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RE: Lost opportunities.... - 7/1/2011 2:07:34 PM

Chickenboy

Posts: 24520
Joined: 6/29/2002
From: San Antonio, TX
Status: offline

(sigh) So much for any tournament turns today what with the new toy and all...

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(in reply to DTurtle)

Post #: 4831

RE: Lost opportunities.... - 7/1/2011 2:36:58 PM

witpqs

Posts: 26087
Joined: 10/4/2004
From: Argleton
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Cap Mandrake

So Stalker Girl is up visiting her sister in Idaho and taking her adoptive mom on a road trip "before she dies"...that is what she actually said. It is quite a noble act. She is not buttering her up for the will or anything...she just feels an obligation. Obligation, it turns out, is exactly the right word. She has a million medical problems. In Harrison's Textbook of Internal Medicine, the only section that doens't apply to her is Chagas Disease (crazy South American parasite). Amazingly, she has her own teeth. The only problem is they lost their attachment to the bones in her face 5 years ago. They are now removable. Yes, I said "removable". She has kept the space in her gums open by putting the exfoliated teeth back into their holes manually. She takes them out to eat or sleep, lest they be swallowed. God only knows how many times they have made the circuit, only to be rinsed off and reinserted.

Anyway, so Stalker Girl calls me from Morro Bay and I can hear her mom say in the background, "I am going to have a BM today", like it's a freakin' shuttle launch or something

But really that's not why I brough this up. The salient point is that SG is out of town. So Tuesday night I am out front talking to Mandrake Jr. and the neighbor 3 doors up is walking toward my house in some house robe and slippers and socks. She waves. I wave back out of obligation and turn back toward Mandrake Jr. hoping she goes away. She doesn't.

"HEY MANDRAKE! Come here."

There is really no way out. I can't even pretend I don't hear her because Mandrake Jr. is pointing. She is a widow and she is about my age and she probably knows SG is ot of town. Last time I talked to her was at the Viking Longboat Ceremony and she was completely pickled even before she showed up. This could go badly.

I tell Mandrake Jr., "Look, call me in about 15 minutes, OK?" I head up and we talk for a few. She is entirely pickled but the process has come too late. My mom looks younger than her.

"I don't have many male suitors", she says.

"Holy ****", I think to myself.

She insists I come in for some wine. I suggest I need to feed the dogs.

"You shouldn't det the logs run things". She seems completley clueless that consonants are jumping back and forth

<To be continued>

...and Mandrake cleverly escapes by strategically announcing "I'm going to have a BM today!"

(in reply to Cap Mandrake)

Post #: 4832

RE: Lost opportunities.... - 7/1/2011 3:58:25 PM

Chickenboy

Posts: 24520
Joined: 6/29/2002
From: San Antonio, TX
Status: offline

I forgot to advise the Cap'n to avoid Shar-Pei lycanthropes in his amorous rounds. Nothin' but trouble.

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(in reply to witpqs)

Post #: 4833

RE: Lost opportunities.... - 7/1/2011 8:18:54 PM

rtrapasso

Posts: 22653
Joined: 9/3/2002
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: witpqs

quote:

ORIGINAL: Cap Mandrake

So Stalker Girl is up visiting her sister in Idaho and taking her adoptive mom on a road trip "before she dies"...that is what she actually said. It is quite a noble act. She is not buttering her up for the will or anything...she just feels an obligation. Obligation, it turns out, is exactly the right word. She has a million medical problems. In Harrison's Textbook of Internal Medicine, the only section that doens't apply to her is Chagas Disease (crazy South American parasite). Amazingly, she has her own teeth. The only problem is they lost their attachment to the bones in her face 5 years ago. They are now removable. Yes, I said "removable". She has kept the space in her gums open by putting the exfoliated teeth back into their holes manually. She takes them out to eat or sleep, lest they be swallowed. God only knows how many times they have made the circuit, only to be rinsed off and reinserted.

