Slitherine

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*************Officer's Club, Suva, Sept. 3, 1942************

(Cont. from 4777)

Man in fine linen slacks: Hey, Yossarian, let me pick your brain about a new product line idea.

Hirsute man now beginning to grow a beard: Will it hurt?

Man in fine linen slacks: Yossarian, you crazy SOB. It's just an expression.

Hirsute man now beginning to grow a beard: For most people, yes.

Man in fine linen slacks: Look, do you want to hear my idea or not?

Hirsute man now beginning to grow a beard: Do I have a choice?

Man in fine linen slacks: No. So, here is the deal. What mode of demise does life insurance NOT cover?

Hirsute man now beginning to grow a beard: MIA. My dad still has not got his check.

Man in fine linen slacks: No, no, no. I mean SUICIDE.

Hirsute man now beginning to grow a beard: Yeah, so?

Man in fine linen slacks: Well, that's my idea, suicide insurance.

Hirsute man now beginning to grow a beard: Why, you crazy SOB, there is a REASON suicide is excluded.

Man in fine linen slacks: Sure, sure, but I'm not talking about regular suicide insurance, I am talking about Hara-kiri insurance.

Hirsute man now beginning to grow a beard: Milo, that is the craziest ass thing I have ever heard you say. Who is going to buy something like that?

Man in fine linen slacks: Jap officers.

Hirsute man now beginning to grow a beard: The Allies are going on the offensive and you are going to sell Hara-kiri insurance to Jap officers? Maybe I am not quite grasping the business model.

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ORIGINAL: Cap Mandrake

Arrgh...2nd page.


We are in rimbo as Rord Admirar Nerson had to evacuate from a forest fire.

But I do need some advice. As employers of several hundred employees now, we are keen to avoid sexual harrassment lawsuits. We had the HR experts come in and give a talk. As a consequence, I have stopped showing my staff the video links and jokes my brother-in-law and his crazy dentist friends send me. Evidently, however, not everyone got the message. We had to issue strict costume guidelines for Halloween as we had a number of abnormal EKG readings on male patients when the medical assistant with the ample bosom up in Diagnostics wore this ridiculous french maid outfit.

Lately, it seems, we have embarked on a strategy of hiring ONLY the unattractive. You would think this would just stamp it out..like throwing water on the coals...but it really doesn't. Unattractive people STILL complain about being hit on by other unattractive people. I have to assume there is some kind of secret stratification among the unattractive that cannot be perceived by others. One idea I had was to hire progressively more attractive supervisors with increasing rank. That way, people would be less likely to complain if their boss showed interest in them. The problem is by the time you get to nursing director you would have to hire Heidi Klum and then there is guaranteed to be a problem with the wives of the male doctors.

I'm afraid there may be no solution.....except for Dick the Butcher's idea.

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ORIGINAL: anarchyintheuk

You'd have to serve appetizers . . . . it would reinforce to the potential customer that he/she has no control over their intake. It's only good business to use guilt as a tool. Look at how catholicism has taken off. I'd order about 5/person, there's always someone who will Constanza the wings, plus left overs are tasty. Make sure your defribrilator is fully charged.

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ORIGINAL: Cap Mandrake

Heard an ad for "bariatric surgery" (stomach banding for the morbidly obese). The announcer proclaimed it was covered by most insurances then announced, "Come join us for a reception and have your questions answered"


I was wondering, does one serve appetizers at a reception for 350 lb people? If you were catering that how many buffalo wings would you order?

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ORIGINAL: Cap Mandrake

New neighbors up the street are putting in a pool and 900,000 BTU bar-b-q. I wave to them when they drive by in hopes of getting invited. Honestly, if the entire neighborhood got together and lit their unused 900,000 BTU bar-b-q's at once the Chicoms would probably have a false alarm for an ICBM launch.

