Apollo11
Posts: 24082
Joined: 6/7/2001 From: Zagreb, Croatia Status: offline
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Hi all, quote:
ORIGINAL: LargeSlowTarget quote:
ORIGINAL: Gunnulf If we banned every flag of a defeated country then France would be on its umpteenth new design by now... ;) Going OT here but you may get a chuckle from this : The (almost) Complete Military History of France Gallic Wars, 58-50 BC Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian [or at that time in history, a Roman]. War against the Moors, late 700s-early 800s Tied. Even with Charlemagne leading them against an enemy living in a hostile land, the French are unable to make much progress and hide behind Pyrenees until the modern day. Norse (Viking) invasions, 841-911 Lost. After having their way with the French for 70 years, the Norse are bribed by a French King named Charles the Simple (really!) who gave them Normandy in return for peace. Normans proceed to become just about the only positive military bonus in France's favour for next 500 years. Invasion of England, 1066 Claimed as a French victory: ”William the Conqueror, Duke and Ruler of France, launches the largest Invasion in the history of the world until the same trip was taken in reverse on June 6th 1944. William fights Harold for the Throne of England which old king Edward rightfully left to William but Harold had usurped. William fights the Saxons (English), wins - and the French rule England for the next 80 years. The French start the largest building and economic infrastructure program since the Roman Empire, the English economy skyrockets and the Normans inadvertently launch England to become a major world power - Vive la France!” However, the truth is different and the French tend to overlook some basic facts. Firstly, the King of France at the time of the Norman invasion of 1066 was Philip the First (1060 - 1108). William the Conqueror was the Duke of Normandy and, incidentally, directly descended from the Vikings. Therefore William was as alien to France as the experience of victory is to the French. Since Philip did not invade England but William did, the victory at Hastings was Norman - not French. Normandy may be a part of France now but it most certainly wasn't in 1066. Therefore, William's coronation as King of England had nothing whatsoever to do with the French. As usual, the French were nowhere near the place when the fighting was going on. The mistaken belief that 1066 was a French victory leads to the First Rule of French Warfare; "When incapable of any victory whatsoever - claim someone else's". Third Crusade, 1187–1192 Tied. Philip Augustus of France throws hissy-fit, leaves Crusade for Richard the Lion Heart to finish. Albigenses Crusade, 1208 French-on-French loss (probably should be counted as victory too, just to be fair). Frenchmen massacared by Frenchmen - when asked how to differentiate a heretic from the faithful, response was "Kill them all. God will know His own." Lesson: French are badasses when fighting unarmed men, women and children. Seventh Crusade, 1248–1254 Lost. St. Louis of France leads Crusade to Egypt. Resoundingly crushed. Eighth Crusade, 1270–1272 Lost. St. Louis back in action, this time in Tunis. See Seventh Crusade. Hundred Years War, 1337-1453 Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman." Italian Wars, 1494-1559 Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians. French Wars of Religion, 1562-1598 Another French-on French loss. Thirty Years War, 1618-1648 France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her. India, 1673-1813 Lost. British were far more charming than French and ended up as victors. Therefore the British are well known for their tea, and the French for their whine - er, wine. Ensures 200 years of bad teeth in England. The French-Dutch War, 1672-1678 Tied. Some territorial gains but war aims not achieved. War of the Augsburg League / Nine Year’s War, 1688-1697 Tied. Some territorial gains but war aims not achieved. War of the Spanish Succession, 1701-1714 Tied. Some territorial gains but war aims not achieved. Gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved ever since. [Three ties in a row induce deluded Frogophiles to label the period as the height of French military power.] Seven Year’s War / French and Indian War, 1756-1763 Lost. After getting hammered by Frederick the Great of Prussia at Rossbach, the French were held off for the remainder of the War by Frederick of Brunswick and a hodge-podge army including some Brits. War also saw France kicked out of Canada (Wolfe at Quebec) and India (Clive at Plassey). American Revolution, 1778-1783 Claimed as won. Eager for revenge after having lost the Seven Year’s War, France joins the fight after waiting and watching for three