Anyway, so Stalker Girl calls me from Morro Bay and I can hear her mom say in the background, "I am going to have a BM today", like it's a freakin' shuttle launch or something

But really that's not why I brough this up. The salient point is that SG is out of town. So Tuesday night I am out front talking to Mandrake Jr. and the neighbor 3 doors up is walking toward my house in some house robe and slippers and socks. She waves. I wave back out of obligation and turn back toward Mandrake Jr. hoping she goes away. She doesn't.

"HEY MANDRAKE! Come here."

There is really no way out. I can't even pretend I don't hear her because Mandrake Jr. is pointing. She is a widow and she is about my age and she probably knows SG is ot of town. Last time I talked to her was at the Viking Longboat Ceremony and she was completely pickled even before she showed up. This could go badly.

I tell Mandrake Jr., "Look, call me in about 15 minutes, OK?" I head up and we talk for a few. She is entirely pickled but the process has come too late. My mom looks younger than her.

"I don't have many male suitors", she says.

"Holy ****", I think to myself.

She insists I come in for some wine. I suggest I need to feed the dogs.

"You shouldn't det the logs run things". She seems completley clueless that consonants are jumping back and forth

<To be continued>

...and Mandrake cleverly escapes by strategically announcing "I'm going to have a BM today!"

No, she probably would have replied "Is there any way i can help?"

(in reply to witpqs)

Post #: 4834

RE: Lost opportunities.... - 7/1/2011 9:17:30 PM

witpqs

Posts: 26087
Joined: 10/4/2004
From: Argleton
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Oh that's nasty. I'm going back to something pleasant, like skinning road kill.

(in reply to rtrapasso)

Post #: 4835

RE: Lost opportunities.... - 7/1/2011 9:21:14 PM

Chickenboy

Posts: 24520
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From: San Antonio, TX
Status: offline

I know...making it with a drunk woman in a bathroom. So icky. Who the hell does he think he is, Ben Roethlisberger?

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Post #: 4836

RE: Lost opportunities.... - 7/1/2011 9:22:43 PM

Chickenboy

Posts: 24520
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From: San Antonio, TX
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quote:

ORIGINAL: witpqs

Oh that's nasty. I'm going back to something pleasant, like skinning road kill.

Which reminds me-why did the elephant cross the road?

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Post #: 4837

RE: Lost opportunities.... - 7/1/2011 9:33:22 PM

witpqs

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From: Argleton
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Umm, I dunno.

(in reply to Chickenboy)

Post #: 4838

RE: Lost opportunities.... - 7/2/2011 7:32:26 PM

Cap Mandrake

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From: Southern California
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DTurtle

His bathroom break was going too long so he got interrupted for some more quality time.

I fear there may have been a misunderstanding. This is not Wisteria Lane and Old Widda' Smith is definitely NOT Eva Longoria.

Here is the deal. The "parent" organization sent me to this self-improvement, self-actualization, spiritual, be a better manager conference type thingy...you know lots of touchy feely, sharing, reflection..that kind of thing.

The take home message seemed to be, "Stop being such a selfish, narcissistic, inconsiderate ***hole and try thinking about someone else for a change before you drop dead and your family donates your body to science so they don't have to pay the cremation charges you clueless, knuckle-dragging Neanderthal."

I am trying to implement the suggestions they made. It's just not easy.

The old me would have waved at Old Widda' Smith and squinted like I couldn't see that far then sprinted for the house..but this is the new me, the empathetic one. Anyway, I can see she is pleased to have a human being to talk too, especially a serious hunk of manhood like me. We talked in the street for a bit and then she invited me in for some wine. I did try the BM excuse. I told her my dog Pinhead would probably **** on the carpet if I didn't take her for a walk. She would not give up. It was either go to her place for a glass of wine or she was going to follow me into my house. I had no choice. I decided to let her reel me in and say a prayer it was "catch and release".

