A competition to make other forumites smile despite international events of the unfortunate kind

A competition to make other forumites smile despite international events of the unfortunate kind (Full Version)

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geofflambert -> A competition to make other forumites smile despite international events of the unfortunate kind (11/15/2015 3:35:36 AM)
I know that this forum cannot be an outlet for the anger all of us feel about recent incidents. I also know that keeping rage in is not healthy. I also know that many of us come to this forum to escape serious and disturbing things we are exposed to elsewhere. I thought I could start a thread which likely won't last long but could give us at this time a refuge, a place to laugh or a place to groan. Here is my initial entry. You will be scoring points with your entries and whoever wins will be all of us. I'm not sure what purchase this will have outside the US, you may be scratching your heads, but here it is: Do you know what the French use to stick stuff together? Liquid Snails. Do you know what happens the day after you eat bratwurst? You pass mustard. I can now save you the energy of tapping out a few comments on your keyboard. Booooooo! Hisssss!

tocaff -> RE: A competition to make other forumites smile despite international events of the unfortunate kind (11/15/2015 11:47:57 AM)
[&:]

Zorch -> RE: A competition to make other forumites smile despite international events of the unfortunate kind (11/15/2015 1:30:02 PM)
Famous Roman with a cold? Julius Sneezer. Biggest moving job in history? Wheeling, West Virginia.

dcpollay -> RE: A competition to make other forumites smile despite international events of the unfortunate kind (11/15/2015 2:59:18 PM)
A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink. He asks the bartender, "How much?" The bartender replies, "For you? No charge!"

geofflambert -> RE: A competition to make other forumites smile despite international events of the unfortunate kind (11/15/2015 8:26:26 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: tocaff [&:] here's what inspired the first one [image]local://upfiles/37002/19BE474BCF01457C95752BFBE1E0E435.jpg[/image] It's still stupid. I'm an expert on that.

Encircled -> RE: A competition to make other forumites smile despite international events of the unfortunate kind (11/15/2015 10:48:33 PM)
The insects challenge the birds to a football (soccer) match. First half, its a bit of a nightmare for the insects as they are 11-0 down, and at half time they bring in a millipede. He's outstanding, completely changes the game and scores all twelve goals as the insects go on to win 12-11. After the game, the birds ask him "Why the hell where you not playing from the start, you were brilliant" The millipede shrugs and says "well, it took me the whole first half to get my football boots on"

CaptBeefheart -> RE: A competition to make other forumites smile despite international events of the unfortunate kind (11/16/2015 2:37:57 AM)
Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, make you fat." Little Johnny replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old." The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?" Little Johnny answered, "No, he minded his own f-ing business!" Cheers, CC

geofflambert -> RE: A competition to make other forumites smile despite international events of the unfortunate kind (11/16/2015 2:47:38 AM)
The quality of the competition is improving.

wdolson -> RE: A competition to make other forumites smile despite international events of the unfortunate kind (11/16/2015 9:05:40 AM)
A guy walked into a bar... and said "Ouch"

RedLancer -> RE: A competition to make other forumites smile despite international events of the unfortunate kind (11/16/2015 3:38:05 PM)
What's orange and sounds like a parrot.........a carrot.

Puhis -> RE: A competition to make other forumites smile despite international events of the unfortunate kind (11/16/2015 4:21:05 PM)
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says, "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence; then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says, "OK, now what?

Zorch -> RE: A competition to make other forumites smile despite international events of the unfortunate kind (11/16/2015 4:47:35 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Red Lancer What's orange and sounds like a parrot.........a carrot. What's brown and sounds like a bell? Dung!

Lecivius -> RE: A competition to make other forumites smile despite international events of the unfortunate kind (11/16/2015 6:09:16 PM)
Two guys from LA would go elk hunting every year in Colorado without success. Year after year, they hunted and hunted, but always came home without an elk. Finally they came up with a foolproof plan. They rented a very authentic cow elk costume and learned the mating call of a cow elk. The plan was to hide inside the costume, lure in a bull elk, then come out of the costume, surprising the elk before shooting it. So, they set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, (in their costume), and gave the elk love call. Before long their call was answered by a large bull elk roaming around the edge of the forest. They called again, and the elk answered closer to them. They called again, and the elk answered, then came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. As the elk's pounding hoof beats got closer the guy in front said, "OK, let's get out and get him". After a moment the guy in the back shouts: "THE ZIPPER IS STUCK, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?!" The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you better brace yourself!"

littleike -> RE: A competition to make other forumites smile despite international events of the unfortunate kind (11/16/2015 7:42:27 PM)
Two guys decided to go hunting birds, so they took guns, munitions, the dog and started hunting. After many hours without having hunt nothing one said to the other: After so many hours we have not took a single bird. I am sure we mistake something! I agree said the other; maybe we do not throw the dog enough high.