Here is the deal. A couple moves in and the guy naturally wants a big backyard bar-b-q with rotiserie and a fridge and an outdoor fireplace with imported limestone...so they hire a contractor and he puts one in. The neighbor's get invited over once or twice..then...yada, yada, yada...he cheats on her or she cheats on him....yada, yada, yada...divorce...she gets the house and the bar-b-q is built in so it stays with the house. She gets mad and throws out all his bar-b-q tools and the thing sits idle for 20 or 30 years until she either gets dementia or dies. Then the kids sell the house and the new owner tears out the old bar-b-q because avocado colored tiles have come back in and the whole thing starts all over again.

It is quite sad, really. Never, EVER install a built-in bar-b-q.

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ORIGINAL: Cap Mandrake

Arrgh...2nd page.


We are in rimbo as Rord Admirar Nerson had to evacuate from a forest fire.

But I do need some advice. As employers of several hundred employees now, we are keen to avoid sexual harrassment lawsuits. We had the HR experts come in and give a talk. As a consequence, I have stopped showing my staff the video links and jokes my brother-in-law and his crazy dentist friends send me. Evidently, however, not everyone got the message. We had to issue strict costume guidelines for Halloween as we had a number of abnormal EKG readings on male patients when the medical assistant with the ample bosom up in Diagnostics wore this ridiculous french maid outfit.

Lately, it seems, we have embarked on a strategy of hiring ONLY the unattractive. You would think this would just stamp it out..like throwing water on the coals...but it really doesn't. Unattractive people STILL complain about being hit on by other unattractive people. I have to assume there is some kind of secret stratification among the unattractive that cannot be perceived by others. One idea I had was to hire progressively more attractive supervisors with increasing rank. That way, people would be less likely to complain if their boss showed interest in them. The problem is by the time you get to nursing director you would have to hire Heidi Klum and then there is guaranteed to be a problem with the wives of the male doctors.

I'm afraid there may be no solution.....except for Dick the Butcher's idea.

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ORIGINAL: jeffk3510

A scrotum as a unit of measurement... this AAR never fails to delight.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Cap Mandrake

Arrgh...2nd page.


We are in rimbo as Rord Admirar Nerson had to evacuate from a forest fire.

But I do need some advice. As employers of several hundred employees now, we are keen to avoid sexual harrassment lawsuits. We had the HR experts come in and give a talk. As a consequence, I have stopped showing my staff the video links and jokes my brother-in-law and his crazy dentist friends send me. Evidently, however, not everyone got the message. We had to issue strict costume guidelines for Halloween as we had a number of abnormal EKG readings on male patients when the medical assistant with the ample bosom up in Diagnostics wore this ridiculous french maid outfit.

Lately, it seems, we have embarked on a strategy of hiring ONLY the unattractive. You would think this would just stamp it out..like throwing water on the coals...but it really doesn't. Unattractive people STILL complain about being hit on by other unattractive people. I have to assume there is some kind of secret stratification among the unattractive that cannot be perceived by others. One idea I had was to hire progressively more attractive supervisors with increasing rank. That way, people would be less likely to complain if their boss showed interest in them. The problem is by the time you get to nursing director you would have to hire Heidi Klum and then there is guaranteed to be a problem with the wives of the male doctors.

I'm afraid there may be no solution.....except for Dick the Butcher's idea.

Kirk Lazarus: I know who I am. I'm the dude playin' the dude, disguised as another dude!
Ron Swanson: Clear alcohols are for rich women on diets.

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ORIGINAL: Kwik E Mart

...oddly enough, a certain randy newman song comes to mind...

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(btw, every time i throw water on coals, a billowing, choking cloud of smoke erupts from the fire pit...)

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ORIGINAL: Reg

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ORIGINAL: jeffk3510

A scrotum as a unit of measurement... this AAR never fails to delight.

Have other uses as well: Scrotum Gift Shop

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ORIGINAL: anarchyintheuk
It's only good business to use guilt as a tool. Look at how catholicism has taken off.