I had forgotten how nice her house is. The kitchen is mahogany with inlaid birch or something. There are custom turned and carved mahogany newel posts in the center island and the countertops are 2 inch thick granite, the edges of which are not bull-nosed or beveled but have a rough surface with no tool marks like they found an 8x12 foot rectangular column of granite somewhere and took big slice out of it. The rain gutters are custom fabricated copper with hand soldered joints and the elbows were pounded out by hand at the site to make the proper curves. Her former husband never went to college but made a ton of money (many dozens of millions I am sure) on monthly storage facilities. These are places where Americans put the crap they don't want anymore and didn't really need in the first place (which they purchased with money they didn't have but instead borrowed against their home equity which they don't have anymore either).*

Oh yeah, I almost forgot, there is also a 900,000 BTU grill out back that has not been used in 5 years. I was reminded of the male character in Tom Wolfe's A Man in Full who hooks up with an older woman with a big house in Buckhead so he doesn't have to work any more.

She poured me some wine and announced, "I have a coktail going".

"No kidding?" I just thought that. I didn't really say that out loud.

She told me about how she didn't trust her "male suitors" because she had more money than they did.

"Duh!" I didn't really say that either. I was practicing my listening skills. She told me about how she found her husband blue and cold after he took half a bottle of opiates and drank two whole bottles of Scotch. It seems they were separated but "hooked up" again for the night. That is what she said, "hooked up".

I am thinking to myself, "Holy crap! What was I thinking? I should just go back to being a self-centered ***hole. This empathy **** is killing me. I'm just no good at it." She reached over and touched my hand. It might have just been a neighborly, friendly gesture...but I doubt it. "Come on Mandrake Jr. Make the call. Make the call now!"

Just then the phone rings. Now, I know you are going to think I am just making all this crap up, but really, it was Mandrake Jr., seriously. "Daaa...aaad, what are you dooooing?"

I have never been more proud of her.

* This may be a run on sentence.

< Message edited by Cap Mandrake -- 7/2/2011 8:52:23 PM >

(in reply to DTurtle)

Post #: 4839

RE: Lost opportunities.... - 7/2/2011 9:04:40 PM

Cap Mandrake

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From: Southern California
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Chickenboy

quote:

ORIGINAL: Cap Mandrake

Cucarachas in the Coral Sea...again. Where is the number for that exterminator again?

Your "estimations of their intentions"? What is this, some sort of strategy game AAR or something? On with the fart jokes, dammit!

Admiral Lord Sprior! Admiral Lord Sprior! They are making fun of us again...or at least me.

**********************Sep. 6, 1942*******************

The Jap carriers did move West and have arrived off Rossell Is. The transports were attacked by a sub, by Hudsons and Beaughfighters and B-17's and LB-30's. The anchovy population in the area has now been severely depleted. Two bombs from B-17's actually struck two AK's. The transports are said now to be heading SE and I dont beleive they could have possibly unloaded. Apparently there was a bit of an mutiny among the AK crews.

B-17's moving to Gerladton. B-24's resting up at Alice.

SouthPac: JJ is either evacuating or supplying/reinforcing Tanna. Long range B-17 attacks from Suva don't hit anything. Three more infantry regiments (2 USMC and 1 Army ) will arrive Suva next 5-6 d. they will then move to Nadi and we will try again to get 1:1 attack odds. Relentless, though not very damaging, attacks by medium bombers and fighters continue at Nadi. If the three new regiments don't do the job then the LYB's can just camp out in the jungle until the war is over.

< Message edited by Cap Mandrake -- 7/2/2011 9:09:43 PM >

(in reply to Chickenboy)

Post #: 4840

RE: Lost opportunities.... - 7/5/2011 6:12:52 AM

sprior

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From: Portsmouth, UK
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Are you lot being mean to poor old Manders? Fie, I say.

