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RE: Timeshare opportunity - 6/19/2011 2:46:48 PM

Cap Mandrake

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That picture of smoke over Burma reminds of a story I heard about Lord Mountbottom. He had just arrived in the CBI to take command and he was flying over Burma in a command inspection when he spied a winding silver feature.

Lord Mountbottom: What river is that?

Aide: That's the Ledo Road, sir.

(in reply to sprior)

Post #: 4771

RE: Timeshare opportunity - 6/19/2011 3:36:27 PM

Cap Mandrake

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*********Sept. 3, 1942***********

The 4 US fleet carriers have arrived at Adelaide. Most likely, JJ does not know where our carriers are at this point. They are still patrolling heavily off western Oz with subs..or maybe it just seems that way because the ASW search assets are more robust there. The heavies are organizing at Alice (VII US Fighter Command..B-24's and a squadron of P-38's and some F-5's coming from Fiji) and Geraldton (VII US Bomber Commmand..B17E/F's and some P-38's operating from Geraldton)

The plan on Aldertag will be to sweep with the P-38's (from Marakesh over Port Headland and from Tennant over Wyndham) with concurrent attacks by the heavies from Geraldton and Alice. We will need decent weather at all 4 airfields and both targets and good recon and it will have to coordinate with the push off from Perth which is likely to be spotted by subs. There are no reserve P-38 squadrons so when they start to break down we might have to use the RAAF Beaufighters on sweep missions. I think we can beat up Port Headland airfield pretty badly before the ships arrive but JJ will probably move some aircraft to Broome. Wyndham has to be taken down a notch because of the potential Netty threat. We can't really do anything about the Timor airfields from Oz. And then there are the Jap carriers.

It should be quite a contest.

(in reply to Cap Mandrake)

Post #: 4772

RE: Timeshare opportunity - 6/19/2011 8:24:43 PM

Cap Mandrake

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I'm stuck at work on Father's day so I am going to waste company bandwith telling a story my brother in law told me on Easter.

Turns out he has a notoriously skinflint brother who asked to borrow the ski boat. That is a big thing to ask to borrow but out of fraternal obligation, T agreed to loan it for the day, but he warned his brother the battery was dead and he would have to replace it. They agreed.

Next time T takes out the boat, it is on the ramp with the boat on the trailer. He let's go the tie-down and the boat rolls off the trailer and back about 30 ft from shore. He puts in the key, turns it.....nothing...not even a click. "WTF...%$^#&#*#*@@" He opens the battery compartment and there are just two cables poking into empty air.

Turns out his brother had taken the old battery in, got the core rebate, bought a new battery...then...at the end of the day, he took the new battery out and took it back to the store to get his money back, claiming it was defective.

(in reply to Cap Mandrake)

Post #: 4773

RE: Timeshare opportunity - 6/19/2011 8:45:03 PM

Cap Mandrake

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This reminds me of another brother-in-law story (different brother in law). I believe the event was a spur of the moment bachelor party of sorts for my future brother in law "thrown" by his brothers at some divey place in Anaheim with beer at $12 a pitcher. I get there like 30 minutes late and it is already like a 3 year old birthday party where somebody spiked the punch with a veterinary anesthetic. One of his brothers is somewhere in the Van Allen belt but, amazingly, is still able to form complete sentences. He is dancing around and singing like a 3 year old on veterinary anesthetic...then he suddenly stops. "I'm not feeling so good", he says. I take a few steps back. He grabs a mostly empty pitcher of beer and, while standing, barfs until it is about half full, then he sets it down and immediately says, "Damn! That dinner was just as good the second time. I don't care what anyone says"

Then he grabs his beer glass and starts drinking again.

At the time I thought the joke was contemporaneous...but I now suspect he has canned lines ready for throwing up social occaisions.

< Message edited by Cap Mandrake -- 6/19/2011 8:46:09 PM >

(in reply to Cap Mandrake)

Post #: 4774

RE: Timeshare opportunity - 6/20/2011 6:46:19 PM

anarchyintheuk

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Canned lines sound like a practical idea. Reminds me of a college roomate who got to the point to where he would apologize to people prior to him starting drinking for what he was about to do whilst under the influence. He apologized in advance at a bachelor's party several years later, so it seems that canned lines are still on the cutting edge of linguistic skills.

