, April 9, 1943*******


Adm Somerville: <slams down a stack of papers> BLOODY HELL! A VICTORIOUS CLASS? DAMN IT TO HELL! We've Frobisher sitting in Bombay minus her bow and and Newcastle with a seized port shaft, why the bloody hell couldn't they call for a crusier? Last time I checked the Kriegsmarine didn't have and bloody carriers. Or what about that piece of indolent canine excrement, Hermes? Why couldn't they call for that? How do they expect us to be more "energetic"? DAMN IT ALL TO HELL. BLOODY WHITEHALL MANDARINS*!

Aide: <closes door to office> Sir, if I may. The order is silent on the issue of the attached air groups.

Adm Somerville: <a glower slowly turns into a smile>


* expression attributed to Mr. FOW



< Message edited by Cap Mandrake -- 1/3/2009 6:05:43 PM >

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Post #: 2835
RE: Editor's Note - 1/3/2009 6:09:24 PM   
Cap Mandrake


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quote:

ORIGINAL: witpqs



Charles Lindbergh and the 475th Fighter Group


Good read. His descent from American hero status to persona non grata was meteoric. I suspect he ticked off FDR. There is hope, however. Number Two is now in the Whitehouse and banishment to the cornfield is not irreversible..I think.

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Post #: 2836
RE: Editor's Note - 1/3/2009 6:32:45 PM   
Feinder


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That's interesting.  I knew he was a German sympathizer, but didn't realize that he got a second chance.  Thanks for the article.

-F-

_____________________________

"It is obvious that you have greatly over-estimated my regard for your opinion." - Me


(in reply to Cap Mandrake)
Post #: 2837
RE: Editor's Note - 1/3/2009 8:13:39 PM   
bradfordkay

 

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I haven't read the link, but I believe that he was quite helpful in teaching our pilots fuel conservation methods so that they could stay on target longer. Is that what the link is about? 

_____________________________

fair winds,
Brad

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Post #: 2838
RE: Editor's Note - 1/3/2009 8:20:41 PM   
witpqs


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Partly. It also go into his time with the squadron, and before that covers his 'fall from grace' as others mentioned.

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Post #: 2839
Adult Diapers - 1/3/2009 10:47:29 PM   
Cap Mandrake


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***********Luganville, Eastern Espiritu Santos, 12:20, April 8, 1943*********


A Marine Cpt. gives orders to his reinforced company approaching the Lungaville airfield. He grabs the radio mike from his radioman and begins transmitting..


"Am in contact with enemy. Opposition consits of 300-400 men in cooley hats and diapers. No weapons...check that...one Jap officer <150 yds away a Japanese officer can be seen arguing and gesticulating with the men in diapers....that is until a pick axe is seen to penetrate his pith helmet neatly from above. He stands there for a few seconds, the handle of the pick axe sticking oddly up at a 45 degree angle before he topples over much to the amusement of the men in diapers> "...oh..hold on..make that no Jap officer, over"...........

quote:


Ground combat at Luganville

Allied Shock attack

Attacking force 280 troops, 0 guns, 0 vehicles, Assault Value = 48

Defending force 400 troops, 0 guns, 0 vehicles, Assault Value = 1

Allied max assault: 38 - adjusted assault: 38

Japanese max defense: 0 - adjusted defense: 1

Allied assault odds: 38 to 1 (fort level 1)

Allied forces CAPTURE Luganville base !!!


Japanese ground losses:
399 casualties reported
Oh dear, I hope the Cpt. kept a lid on things...399 casualties

< Message edited by Cap Mandrake -- 1/3/2009 11:12:26 PM >

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Post #: 2840
RE: Adult Diapers - 1/3/2009 11:15:44 PM   
Cap Mandrake


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*******Luganville Airfield, 12:55, April 8, 1943********


USMC Cpt.: <speaking on radio>...Have completed sweep of area. No hostiles. Airfield secure. Having lovely meal of salted sea urchin roe and Kim Chi...over

< Message edited by Cap Mandrake -- 1/3/2009 11:17:01 PM >

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RE: Adult Diapers - 1/4/2009 12:44:22 AM   
witpqs


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Attacking Force 280 men ???

What gives, Cap Lord High Admiral/General?

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Post #: 2842
Kim Chi with your nails? - 1/4/2009 1:48:03 AM   
Cap Mandrake


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quote:

ORIGINAL: witpqs

Attacking Force 280 men ???

What gives, Cap Lord High Admiral/General?


4th Marine Raider Bn. They eat nails but are not opposed to having some Kim Chi and sea urchin roe if the opportunity arises.

I believe they were sent by fast transport TF from Efate after Espirtu Santos was revealed to be "lightly garrsioned". In the event, the island was VERY lightly garrisoned, 399 Korean laborers in diapers and one Jap officer who now has a pick axe in his head. It seems the Koreans lacked sufficient motivation to die for the Emperor. Now the Allies have another level 4 airfield athwart Jap supply line to New Caledonia.



I am not sure why a Marine Raider Bn has 63% support troops, but, I am only a novice.




Attachment (1)

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Post #: 2843
overblown blowhards - 1/4/2009 9:27:01 AM   
tabpub


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.






