Onime No Kyo
Posts: 16842
Joined: 4/28/2004
Status: offline
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Tithe. Some humor from my inbox....
quote:
> Actual court recordings
>
> These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are
> things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
> published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while
> these exchanges were actually taking place.
>
>
> ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
> WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
>
>
> ____________________________________________________________________
> ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
> WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
>
>
> ______________________________________
> ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
> WITNESS: Yes.
> ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
> WITNESS: I forget.
> ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
> forgot?
>
>
> _____________________________________
> ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that
> morning?
> WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
> ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
> WITNESS: My name is Susan!
>
>
> ______________________________________
> ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in
> voodoo?
> WITNESS: We both do.
> ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
> WITNESS: We do.
> ATTORNEY: You do?
> WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
>
>
> ______________________________________
> ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
> sleep,he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
> WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
>
>
> ____________________________________
> ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
> WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
>
>
> ________________________________________
> ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
> WITNESS: Are you ****t'in me?
>
>
> ______________________________________
> ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
> WITNESS: Yes.
> ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
> WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!
>
>
> ______________________________________
> ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
> WITNESS: Yes.
> ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
> WITNESS: None.
> ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
> WITNESS: Are you ****t'in me? Your Honor, I think I need a
> different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
>
>
> ______________________________________
> ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
> WITNESS: By death.
> ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
> WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
>
>
> ______________________________________
> ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
> WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
> ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
> WITNESS: Guess.
>
>
> _____________________________________
> ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
> deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
> WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
>
>
> ______________________________________
> ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you
> performed on dead people?
> WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
> Would you like to rephrase that?
>
>
> ______________________________________
> ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did
> you go to?
> WITNESS: Oral.
>
>
> ______________________________________
> ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
> WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
> ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
> WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I
> was doing an autopsy on him!
>
>
> ____________________________________________
> ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
> WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
>
>
> ______________________________________
> And the best for last:
> ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you
> check for a pulse?
> WITNESS: No.
> ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
> WITNESS: No.
> ATTORNEY: Did you chec k for breathing?
> WITNESS: No.
> ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive
> when you began the autopsy?
> WITNESS: No.
> ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
> WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
> ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
> nevertheless?
> WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive
> and practicing law.
_____________________________
"Mighty is the Thread! Great are its works and insane are its inhabitants!" -Brother Mynok
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RE: The Thread - 
Now I'm angry 
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