Anyway, Sept 7th 1942.

The troops for Otter will being embarkation for Otter on 21 Sept. The first 2 targets will be Port Hedland and Broome/Derby. The carriers are assmebling at Adelaide and will begin their move to Perth as the troops start to embark. On the same day will begin to bombe the airfeilds at Port Hedland and Broome with the aerial armada assembled in SW Australia.

< Message edited by sprior -- 7/5/2011 6:13:13 AM >

_____________________________

"Grown ups are what's left when skool is finished."
"History started badly and hav been geting steadily worse."
- Nigel Molesworth.

(in reply to Cap Mandrake)

Post #: 4841

RE: Lost opportunities.... - 7/5/2011 7:03:22 AM

Cap Mandrake

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From: Southern California
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Ah, splendid! Sept. 21. Was that chosen because of low tides and a bomber's moon or was the SWPAC haruspex insovlved?

It will give time to get that auxillary officer's head on promenade deck repaired on Nevada and get her over to Perth and also to fill out that P-38 squadron at Geraldton a bit more.

(in reply to Cap Mandrake)

Post #: 4842

RE: Lost opportunities.... - 7/5/2011 3:38:41 PM

sprior

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From: Portsmouth, UK
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quote:

Sept. 21. Was that chosen because of low tides and a bomber's moon

No, because it's 2 weeks away.

_____________________________

"Grown ups are what's left when skool is finished."
"History started badly and hav been geting steadily worse."
- Nigel Molesworth.

(in reply to Cap Mandrake)

Post #: 4843

RE: Lost opportunities.... - 7/5/2011 4:10:29 PM

Cap Mandrake

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From: Southern California
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quote:

Fie, I say.

Oooh, Chaucer-speak. I love Chaucer-speak.

(in reply to Chickenboy)

Post #: 4844

RE: Lost opportunities.... - 7/5/2011 4:14:01 PM

Cap Mandrake

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From: Southern California
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quote:

ORIGINAL: sprior

quote:

Sept. 21. Was that chosen because of low tides and a bomber's moon

No, because it's 2 weeks away.

So, if I understand correctly, you are suggesting we use the calender for planning purposes? I think you have the germ of an idea there....crude, yes...but...

(in reply to sprior)

Post #: 4845

RE: Lost opportunities.... - 7/5/2011 4:37:18 PM

Chickenboy

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From: San Antonio, TX
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Cap Mandrake

quote:

ORIGINAL: sprior

quote:

Sept. 21. Was that chosen because of low tides and a bomber's moon

No, because it's 2 weeks away.

So, if I understand correctly, you are suggesting we use the calender for planning purposes? I think you have the germ of an idea there....crude, yes...but...

Sorry to rain on your parade, Lord Admiral, but it'll never work with this lot-the planning purposes thing, that is.

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Post #: 4846

RE: Lost opportunities.... - 7/5/2011 4:57:03 PM

sprior

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From: Portsmouth, UK
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Cap Mandrake

quote:

Fie, I say.

Oooh, Chaucer-speak. I love Chaucer-speak.

quote:

auxillary officer's head on promenade deck

You haven't seen A Knight's Tale have you?

_____________________________

"Grown ups are what's left when skool is finished."
"History started badly and hav been geting steadily worse."
- Nigel Molesworth.

(in reply to Cap Mandrake)

Post #: 4847

RE: Lost opportunities.... - 7/5/2011 4:58:04 PM

sprior

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From: Portsmouth, UK
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Chickenboy

quote:

ORIGINAL: Cap Mandrake

quote:

ORIGINAL: sprior

quote:

Sept. 21. Was that chosen because of low tides and a bomber's moon

No, because it's 2 weeks away.

So, if I understand correctly, you are suggesting we use the calender for planning purposes? I think you have the germ of an idea there....crude, yes...but...

Sorry to rain on your parade, Lord Admiral, but it'll never work with this lot-the planning purposes thing, that is.