(in reply to Cap Mandrake)

Post #: 4775

RE: Timeshare opportunity - 6/21/2011 4:51:51 PM

Cap Mandrake

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quote:

ORIGINAL: anarchyintheuk

Canned lines sound like a practical idea. Reminds me of a college roomate who got to the point to where he would apologize to people prior to him starting drinking for what he was about to do whilst under the influence. He apologized in advance at a bachelor's party several years later, so it seems that canned lines are still on the cutting edge of linguistic skills.

I have known people like that. "Instant ***hole, just add alcohol!"

Seems to me the trick to drinking alcohol and not waking up next to the boss's wife is to stay in the "light buzz window". This is that state of mild cerebral dysfunction associated with sociability and mirthmaking and harmless flirtation where one might still catch or even make a reference to some mythological figure (NB, loudly proclaiming, "To Bacchus!" while tossing back another round does NOT qualify). Any consumption which involves a timing device, the fulminating mixture of different alcoholic beverages, electromechanical devices to speed ingestion or the involvement of attractive young women with nice brestesses in the employ of the establishment in order to induce impulsive purchases is likely to end badly.

Now, if it is not a work party, there are no nuns in attendance and one can wait a bit to drive (or take a cab), then, with practice, one can safely move to the the "medium buzz" or even the "wawa zone" but then one must take a respite. These measures will safely avoid the beer goggle effect, amnesia, worshiping the porcelain throne and DUI's.

Of course, as with most athletic activities, conditioning and stretching are most important.

(in reply to anarchyintheuk)

Post #: 4776

RE: Timeshare opportunity - 6/21/2011 5:10:17 PM

Cap Mandrake

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*************Officer's Club, Suva, Sept. 3, 1942************

Man in fine linen slacks: Hey, Yossarian, let me pick your brain about a new product line idea.

Hirsute man now beginning to grow a beard: Will it hurt?

Man in fine linen slacks: Yossarian, you crazy SOB. It's just an expression.

Hirsute man now beginning to grow a beard: For most people, yes.

Man in fine linen slacks: Look, do you want to hear my idea or not?

Hirsute man now beginning to grow a beard: Do I have a choice?

Man in fine linen slacks: No. So, here is the deal. What mode of demise does life insurance NOT cover?

Hirsute man now beginning to grow a beard: MIA. My dad still has not got his check.

Man in fine linen slacks: No, no, no. I mean SUICIDE.

Hirsute man now beginning to grow a beard: Yeah, so?

Man in fine linen slacks: Well, that's my idea, suicide insurance.

Hirsute man now beginning to grow a beard: Why, you crazy SOB, there is a REASON suicide is excluded.

Man in fine linen slacks: Sure, sure, but I'm not talking about regular suicide insurance, I am talking about Hara-kiri insurance.

Hirsute man now beginning to grow a beard: Milo, that is the craziest ass thing I have ever heard you say. Who is going to buy something like that?

Man in fine linen slacks: Jap officers.

Hirsute man now beginning to grow a beard: The Allies are going on the offensive and you are going to sell Hara-kiri insurance to Jap officers? Maybe I am not quite grasping the business model.

To be continued

(in reply to Cap Mandrake)

Post #: 4777

RE: Timeshare opportunity - 6/21/2011 5:57:15 PM

anarchyintheuk

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Cap Mandrake

quote:

ORIGINAL: anarchyintheuk

Canned lines sound like a practical idea. Reminds me of a college roomate who got to the point to where he would apologize to people prior to him starting drinking for what he was about to do whilst under the influence. He apologized in advance at a bachelor's party several years later, so it seems that canned lines are still on the cutting edge of linguistic skills.

I have known people like that. "Instant ***hole, just add alcohol!"

Seems to me the trick to drinking alcohol and not waking up next to the boss's wife is to stay in the "light buzz window". This is that state of mild cerebral dysfunction associated with sociability and mirthmaking and harmless flirtation where one might still catch or even make a reference to some mythological figure (NB, loudly proclaiming, "To Bacchus!" while tossing back another round does NOT qualify). Any consumption which involves a timing device, the fulminating mixture of different alcoholic beverages, electromechanical devices to speed ingestion or the involvement of attractive young women with nice brestesses in the employ of the establishment in order to induce impulsive purchases is likely to end badly.