Zigurat666 -> RE: A competition to make other forumites smile despite international events of the unfortunate kind (11/16/2015 8:05:10 PM)
Translate the following newfie slang M R Snakes M R Not O S A R C D B D ii scroll down for answer Them are snakes No theyre not Oh yes they are See the beady eyes??

Panjack -> RE: A competition to make other forumites smile despite international events of the unfortunate kind (11/16/2015 8:32:41 PM)
A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go hunting. They see a deer, a quite oblivious deer mind you, in the far distance. The physicist takes the first shot, but his bullet travels 2 feet too low because in his calculations he assumed he was shooting in a vacuum. The engineer shoots next, but her bullet sails 2 feet too high because she over-compensated for air resistance. The engineer turns to the statistician and says, �It�s your turn to shoot.� The statistician smiles and says, �No need to shoot again. We got it!�

zuluhour -> RE: A competition to make other forumites smile despite international events of the unfortunate kind (11/16/2015 9:13:48 PM)
My wife liked that one Bill an old one [image]local://upfiles/37319/133B4B4AB3FE4AF4A2B4C772861AEB78.jpg[/image]

Chickenboy -> RE: A competition to make other forumites smile despite international events of the unfortunate kind (11/16/2015 9:14:08 PM)
Guy goes in to see his dentist. Patient: Doc, ya gotta help me. I'm having a massive problem with my dental implants. Dentist: [removes and examines patient's upper dental plate] My goodness! This is filled with holes! It's like it's been etched with acid or something. What on Earth are you eating? Patient: [thinks for a while] Well, it could be the eggs Benedict, I suppose. I love 'em. Can't get enough. Sometimes I'll have them two or three times a day, doc. Dentist: [ponders] Well...it could be the hollandaise. There's a fair amount of lemon used in producing that. If that's the case, I'll have to replace your existing enameled plate with one that's entirely chromed. Patient: Chrome? Why chrome? Dentist: Because everyone knows-there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise. [:'(]

zuluhour -> RE: A competition to make other forumites smile despite international events of the unfortunate kind (11/16/2015 9:16:00 PM)
owch! that hurt[:D] A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Wairarapa He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it." The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in New Zealand and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own." The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in North Wairarapa. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'" The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?" The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up." The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees! His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and remaining strength and very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn." (I love this part) The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."

zuluhour -> RE: A competition to make other forumites smile despite international events of the unfortunate kind (11/16/2015 9:23:41 PM)
ahh one more for the road An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers. The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone. An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more. This happens yet again. The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers. Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town. �I don�t mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers.� �Tis odd, isn�t it?� the man replies, �You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America, and the other to Australia. We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond.� The bartender and soon the whole town was pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink. Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening � he orders only two beers. The word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers. The next day, the bartender says to the man, �Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know-the two beers and all� The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, �You�ll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well It�s just that I, meself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent.�

Trugrit -> RE: A competition to make other forumites smile despite international events of the unfortunate kind (11/16/2015 9:34:10 PM)
A burglar breaks into a home and is greeted by a voice that says "Jesus is watching you!" He shines his flashlight around and finds no one. He takes another step to hear "Jesus is watching you!" This time he shines the light to discover a parrot in a cage. He asks, "Was that you talking?" The parrot answers "Yes." The burglar asks, "What is your name?" The parrot replies, "Clarence." The burglar asks, "What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot replies, "The same idiot that named the Doberman Jesus."

dcpollay -> RE: A competition to make other forumites smile despite international events of the unfortunate kind (11/16/2015 10:09:52 PM)
A dyslexic man walked into a bra. Two antennas met on a roof ... fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much ... but the reception was excellent. And ... there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends ... with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

