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RE: A competition to make other forumites smile despite international events of the unfortunate kind

 
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RE: A competition to make other forumites smile despite... - 11/20/2015 2:28:34 PM   
Chickenboy


Posts: 24520
Joined: 6/29/2002
From: San Antonio, TX
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Schanilec

How did Helen Keller's parents punish her when she was bad?

They rearranged the furniture.


Didja hear what happened when Hellen Keller fell down the well?

She screamed her hand off.

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Post #: 61
RE: A competition to make other forumites smile despite... - 11/20/2015 3:17:23 PM   
Schanilec

 

Posts: 4040
Joined: 6/12/2010
From: Grand Forks, ND
Status: offline 		Or fell off a cliff and screamed her fingers off.

Why does Helen Keller keep burning her ear?

From answering the iron.

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This is one Czech that doesn't bounce.

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Post #: 62
RE: A competition to make other forumites smile despite... - 11/20/2015 4:56:45 PM   
Chickenboy


Posts: 24520
Joined: 6/29/2002
From: San Antonio, TX
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Schanilec

Or fell off a cliff and screamed her fingers off.

Why does Helen Keller keep burning her ear?

From answering the iron.


How did she burn her *other* ear?

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Post #: 63
RE: A competition to make other forumites smile despite... - 11/20/2015 6:29:09 PM   
Schanilec

 

Posts: 4040
Joined: 6/12/2010
From: Grand Forks, ND
Status: offline 		All right. How?

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This is one Czech that doesn't bounce.

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Post #: 64
RE: A competition to make other forumites smile despite... - 11/20/2015 7:00:41 PM   
Chickenboy


Posts: 24520
Joined: 6/29/2002
From: San Antonio, TX
Status: offline 		It called back.




ETA: Thanks for the assist.

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Post #: 65
RE: A competition to make other forumites smile despite... - 11/20/2015 8:28:15 PM   
Schanilec

 

Posts: 4040
Joined: 6/12/2010
From: Grand Forks, ND
Status: offline 		Anytime.

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This is one Czech that doesn't bounce.

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Post #: 66
RE: A competition to make other forumites smile despite... - 11/21/2015 5:48:01 AM   
geofflambert


Posts: 14863
Joined: 12/23/2010
From: St. Louis
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Panjack

A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go hunting. They see a deer, a quite oblivious deer mind you, in the far distance.

The physicist takes the first shot, but his bullet travels 2 feet too low because in his calculations he assumed he was shooting in a vacuum. The engineer shoots next, but her bullet sails 2 feet too high because she over-compensated for air resistance. The engineer turns to the statistician and says, “It’s your turn to shoot.”

The statistician smiles and says, “No need to shoot again. We got it!”


Let me make sure I understand this. Men make bad physicists, women make poor engineers and statisticians are transgender?

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Post #: 67
RE: A competition to make other forumites smile despite... - 11/21/2015 6:05:25 AM   
geofflambert


Posts: 14863
Joined: 12/23/2010
From: St. Louis
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Colonel Mustard

As long as we're still going....This one came up on my Joke-A-Day calendar just this week.

A French thief robs the Louvre. An otherwise perfect crime is foiled when the getaway van runs out of fuel. The thief is interrogated. The inspector asks him how, with such exquisite planning, could he overlook this critical detail? His response: "I did not have de Monet to get Degas to make the Van Gogh."


Hate to be a buzz kill, but Van Gogh rhymes with the stuff that Klingons eat. The horror!

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Post #: 68
RE: A competition to make other forumites smile despite... - 11/21/2015 5:55:46 PM   
Schanilec

 

Posts: 4040
Joined: 6/12/2010
From: Grand Forks, ND
Status: offline 		My buddy told me he and wife do it doggie style. He sits up and begs. She rolls over and plays dead.

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This is one Czech that doesn't bounce.

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Post #: 69
RE: A competition to make other forumites smile despite... - 11/22/2015 12:30:29 PM   
jamesjohns

 

Posts: 135
Joined: 12/2/2013
Status: offline 		3 expectant mothers are talking in the Doctors office. The first woman says "I heard if the woman was on top during conception, the baby will be a girl" The second woman says "I heard if the man was on top, the baby will be a boy" The third woman cries out "I'm going to have a puppy"

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Post #: 70
RE: A competition to make other forumites smile despite... - 11/22/2015 3:43:32 PM   
Orm


Posts: 22154
Joined: 5/3/2008
From: Sweden
Status: offline 		.