Now, if it is not a work party, there are no nuns in attendance and one can wait a bit to drive (or take a cab), then, with practice, one can safely move to the the "medium buzz" or even the "wawa zone" but then one must take a respite. These measures will safely avoid the beer goggle effect, amnesia, worshiping the porcelain throne and DUI's.

Of course, as with most athletic activities, conditioning and stretching are most important.

Don't forget pre-hydration.

I see a career for you in freshman orientation lectures.

(in reply to Cap Mandrake)

Post #: 4778

RE: Timeshare opportunity - 6/21/2011 6:00:10 PM

Cap Mandrake

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New neighbors up the street are putting in a pool and 900,000 BTU bar-b-q. I wave to them when they drive by in hopes of getting invited. Honestly, if the entire neighborhood got together and lit their unused 900,000 BTU bar-b-q's at once the Chicoms would probably have a false alarm for an ICBM launch.

Here is the deal. A couple moves in and the guy naturally wants a big backyard bar-b-q with rotiserie and a fridge and an outdoor fireplace with imported limestone...so they hire a contractor and he puts one in. The neighbor's get invited over once or twice..then...yada, yada, yada...he cheats on her or she cheats on him....yada, yada, yada...divorce...she gets the house and the bar-b-q is built in so it stays with the house. She gets mad and throws out all his bar-b-q tools and the thing sits idle for 20 or 30 years until she either gets dementia or dies. Then the kids sell the house and the new owner tears out the old bar-b-q because avocado colored tiles have come back in and the whole thing starts all over again.

It is quite sad, really. Never, EVER install a built-in bar-b-q.

(in reply to Cap Mandrake)

Post #: 4779

RE: Timeshare opportunity - 6/21/2011 6:19:32 PM

Chickenboy

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Cap Mandrake
Of course, as with most athletic activities, conditioning and stretching are most important.

I'm sorry, but what exactly are we stretching here and what does my boss' wife have to do with this?

_____________________________

(in reply to Cap Mandrake)

Post #: 4780

RE: Timeshare opportunity - 6/21/2011 6:22:41 PM

Cap Mandrake

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quote:

ORIGINAL: anarchyintheuk

Don't forget pre-hydration.

I see a career for you in freshman orientation lectures.

"Pre-hydration"

That is so funny because you just reminded me that is Stalker Girl's theory. Technically, it is more one of "contemporaneous hydration". She always orders ice water with her adult beverage.

Me: What the Hell is the deal with ice water?

SG: I always order ice water. Never had a DUI either.

Me: That isn't going to work. Do you realize what your circulating blood volume is? The dilutional effect will be trivial.

SG: No, no, no, you stupid SOB. It's to slow down the drinking of the alcohol.

I had to admit it might actually work....a sort of "competitive inhibition".

(in reply to anarchyintheuk)

Post #: 4781

RE: Timeshare opportunity - 6/21/2011 6:24:52 PM

Cap Mandrake

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Chickenboy

quote:

ORIGINAL: Cap Mandrake
Of course, as with most athletic activities, conditioning and stretching are most important.

I'm sorry, but what exactly are we stretching here and what does my boss' wife have to do with this?

I think you need to take the remedial class.

(in reply to Chickenboy)

Post #: 4782

RE: Timeshare opportunity - 6/21/2011 6:26:27 PM

Chickenboy

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Cap Mandrake

quote:

ORIGINAL: anarchyintheuk

Don't forget pre-hydration.

I see a career for you in freshman orientation lectures.

"Pre-hydration" That is so funny because you just reminded me that is Stalker Girl's theory. Technically, it is more one of "contemporaneous hydration". She always orders ice water with her adult beverage.

Me: What the Hell is the deal with ice water?

SG: I always order ice water. Never had a DUI either.

Me: That isn't going to work. Do you realize what your circulating blood volume is? The dilutional effect will be trivial.

