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RE: Joke Thread - 6/21/2007 1:47:56 AM

dexbox

Posts: 10
Joined: 6/21/2007
Status: offline

duck walks into a hardware store, approaches the counter, says to the man behind the counter " got any grapes?", the man replies, "this is a hardware store, we don't sell grapes here." the next day the duck walks in again, to the same counter, with the same man behind the counter he asks him "do you have any grapes?" the man answers annoyed, "we dont sell grapes here!" the duck leaves. he comes in the next day and inquires the very same thing, the man screams" THIS IS A HARDWARE STORE, WE DONT SELL GRAPES, IF YOU COME IN AGAIN IM GOING TO NAIL YOUR FEET TO THE GROUND!!!". the duck waddles out scared. he returns once more the next day, he approaches the counter and inquires to the man " do you have any nails?", the man baffled replies "no sorry we dont." the duck then asks "do you have any grapes?"

now after typing that all out i realized that it wasnt hardware store, so feel free to replace hardware store with somehting else, because a hardware store would obviously have nails, im just too tired after typing that all to chaneg it sorry.

_____________________________

(in reply to Jam_USMC)

Post #: 61

RE: Joke Thread - 6/27/2007 4:06:54 PM

robpost3

Posts: 465
Joined: 8/18/2006
From: the backwoods of Mass.
Status: offline

How to tell you have a Redneck Pilot

Your cross country flight plan uses flea markets as check points.

You think sectional charts should show trailer parks.

Your toothpick keeps poking your mic.

You've thought about just taxiing around the airport drinking beer.

You use a Purina feed sack for a wind sock.

You constantly confuse Beechcraft with Beechnut.

You think GPS stands for Going Perfectly Straight.

You refer to flying in formation as "We got us a convoy".

You have an orange airplane with a Union Jack on the side.

You've got a gun rack hanging on the passenger window.

You have more than one roll of duct tape holding your cowling together.
Your preflight includes removing all the clover, grass, and wheat from the
landing gear.

You siphon gas out of your tractor to put in your airplane.

You've never really actually landed at an airport, although you've been
flying for years.

There are parts on your airplane labeled "John Deere".

There's exhaust residue on the right side of your aircraft and tobacco
stains on the left.

You have to buzz the strip to chase off all the sheep.

You've landed on the main street of your town for a cup of coffee.

You fly to family reunions to meet girls.

You've won the "Bob Wire" award at a spot landing contest.

You have fuzzy dice hanging from the magnetic compass.

There are grass stains on your propeller tips.

The spittoon is wedged between the rudder pedals

Just before impact, you're heard saying "Hey, y'all, watch this!"

_____________________________

The Yankee Motto:
Use it up,
Wear it out,
Make do,
Or do without.
"God Help us, and God, come yourself.
Don't send Jesus, this is no place for children."

(in reply to dexbox)

Post #: 62

RE: Joke Thread - 7/4/2007 7:29:42 PM

pmelheck1

Posts: 610
Joined: 4/3/2003
From: Alabama
Status: offline

Why is PMS called PMS? because Mad Cow Disease was taken.

The way government works:

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in
D.C.. One from New Jersey , another from Tennessee and the third, Florida .
They go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring,
then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job
will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit
for me."

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, I
can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100
profit for me."

The New Jersey contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the
White House official and whispers, "$2,700." The official, incredulous,
says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with
such a high figure?"

The New Jersey contractor whispers back, "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and
we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."

"Done!" replies the government official. Food for Thought

- If you take an Oriental person and spin him around
several times, does he become disoriented?

- If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't
people from Holland called, "Holes"?

- If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia,
would you get a Phillip's Screwdriver?

- If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

- If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

- When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts,"
and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other
penny?

- Why is the man who invests all your money called a
broker?

- Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just
stale bread to begin with.

- Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist,
but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

- Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

- Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

- If horrific means to make horrible, doesn't terrific
mean to make terrible?

- Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?

- "I am." is reportedly the shortest sentence in the
English language. Could it be that "I Do." is the longest
sentence?

- Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

- Why is it that if someone tells you that there are
1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them,
but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will
have to touch it to be sure?

(in reply to robpost3)

Post #: 63

RE: Joke Thread - 7/10/2007 2:04:50 PM

PunkReaper

Posts: 1085
Joined: 8/23/2006
From: England
Status: offline

A man wakes up to noise in his garden. He looks out and sees a Gorilla in his tree. He rings the authorities and sure enough a man with a van arrives. He looks at the Gorilla in the tree, goes to his van and lifts out his equipment. Onto the grass he puts a ladder, a feather, a pair of handcuffs, a shotgun and his vicious looking dog. The house owner asks him what the unusual equipment is for? Well explains the man I am going to put the ladder next to the tree, climb up and tickle the gorilla with the feather. The gorilla with fall out of the tree where the dog will lunge for its testicles, when the gorilla puts his hands over his privates you slam the handcuffs on...job done. But what is the shotgun for asks the houseowner. Well if I fall out of the tree first shoot the dog!

(in reply to Jam_USMC)

Post #: 64

RE: Joke Thread - 7/10/2007 11:34:23 PM

JudgeDredd

Posts: 8573
Joined: 11/14/2003
From: Scotland
Status: offline

lol...I'm having a blast reading jokes I haven't heard before

_____________________________

Alba gu' brath

(in reply to PunkReaper)

Post #: 65

RE: Joke Thread - 7/15/2007 3:52:00 PM

Bungle

Posts: 79
Joined: 7/15/2007
From: Ipswich, Sunny Queensland
Status: offline

How many men does it take to change a toilet roll?

Nobody knows, its never been tried!

cheers
Bungle

(in reply to JudgeDredd)

Post #: 66

RE: Joke Thread - 7/15/2007 9:40:50 PM

mikemike

Posts: 501
Joined: 6/3/2004
From: a maze of twisty little passages, all different
Status: offline

A bar. Early evening. The barman is polishing a glass, when someone enters. The barman casually looks up, then jumps: the guy who has just come in and is leaning on the counter has a duck growing out of his forehead. The barman says cautiously, "Excuse me for asking, but what the heck is that?" And the duck answers, "Da***d if I know. It started off as a pimple on my a$$".

_____________________________

DON�T PANIC - IT�S ALL JUST ONES AND ZEROES!

(in reply to JudgeDredd)

Post #: 67