Planning? I was talking about prevarication and putting things off.

_____________________________

"Grown ups are what's left when skool is finished."
"History started badly and hav been geting steadily worse."
- Nigel Molesworth.

(in reply to Chickenboy)

Post #: 4848

RE: Lost opportunities.... - 7/5/2011 6:30:59 PM

Cap Mandrake

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From: Southern California
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sprior

quote:

ORIGINAL: Cap Mandrake

quote:

Fie, I say.

Oooh, Chaucer-speak. I love Chaucer-speak.

quote:

auxillary officer's head on promenade deck

You haven't seen A Knight's Tale have you?

Wait, do you mean "read" or "seen"? Personally, I am hoping for a "remake" of The Miller's Tale, upon which I based much of my life philosophy. Maybe they are having trouble getting Ledger to answer their phone calls.

(in reply to sprior)

Post #: 4849

RE: Lost opportunities.... - 7/5/2011 8:32:43 PM

Mynok

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quote:

The troops for Otter will being embarkation for Otter on 21 Sept.

Soon all their base are belong to green jobs.

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"Measure civilization by the ability of citizens to mock government with impunity" -- Unknown

(in reply to Cap Mandrake)

Post #: 4850

RE: Lost opportunities.... - 7/5/2011 8:38:41 PM

khyberbill

Posts: 1941
Joined: 9/11/2007
From: new milford, ct
Status: offline

quote:

Soon all their base are belong to green jobs.

I just don't understand Martian syntax or grammar.

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"Its a dog eat dog world Sammy and I am wearing Milkbone underwear" -Norm.

(in reply to Mynok)

Post #: 4851

RE: Lost opportunities.... - 7/5/2011 10:35:05 PM

witpqs

Posts: 26087
Joined: 10/4/2004
From: Argleton
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quote:

ORIGINAL: khyberbill

quote:

Soon all their base are belong to green jobs.

I just don't understand Martian syntax or grammar.

It's based on the new math.

(in reply to khyberbill)

Post #: 4852

RE: Lost opportunities.... - 7/5/2011 11:22:38 PM

Cap Mandrake

Posts: 23184
Joined: 11/15/2002
From: Southern California
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Mynok

quote:

The troops for Otter will being embarkation for Otter on 21 Sept.

Soon all their base are belong to green jobs.

The greater peril is "all their womans are belong to green jobs"

(in reply to Mynok)

Post #: 4853

RE: Lost opportunities.... - 7/6/2011 1:38:51 AM

khyberbill

Posts: 1941
Joined: 9/11/2007
From: new milford, ct
Status: offline

quote:

It's based on the new math.

I never understood that either, just give me a binomial equation or let me do a nice integral and I am happy.

_____________________________

"Its a dog eat dog world Sammy and I am wearing Milkbone underwear" -Norm.

(in reply to witpqs)

Post #: 4854

RE: Lost opportunities.... - 7/6/2011 2:28:15 AM

Mynok

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Cap Mandrake

quote:

ORIGINAL: Mynok

quote:

The troops for Otter will being embarkation for Otter on 21 Sept.

Soon all their base are belong to green jobs.

The greater peril is "all their womans are belong to green jobs"

Pongo bait

_____________________________

"Measure civilization by the ability of citizens to mock government with impunity" -- Unknown

(in reply to Cap Mandrake)

Post #: 4855

RE: Lost opportunities.... - 7/6/2011 6:48:16 AM

sprior

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From: Portsmouth, UK
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The only pongo bait are the ones the matelots won't touch. And matelots in a foreign port aren't too picky...

_____________________________

"Grown ups are what's left when skool is finished."
"History started badly and hav been geting steadily worse."
- Nigel Molesworth.