SG: No, no, no, you stupid SOB. It's to slow down the drinking of the alcohol.

I had to admit it might actually work....a sort of "competitive inhibition".

Stalker girl is right. Ice water in one hand. Irish whiskey (neat) in the other. Don't drink the latter for hydration purposes or to slake thirst. Don't drink the former for enjoyment or socializing. But put the two...two...two great tastes together to form one? Now you're talking.

_____________________________

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Post #: 4783

RE: Timeshare opportunity - 6/21/2011 6:27:30 PM

Cap Mandrake

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The guy driving the port-a-potty pumper truck just drove up to the neighbor's house with the construction and the port-a-potty out front.

Did you ever wonder what the want ad for that job would say?

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Post #: 4784

RE: Timeshare opportunity - 6/21/2011 6:40:00 PM

Chickenboy

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Cap Mandrake

The guy driving the port-a-potty pumper truck just drove up to the neighbor's house with the construction and the port-a-potty out front.

Did you ever wonder what the want ad for that job would say?

Sanitation Engineer: Be part of a vibrant team as a domestic sanitation engineer. PhD sociologists, Medieval studies majors particularly suited. Decerebrates welcome. Experience in politics a plus. Domestic travel required. Salary commensurate with experience. Attractive benefits package...yada yada yada...

_____________________________

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Post #: 4785

RE: Timeshare opportunity - 6/22/2011 10:29:09 AM

Reg

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Seen this movie??

Kenny

_____________________________

Cheers,
Reg.

(One day I will learn to spell - or check before posting....)
Uh oh, Firefox has a spell checker!! What excuse can I use now!!!

(in reply to Chickenboy)

Post #: 4786

RE: Timeshare opportunity - 6/22/2011 12:38:28 PM

sprior

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Kandy House, Ceylon

(Phone rings)

Miss Fay Dingway: SEAC Headquarters, Kandy House, Miss Fay dingway speaking, how... no sir, I have to... no, please let me finish... sir... please... thank you... how may I help you? Yes, he is one moment please. (presses button) Simon, phone for you.

Admiral Lord Sprior VD, Scab, Scar and Bar (our hero): Miss Dingway, How many times must I tell you? It's "sir" or "admiral" when we're at the office. You never know when ffiona might be here for tiffin. What is it?

Miss FD: Sir, it's a Mr Churchy on the phone. I think he's a bit tiddly.

ALS: Mr Churchy, I don't know a Mr Churchy. Are you sure?

FD: Yes.. sir.

ALS: Do you mean Mr Churchill? Put him through woman. (thinks: she's going to have to go. But those legs...) My dear Winnie, soo good to hear from you... yes, yes the ointment worked fine... yes, Miss Dingwaty too... and ffiona... yes, yes you have sent us a lot of troops and ships... yes, some planes too... What are they doing? Well, they're training... these Japs are damned cunning you know, you'd think they'd been planning this war for years... yes, yes I know the 8th Army want the Aussies back but they bloody well can't have them... yes and you can tell Curtin to get stuffed too... they're in Perth... no Perth... no, south west Australia... remember I told you about Operation Otter... yes, yes, soon. Good bye.

Git.

< Message edited by sprior -- 6/22/2011 12:40:37 PM >

_____________________________

"Grown ups are what's left when skool is finished."
"History started badly and hav been geting steadily worse."
- Nigel Molesworth.

(in reply to Reg)

Post #: 4787

RE: Timeshare opportunity - 6/22/2011 2:43:32 PM

Cap Mandrake

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"our hero"

Overall, I would say you handled it well but do you think it wise to tell the PM of Australia to "stuff it"...I'm just asking. Still, the us vs. them thing could be good for morale. Also, I think you threw him off his game as he evidently forgot to ask for one of the Adjective carriers back. Splendid!

Now, as to Miss Dingway, are you really going to let her go because she mishandled the PM's name? Couldn't you get some flash cards or something?

Lastly, is "tiddly" a good thing or a bad thing?

(in reply to sprior)

Post #: 4788

RE: Timeshare opportunity - 6/22/2011 2:52:23 PM

sprior

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tiddly1
adj -dlier, -dliest
Brit small; tiny
[childish variant of little]
tiddly2
adj -dlier, -dliest
Slang chiefly Brit slightly drunk

Also RN slang, tidy, neat.