Attachment (1)

< Message edited by tabpub -- 1/4/2009 9:34:34 AM >


_____________________________

Sing to the tune of "Man on the Flying Trapeze"
..Oh! We fly o'er the treetops with inches to spare,
There's smoke in the cockpit and gray in my hair.
The tracers look fine as a strafin' we go.
But, brother, we're TOO God damn low...

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Post #: 2844
RE: overblown blowhards - 1/4/2009 3:06:58 PM   
BrucePowers


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Looking at the supply situation, aren't these guys hungry? Do they have any ammo left?

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Post #: 2845
RE: overblown blowhards - 1/4/2009 4:29:24 PM   
Cap Mandrake


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quote:

ORIGINAL: BrucePowers

Looking at the supply situation, aren't these guys hungry? Do they have any ammo left?


Maybe "Big Daddy" Don Garlits could call 4th Raider Bn HQ and see if they can spare some nails.

< Message edited by Cap Mandrake -- 1/4/2009 4:42:10 PM >


_____________________________


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Post #: 2846
With the morning joe - 1/4/2009 5:24:40 PM   
Cap Mandrake


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*******SWPac HQ, near Darwin, 07:20, April 9, 1943*******


Col. Corleone: ...a Dutch PBM out of Aru reported attacking and probable sunk on....<looks at notes>..."PT Goyateri #6" near Sorong Harbor.

Gen. Short: Hold on. How many times has that thing been sunk?

Col. Corleone: <looks at notes> Ummm....at least six times sir.

Gen. Short: I thought so. Maybe it's a decoy or maybe it's...uh...what do you call it when it is stuck on land?

Col. Corleone: Beached, sir?

Gen. Short: Yeah, that's it, beached. Don't we have someting at Kai that can get up there? What do you call those plywood boats, TP's?

Col. Corleone: PT's sir.

Gen. Short: Yeah, that's it. Send up a flight of those.

Col. Corleone: You mean a flotilla, sir?

Gen. Short: Come on, Vito, don't bust my chops. You know what I mean.

Col. Corleone: Yes sir.

Gen. Short: OK, what else you got?

Col. Corleone: I just looked at the F-5 recon stuff from Amboina. It looks like nearly 80 operable fighters.

Gen. Short: EIGHTY!? Didn't I just authorize a big fighter sweep of Amboina?

Col. Corleone: Yes, sir. I would say it fell short of expectations.

Gen. Short: I'm listening.

Col. Corleone: Well, sir, it seems over half the P-38's did not participate in the mission.

Gen. Short: DID NOT PARTICIPATE?! Holy Hell, Vito, it was an order not an invitation. I want you to get up to Kai and find out what the Hell the problem is. I want to be ready for Inchworm II as soon as Kai can accomodate the 25's. Make them an offer they can't refuse.

< Message edited by Cap Mandrake -- 1/4/2009 5:25:00 PM >

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Post #: 2847
Abatement Order - 1/4/2009 5:59:59 PM   
Cap Mandrake


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*******Kai Island Airfield, 09:20, April 9, 1943**********

Skipper (SPCA rep.): I am sorry Colonel, that is just the way it is. I counted no less than 12 Kai Island Greater Snatch nests on the North side of the runway.

Col Irine: But the Japs built the runway!

Skipper (SPCA rep.): That matters not to the 12th District Court of Appeals! <slaps a court order down on the table>

Col Irine: Perhaps the 12th District Court of Appeals might change their mind if the Japs bombed San Francisco.

Skipper (SPCA rep.): Are you threatening agents of the judiciary?

Col Irine: Rassafrassa..mmmbmmzr....All right, damnit! What do we have to do?

Skipper (SPCA rep.): I'm resticting all flights between 05:00 and 11:00 and 15:00 and 19:00.

Col Irine: But that's most of the day! What if the Japs attack. We can't keep a proper CAP up? How would you like it if the Japs dropped an egg on your tent?

Skipper (SPCA rep.): Take it up with the 12th District...and don't threaten me Col. We know what happened at Aru.

Col Irine: Is that it then?

Skipper (SPCA rep.): Single engine planes must use only the South side of the runway. Twin engine plans must operate without their Northernmost engine during take off an landing.........


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Post #: 2848
HMS Trusty - 1/4/2009 6:08:33 PM   
Cap Mandrake


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HMS Trusty slipped under the waves on 4-8-1943(b). She succombed to damage suffered off Singapore 5 days earlier. She was unable to make Derby due to progressive flooding and her severely limited speed.

She was a good boat. That is the second sub lost in the Malacca Straight in two weeks. Recon over Singapore show a half dozen likely ASW groups in port. That explains why the boats were being attacked almost daily. At least one recon boat is being kept on station further North in the staright to guard against Jap carriers sprinting into the Andaman Sea but patrols off Palembang are dangerous now.

< Message edited by Cap Mandrake -- 1/4/2009 6:09:00 PM >

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Post #: 2849
RE: HMS Trusty - 1/4/2009 7:22:01 PM   
witpqs


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Cap Mandrake

Recon over Singapore show a half dozen likely ASW groups in port.


So maybe he is getting ready for a foray...

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Post #: 2850
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