Attachment (1)

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Have a bit more patience with newbies. Of course some of them act dumb -- they're often students, for heaven's sake. - Terry Pratchett

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Post #: 71
RE: A competition to make other forumites smile despite... - 11/22/2015 8:33:04 PM   
rustysi


Posts: 7472
Joined: 2/21/2012
From: LI, NY
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Orm

.






Funny, I've been to the OKC area many times, and have not seen either said dragon.

_____________________________

It is seldom that liberty of any kind is lost all at once. Hume

In every party there is one member who by his all-too-devout pronouncement of the party principles provokes the others to apostasy. Nietzsche

Cave ab homine unius libri. Ltn Prvb

(in reply to Orm)
Post #: 72
RE: A competition to make other forumites smile despite... - 11/22/2015 8:50:10 PM   
dcpollay


Posts: 532
Joined: 11/22/2012
From: Upstate New York USA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: geofflambert


quote:

ORIGINAL: Colonel Mustard

As long as we're still going....This one came up on my Joke-A-Day calendar just this week.

A French thief robs the Louvre. An otherwise perfect crime is foiled when the getaway van runs out of fuel. The thief is interrogated. The inspector asks him how, with such exquisite planning, could he overlook this critical detail? His response: "I did not have de Monet to get Degas to make the Van Gogh."


Hate to be a buzz kill, but Van Gogh rhymes with the stuff that Klingons eat. The horror!


Better to rhyme with their food than with the post-consumer product.

_____________________________

"It's all according to how your boogaloo situation stands, you understand."

Formerly known as Colonel Mustard, before I got Slitherine Syndrome.

(in reply to geofflambert)
Post #: 73
RE: A competition to make other forumites smile despite... - 11/22/2015 9:26:21 PM   
Zorch

 

Posts: 7087
Joined: 3/7/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: rustysi


quote:

ORIGINAL: Orm

.






Funny, I've been to the OKC area many times, and have not seen either said dragon.

Did someone say Dragons?




Attachment (1)

(in reply to rustysi)
Post #: 74
RE: A competition to make other forumites smile despite... - 11/23/2015 12:47:22 AM   
Panjack

 

Posts: 401
Joined: 7/12/2009
From: Southern California
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: geofflambert


quote:

ORIGINAL: Panjack

A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go hunting. They see a deer, a quite oblivious deer mind you, in the far distance.

The physicist takes the first shot, but his bullet travels 2 feet too low because in his calculations he assumed he was shooting in a vacuum. The engineer shoots next, but her bullet sails 2 feet too high because she over-compensated for air resistance. The engineer turns to the statistician and says, “It’s your turn to shoot.”

The statistician smiles and says, “No need to shoot again. We got it!”


Let me make sure I understand this. Men make bad physicists, women make poor engineers and statisticians are transgender?

The average of the two shots (2 feet high & 2 feet low) was right on target.

(in reply to geofflambert)
Post #: 75
RE: A competition to make other forumites smile despite... - 11/23/2015 2:36:49 AM   
39battalion


Posts: 247
Joined: 7/27/2004
From: Adelaide, South Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Puhis

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says, "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence; then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says, "OK, now what?






On a rather different note two of my Woody Allen favourites are :

1. I am not afraid of death. I just don't want to be there when it happens.

2. The best thing about being bi-sexual is that it doubles your chance of a date on a Saturday night.

Note:these are particularly funny after you have finished your first bottle of wine and are well into your second...

(in reply to Puhis)
Post #: 76
RE: A competition to make other forumites smile despite... - 11/23/2015 4:59:02 AM   
BJStone


Posts: 135
Joined: 1/31/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: wdolson


quote:

ORIGINAL: jeffk3510

What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic?

Someone who stays up all night wondering if there is a Dog.



I have a dyslexic friend who was having insomnia problems. I told her that joke and she said "thanks, I'm going to be thinking about that all night tonight!"


So then she was asleep by morning?


< Message edited by BJStone -- 11/23/2015 5:59:26 AM >

(in reply to wdolson)
Post #: 77
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