years. In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Third Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting." French Revolution, 1789-1799 Won! Primarily due the fact that the opponents were also French. In an internal civil war, much blood is shed and a lot of reactionary heads are chopped off with the guillotine, including the king’s. All this for having a dictator aspiring to become emperor as head of state at the end of the revolution. French logic! Haiti, 1791-1804 Lost. French defeated by rebellion after sacrificing 4,000 Poles to yellow fever. Shows another rule of French warfare: “When in doubt, send an ally.” Wars of the French Revolution, 1792-1802 Tied at best. France manages to spread some revolutionary principles around Europe and the Middle East, creating widesread chaos and misery and triggering the first total wars, but no other country actually follows France and changes its form of government. 1798-1801, Quasi-War with U.S. Lost. French privateers (semi-legal pirates) attack U.S. shipping. U.S. fights France at sea for 3 years; French eventually caves in; sets precedent for next 200 years of Franco-American relations. Napoleonic Wars, 1803-1815 Lost. Temporary victories (remember the Second Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer. It should be noted that the Grand Armée was largely (~%50) composed of non-Frenchmen after 1804 - mainly disgruntled minorities, anti-monarchists and soldiers forcibly contributed from occupied territories. Not surprisingly, these performed better than the French on many occasions. (American) Barbary Wars, 1801-1815 Since the Middle Ages, pirates in North Africa continually harassed European shipping in the Mediterranean. France's solution: Pay them to leave us alone. America's solution: Kick their asses ("to the Shores of Tripoli" in the Marines hymn) in the United States first overseas victories. Mexico, 1863-1864 Lost. France attempts to take advantage of Mexico's weakness following its thorough thrashing by the U.S. 20 years earlier ("From the Halls of Montezuma" in the Marines hymn). Not surprisingly, the only unit to distinguish itself is the French Foreign Legion (by definition consisting of non-Frenchmen). Booted out of the country a little over a year after arrival. Franco-Prussian War, 1870-1871 Lost. Germany plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night. Panama jungles, 1881-1890 With no one but nature to fight, France still loses; Panama canal is finally built by the U.S. 1904-1914. World War I, 1914-1918 Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline. World War II, 1939-1945 Lost. France attempted to hide behind the Maginot line, sticking the head in the sand and pretending that the Germans would enter France that way. By doing so, the Germans would have been breaking with their traditional route of invading France, entering through Belgium (Napoleonic Wars, Franco-Prussian War, World War I, etc.). French ignored this though, and put all their effort into these defences. Conquered French are finally liberated by the United States, Britain, Canada and minor Allies (plus a handful of Frenchmen like the “Commando Kiefer” and the “2ieme DB” which are later glorified as if having liberated France all by themselves) - just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song. Of course, after the war all Frenchmen labelled themselves as resistance fighters. Note that the last defenders of the Führer bunker at Berlin were French SS men (no wonder the defence was unsuccessful). War in Indochina, 1946-1954 Lost. French forces plead sickness; take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu. Only force to cover itself with glory is again the French Foreign Legion (composed mostly of Germans at that time). Algerian Rebellion, 1956-1963 Lost. Marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux. The French consider the departure of the French from Algeria in 1962-63, after 130 years of colonialism, as a French victory and especially consider C. de Gaulle as a hero for 'leading' said victory over the unwilling French public who were very much against the departure. This ended their colonialism. About 2 million ungrateful Algerians lost their lives in this shoddy affair. Deleted the part on the War on Terrorism since 2001 since it can get political... Source: The internet, edited and expanded by me To our French friends : Take it easy, just poking some fun - I live, work and pay my taxes in France by choice and love your country! Fantastic!  Leo "Apollo11"
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Prior Preparation & Planning Prevents Pathetically Poor Performance! A & B: WitW, WitE, WbtS, GGWaW, GGWaW2-AWD, HttR, CotA, BftB, CF P: UV, WitP, WitP-AE
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