_____________________________

"Grown ups are what's left when skool is finished."
"History started badly and hav been geting steadily worse."
- Nigel Molesworth.

(in reply to Cap Mandrake)

Post #: 4789

RE: Timeshare opportunity - 6/22/2011 2:58:27 PM

sprior

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quote:

Now, as to Miss Dingway, are you really going to let her go because she mishandled the PM's name?

Not with those legs.

_____________________________

"Grown ups are what's left when skool is finished."
"History started badly and hav been geting steadily worse."
- Nigel Molesworth.

(in reply to Cap Mandrake)

Post #: 4790

RE: Timeshare opportunity - 6/24/2011 1:32:49 PM

sprior

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Kandy House, Ceylon

(Phone rings)

Miss Fay Dingway: SEAC Headquarters, Kandy House, Miss Fay dingway speaking, how... no sir, I have to... no, please let me finish... sir... please... thank you... how may I help you? Yes, he is one moment please. (presses button) Si.. er Admiral, phone for you.

Admiral Lord Sprior VD, Scab, Scar and Bar (our hero): Thank you Miss Dingway.

Winston Churchill (for it is he): Prior, you old scrote, how's things going? Any intel on Java or Sumatra yet? Recon, force dispositions, that kind of thng?

ALS: (Sighs) Not, not yet PM

WC: We've come up with a wizz-bang idea over here and our intel type chappies have asked for photos of the European coast from holiday makers and whatnot. Have you thought of that?

ALS: Actually, no. Sounds like a damned good idea. ffiona was in the Dutch East Indies just least year.

WC: Djokarta?

ALS: No, she went by boat

_____________________________

"Grown ups are what's left when skool is finished."
"History started badly and hav been geting steadily worse."
- Nigel Molesworth.

(in reply to sprior)

Post #: 4791

RE: Timeshare opportunity - 6/24/2011 3:36:15 PM

Cap Mandrake

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*****Cocktail Party, Georgetown (the one near Washington not the one in Malaya), Sept.4, 1942*****

Admiral King, Commander-in-Chief, United States Fleet: Why, Royal! How are things in Norfolk?

Rear Admiral Royal E. Ingersoll, CIC, Atlantic Fleet: A bit stifling this time of year but fortunately, there is the Caribbean Squadron to inspect. Just got back with the misses last week. White sand, sea breezes, delightful.

Admiral King, Commander-in-Chief, United States Fleet: oh really, Jamaica?

Rear Admiral Royal E. Ingersoll, CIC, Atlantic Fleet: Nah..she wanted to go.

(in reply to Cap Mandrake)

Post #: 4792

RE: Timeshare opportunity - 6/24/2011 9:39:26 PM

Cap Mandrake

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Also, I have this question:

Is a "scrote" a good thing to be?

Perhaps it is some kind of patrician term of endearment but my first reaction would be one of alarm.

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Post #: 4793

RE: Timeshare opportunity - 6/24/2011 9:44:02 PM

sprior

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Scrote? Um, no.

_____________________________

"Grown ups are what's left when skool is finished."
"History started badly and hav been geting steadily worse."
- Nigel Molesworth.

(in reply to Cap Mandrake)

Post #: 4794

RE: Timeshare opportunity - 6/24/2011 9:59:55 PM

anarchyintheuk

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Good thing to have tho.

(in reply to sprior)

Post #: 4795

RE: Timeshare opportunity - 6/24/2011 10:03:32 PM

sprior

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True dit:

Trevor: What's a scrotum?
Me: A bag for your nuts
Trevor to NAAFI barmaid: Two pints and a scrotum of nuts please.

_____________________________

"Grown ups are what's left when skool is finished."
"History started badly and hav been geting steadily worse."
- Nigel Molesworth.

(in reply to anarchyintheuk)

Post #: 4796

RE: Timeshare opportunity - 6/24/2011 10:09:22 PM

anarchyintheuk

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My boss enjoyed the explanation of why I was laughing so loud.

I've never thought of a scrotum as a unit of measurement.