(in reply to Mynok)

Post #: 4856

RE: Lost opportunities.... - 7/7/2011 6:51:59 PM

Cap Mandrake

Posts: 23184
Joined: 11/15/2002
From: Southern California
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**************Officer's Club, Suva, Espt. 8, 1942*******************

<Man in fine linen slacks walks quickly tp to a table>

Man in fine linen slacks: Yossarian, you slothful son of a bitch, GET UP! We are going to Perth!

Hiruste man: Perth? Why are we in such a Goddamned hurry to go to Perth?

Man in fine linen slacks: Because the place is crawling with GI's and there aren't enough women.

Hiruste man: Milo, you crazy, anatomically naive, SOB. I am afraid I am particularly unsuited to be of help.

Man in fine linen slacks: No, no, no. It's not that. What do GI's do when there aren't enough women?

Hiruste man: I suppose that depends on what branch they are in.

Man in fine linen slacks: They drink, you indolent SOB! They drink! We are going to start a Tahitian themed dance club.

Hiruste man: Dance club? Don't we need girls?

Man in fine linen slacks: Got em! Since all the Tannanese men are away on garrison duty, I got me a baker's dozen of Tannanese women.

Hiruste man: Tananese? I thought you said it was Tahitian-themed?

Man in fine linen slacks: You put an umbrella in his drink and some kid from Kansas doesn't know any better.

Hiruste man: Milo, you crazy SOB, I'm not sure how to say this but I have never seen an attractive Tannanese girl.

Man in fine linen slacks: Subdued lighting, man. Sudued lighting and alcohol. Works every time.................

(in reply to Chickenboy)

Post #: 4857

RE: Lost opportunities.... - 7/7/2011 7:00:34 PM

Mynok

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I take it Desperation Otter is a joint brown and green job op?

_____________________________

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(in reply to Cap Mandrake)

Post #: 4858

RE: Lost opportunities.... - 7/7/2011 10:20:41 PM

witpqs

Posts: 26087
Joined: 10/4/2004
From: Argleton
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D-Day - Antony Beevor, page 517

"The problem was that many American Soldiers, loaded with dollar's of back pay, believed that hardship at the front gave them the right to behave as they liked in the rear. And American deserters in Paris, combined with a few Milo Minderbenders in the supply services, fuelled a rampant black market. The capital of France became known as 'Chicago-sur-Seine'."

People who don't know these AARs might think that Beevor is citing the character from Catch-22, but we know better.

(in reply to Mynok)

Post #: 4859

RE: Lost opportunities.... - 7/8/2011 2:23:31 PM

Cap Mandrake

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Joined: 11/15/2002
From: Southern California
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************COM 14, Pearl Harbor, Sept. 9, 1942*******

Cmdr. Rochefort: ..right, here it is boys, a message from Rord Admirar Fabertong to Rord Admirar Nerson..<looks at note>.."The whatsit is at the dohdah because of the thingy we discussed." What do you think?

Aide: Right, I make those as idiosynchratic code words, probably operationally speciific. "Dodah" appears to be a geographic location. "The whatsit" could be a military unit.

Cmdr. Rochefort: Agreed. Let's get cracking on this. I want a cross reference of major unit movements in the last two weeks on JN-25.

Aide 2: Sir, I wonder if the inscrutable little yellow bastards suspect we have solved JN-25 and are deliberately feeding us this knowing it will lead to a Chinese fire drill, in which case they are at this very moment slapping each other on the back as their squinty little yellow bastard eyes grow even more squinty in Oriental mirthmaking.

Aide: Hey, yeah. What if "whatsit" is just a big shipment of salted sea urchin roe?

Cmdr. Rochefort: Why the ******* bastards! What is required then is an equally puerile demonstration on our part.

Aide 2: Cmdr, may I suggest we all go up on the water tower and drop trou toward Tokyo?

Cmdr. Rochefort: hehehehheheHEHEHEHHEEH! YEEEHAW! Let's go boys! <meeting ends>

(in reply to Chickenboy)

Post #: 4860