CaptBeefheart -> RE: A competition to make other forumites smile despite international events of the unfortunate kind (11/16/2015 11:08:44 PM)
The bad guys have captured the Lone Ranger, have him naked on the ground, and are about to shoot him. "Do you have any last wishes??", one of them asks. "Bring my horse, Silver, over here," the Lone Ranger replies. They grant his wish and over comes Silver. The Lone Ranger whispers for a moment into Silver's ear. Then Silver disappears over the horizon like lightning. He returns in just a few seconds with a big, beautiful woman in the saddle. She hops off Silver, strips naked and in short order she and the Lone Ranger enjoy themselves to the utmost, much to the delight of the bad guys. When they've finished, another bad guy says, "That looked like good fun. Do you have any other last wishes??" "Yes...bring my horse, Silver, over here one more time," the Lone Ranger replies. Silver approaches, and the Lone Ranger whispers into his ear, "You idiot! I said bring POSSE! P-O-S-S-E POSSE!" Cheers, CC

wdolson -> RE: A competition to make other forumites smile despite international events of the unfortunate kind (11/17/2015 12:35:52 AM)
Two cats of the same size and weight are having a tug of war on a rooftop, which one will win? The one with the bigger mu. (Physics joke) ----------------------- A horse thief, a priest and an engineer were sent to the guillotine. The priest goes first and asks to be put in there face up so he can be facing heaven when the deed is done. The blade fails to release and there is a tradition that if the execution device fails, the person is let go. The horse thief is next and figures if it worked for the priest he might as well try it and it fails for him too. The engineer decides to do the same thing and when they put him in the device, he says, "I see what you're problem is..."

jeffk3510 -> RE: A competition to make other forumites smile despite international events of the unfortunate kind (11/17/2015 2:01:49 AM)
What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic? Someone who stays up all night wondering if there is a Dog. What's the difference between a Kansas stripper and a catfish? One has whiskers and smells like fish and the other is a fish.

wdolson -> RE: A competition to make other forumites smile despite international events of the unfortunate kind (11/17/2015 2:08:31 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: jeffk3510 What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic? Someone who stays up all night wondering if there is a Dog. I have a dyslexic friend who was having insomnia problems. I told her that joke and she said "thanks, I'm going to be thinking about that all night tonight!"

jeffk3510 -> RE: A competition to make other forumites smile despite international events of the unfortunate kind (11/17/2015 2:11:37 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: wdolson quote: ORIGINAL: jeffk3510 What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic? Someone who stays up all night wondering if there is a Dog. I have a dyslexic friend who was having insomnia problems. I told her that joke and she said "thanks, I'm going to be thinking about that all night tonight!" Well played

wdolson -> RE: A competition to make other forumites smile despite international events of the unfortunate kind (11/17/2015 2:17:24 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: geofflambert I know that this forum cannot be an outlet for the anger all of us feel about recent incidents. I also know that keeping rage in is not healthy. I also know that many of us come to this forum to escape serious and disturbing things we are exposed to elsewhere. I thought I could start a thread which likely won't last long but could give us at this time a refuge, a place to laugh or a place to groan. Here is my initial entry. You will be scoring points with your entries and whoever wins will be all of us. I'm not sure what purchase this will have outside the US, you may be scratching your heads, but here it is: Do you know what the French use to stick stuff together? Liquid Snails. My SO's response to this joke: "Look at that S car go!" Two idiots are out in the woods and come across some tracks. One says, "those are deer tracks", the other says, "no they're bear tracks!" They went back and forth arguing about what type of tracks they were when the train hit them. Bill

warspite1 -> RE: A competition to make other forumites smile despite international events of the unfortunate kind (11/17/2015 4:20:01 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: wdolson quote: ORIGINAL: geofflambert I know that this forum cannot be an outlet for the anger all of us feel about recent incidents. I also know that keeping rage in is not healthy. I also know that many of us come to this forum to escape serious and disturbing things we are exposed to elsewhere. I thought I could start a thread which likely won't last long but could give us at this time a refuge, a place to laugh or a place to groan. Here is my initial entry. You will be scoring points with your entries and whoever wins will be all of us. I'm not sure what purchase this will have outside the US, you may be scratching your heads, but here it is: Do you know what the French use to stick stuff together? Liquid Snails. My SO's response to this joke: "Look at that S car go!" warspite1 Trading Places! [:)]

warspite1 -> RE: A competition to make other forumites smile despite international events of the unfortunate kind (11/17/2015 4:34:41 AM)
I went to the book shop and asked the assistant for a book about turtles, she said �hardback?� and I was like, �yeah and little heads�. I've removed all the German names from my mobile phone.... its now Hans free.

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