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But I do need some advice. As employers of several hundred employees now, we are keen to avoid sexual harrassment lawsuits. We had the erectile dysfunction experts come in and give a talk. As a consequence, I have stopped showing my staff and telling jokes my brother-in-law and his crazy proctologist friends send me. Evidently, however, not everyone got the massage . We had to issue strict costume guidelines for Halloween as we had a number of flag raising incidents with male patients when the medical assistant with the huge bombs up in Diagnostics wore this ridiculous bit of nothing.

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ORIGINAL: Mynok

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But I do need some advice. As employers of several hundred employees now, we are keen to avoid sexual harrassment lawsuits. We had the erectile dysfunction experts come in and give a talk. As a consequence, I have stopped showing my staff and telling jokes my brother-in-law and his crazy proctologist friends send me. Evidently, however, not everyone got the massage . We had to issue strict costume guidelines for Halloween as we had a number of flag raising incidents with male patients when the medical assistant with the huge bombs up in Diagnostics wore this ridiculous bit of nothing.

That's what you really wrote, isn't it?

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ORIGINAL: Cap Mandrake


I asked her for samples to treat premature infants with pulmonary hypertension (it might physiologically actually work for this). She laughed but did not give me any samples. The food wasn't very good either.

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ORIGINAL: rtrapasso

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ORIGINAL: Cap Mandrake


I asked her for samples to treat premature infants with pulmonary hypertension (it might physiologically actually work for this). She laughed but did not give me any samples. The food wasn't very good either.

The Children!! Somebody think of the Children!!!

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ORIGINAL: Cap Mandrake

Cucarachas in the Coral Sea...again. Where is the number for that exterminator again?

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ORIGINAL: Cap Mandrake

Cucarachas in the Coral Sea...again. Where is the number for that exterminator again?

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ORIGINAL: Mynok


It's ok. You've had a bit much Mandrake root. It will wear off.

Until next time.

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ORIGINAL: Cap Mandrake

So Stalker Girl is up visiting her sister in Idaho and taking her adoptive mom on a road trip "before she dies"...that is what she actually said. It is quite a noble act. She is not buttering her up for the will or anything...she just feels an obligation. Obligation, it turns out, is exactly the right word. She has a million medical problems. In Harrison's Textbook of Internal Medicine, the only section that doens't apply to her is Chagas Disease (crazy South American parasite). Amazingly, she has her own teeth. The only problem is they lost their attachment to the bones in her face 5 years ago. They are now removable. Yes, I said "removable". She has kept the space in her gums open by putting the exfoliated teeth back into their holes manually. She takes them out to eat or sleep, lest they be swallowed. God only knows how many times they have made the circuit, only to be rinsed off and reinserted.

Anyway, so Stalker Girl calls me from Morro Bay and I can hear her mom say in the background, "I am going to have a BM today", like it's a freakin' shuttle launch or something

But really that's not why I brough this up. The salient point is that SG is out of town. So Tuesday night I am out front talking to Mandrake Jr. and the neighbor 3 doors up is walking toward my house in some house robe and slippers and socks. She waves. I wave back out of obligation and turn back toward Mandrake Jr. hoping she goes away. She doesn't.

"HEY MANDRAKE! Come here."

There is really no way out. I can't even pretend I don't hear her because Mandrake Jr. is pointing. She is a widow and she is about my age and she probably knows SG is ot of town. Last time I talked to her was at the Viking Longboat Ceremony and she was completely pickled even before she showed up. This could go badly.

I tell Mandrake Jr., "Look, call me in about 15 minutes, OK?" I head up and we talk for a few. She is entirely pickled but the process has come too late. My mom looks younger than her.

"I don't have many male suitors", she says.

"Holy ****", I think to myself.

She insists I come in for some wine. I suggest I need to feed the dogs.

"You shouldn't det the logs run things". She seems completley clueless that consonants are jumping back and forth

<To be continued>