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Post #: 4797

RE: Timeshare opportunity - 6/24/2011 10:23:30 PM

Cap Mandrake

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Right...that was my suspicion. Just because he lives at No. 10 is no reason to treat you like that?

Why don't we have something bad happen to him?

I do, however, like tourist recon idea. Right now we are in the dark. Maybe if Daly ever builds up to level 2 we can put some F5's there for a few days...nah...never mind...we don't have enough supply for drop tanks.

Let's just get some cheap cameras for the tourists and see how that goes.

(in reply to anarchyintheuk)

Post #: 4798

RE: Timeshare opportunity - 6/25/2011 2:44:26 PM

Cap Mandrake

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*************SWPAC HQ, Brisbane, Sept. 4, 1942**********

Aide: Here is the new intel report on Soerabaja, sir.

Gen. MacArthur: Soerabaja? How on Earth did you get that? I just heard about the new tourist recruitment thing this morning.

Aide: No sir, the tourist recruitment idea will take a bit to get off the ground. This is a private contracter...<looks at notes> ..a certain M&M Enterprises, Recon Division. They are based out of Fiji.

Gen. MacArthur: <looks at paper> Hmmm...8 carriers, 7 battleships, 24 crusiers, 65 destroyers, 22 submarines, 180 Bettys, 220 Tojo fighters, 4 squadrons long range naval search..looks like the Imperial Guard division is there twice along with the Empire of Japan 1942 Boy Scouts Jamboree. These estimates seems rather ....robust....is this credible?

Aide: Yes sir. I thought the same thing so I checked into it. It seems the contractor had some trouble with the Javanese. They hate the Japanese but they still hate the Dutch too.

Gen. MacArthur: And we are allied with the Dutch..

Aide: Precisely, sir! So they needed a bit of coaxing.

Gen. MacArthur: Coaxing?

Aide: Yes sir. The reports are commission-based.

Gen. MacArthur: Commission-based? <he furrows his brow for a second..then seems to get it> Ah yes, I see your point. So it appears there may be a bit of a bias toward over-reporting?

Aide: Splendidly put, sir.

Gen. MacArthur: Yes, I do fear we may be like McClellan in the Peninsular Campaign, but let's distribute this with the over-reporting bias warning.

Aide: Yes sir.

Gen. MacArthur: And Colonel, check with this contractor. See if we can hire them to provide intel on OUR forces to the Japs...

(in reply to Cap Mandrake)

Post #: 4799

Lost opportunities.... - 6/25/2011 3:53:24 PM

Cap Mandrake

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I found an unopened bottle in the tree row of my yard when I was walking the dogs this AM. It was still in the liquor store brown bag. The contents were the color of Windex. It read..."UV Blue Bombsickle: One part UV Blue, three parts lemonade". On the other side it read "UV Blue Raspberry Flavored Vodka"

Roger that, a raspberry flavored vodka mixed with blue food coloring (or Windex) and lemonade.

So I am thinking, who would buy something like that? Gotta be a teenager...probably trying to get his girlfriend or date drunk. And then I begin to reconstruct the kid's night. He goes to the liquor store with his older brother's ID and his hoarded lunch money and he SCORES!. Bingo! He is 2/3rd the way there! He's got the Escalade for the night. He's got himself a bottle of UV Blue Bombsickle, some plastic cups and maybe even some ice. He's got a Hip Hop "tune" cranked up on the amplifier and the bass turned way up so his doors and windows oscillate at about 40 hz. This is IT man!

Then he forgets to signal or perhaps he is going a bit fast or talking on his cell and he hears that sickening "WHOOOP" sound from behind. He barely avoids a bowel accident, but thinking quickly the passenger side window is down in a flash and the Bombsickle is out into the rosemary plants. His dreams are on hold, but perhaps he can salvage the night. His heart is pounding. His grifriend is white with terror. The Deputy approaches the window. It turns out it is only the trailer hitch blocking the license plate (this is a favorite trick of the Sheriffs to pull over teens just to be ass holes

) All is saved! He accidentally hands over his older brother's ID.

DOH!

(in reply to Cap Mandrake)

Post #: 4800