Matrix Games Forums

 Forums  Register  Login  Photo Gallery  Member List  Search  Calendars  FAQ 

My Profile  Inbox  Address Book  My Subscription  My Forums  Log Out

Dont be too serious. Lets Joke Around

 
View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
Users viewing this topic: none
  Printable Version
All Forums >> [General] >> General Discussion >> Dont be too serious. Lets Joke Around Page: [1] 2   next >   >>
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
Dont be too serious. Lets Joke Around - 1/24/2017 5:32:56 AM   
twopolar

 

Posts: 2
Joined: 1/23/2017
Status: offline 		A man went in for a Brain transplant operation and was offered a choice of two brains by the surgeon. He could choose either the Architect's brain which would cost him £10,000 or the Politician's which was £100,000.

"Does that mean that the politician's brain is much better than the Architect's?" exclaimed the clearly puzzled man.

"not exactly" replied the surgeon, "the politician's has never been used."
Post #: 1
RE: Dont be too serious. Lets Joke Around - 6/20/2017 11:41:33 AM   
matttanner

 

Posts: 11
Joined: 5/30/2017
Status: offline 		A Buddhist monk ordering a shawarma: "Make me one with everything".

(in reply to twopolar)
Post #: 2
RE: Dont be too serious. Lets Joke Around - 6/20/2017 3:30:49 PM   
MrsWargamer


Posts: 1655
Joined: 6/18/2014
Status: offline 		Expert housewife available for marriage. Slightly used. Old fashioned views.

Knows what the letters ASL means. Wishes they would hurry up with Steel Panthers successor.

Hmm actually I'm not joking :)

_____________________________

Wargame, 05% of the time.
Play with Barbies 05% of the time.
Play with Legos 10% of the time.
Build models 20% of the time
Shopping 60% of the time.
Exlains why I buy em more than I play em.

(in reply to matttanner)
Post #: 3
RE: Dont be too serious. Lets Joke Around - 6/20/2017 3:44:22 PM   
JReb


Posts: 459
Joined: 9/18/2002
Status: offline 		"What time is your dental appointment?"

"Tooth Hurty"

_____________________________

My shrink says I have anger management and conflict resolution issues....and I'LL FIGHT ANYBODY THAT DISAGREES!

(in reply to MrsWargamer)
Post #: 4
RE: Dont be too serious. Lets Joke Around - 6/20/2017 9:10:18 PM   
LarryP


Posts: 3783
Joined: 5/15/2005
From: Carson City, NV
Status: offline 		What gets wetter the more it dries?













A towel.

(in reply to JReb)
Post #: 5
RE: Dont be too serious. Lets Joke Around - 6/20/2017 9:45:04 PM   
Aurelian

 

Posts: 3916
Joined: 2/26/2007
Status: offline 		A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?" "I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line."
"Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"

_____________________________

If the Earth was flat, cats would of knocked everything off of it long ago.

(in reply to LarryP)
Post #: 6
RE: Dont be too serious. Lets Joke Around - 6/20/2017 9:57:16 PM   
LarryP


Posts: 3783
Joined: 5/15/2005
From: Carson City, NV
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Aurelian

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?" "I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line."
"Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"


Good one.

(in reply to Aurelian)
Post #: 7
RE: Dont be too serious. Lets Joke Around - 6/20/2017 10:14:49 PM   
Yogi the Great


Posts: 1948
Joined: 4/10/2007
From: Wisconsin
Status: offline 		In honor of our older Grognard generation:

What did one sagging Boob say to the other sagging Boob?

If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts!



< Message edited by Yogi the Great -- 6/20/2017 10:24:29 PM >

(in reply to LarryP)
Post #: 8
RE: Dont be too serious. Lets Joke Around - 6/20/2017 11:04:59 PM   
Lobster


Posts: 5104
Joined: 8/8/2013
From: Third rock from the Sun.
Status: offline 		A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. Our bartender is blonde and the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall blonde, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is a blonde, 6' 2, weighs 225 and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6' 5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

_____________________________

http://www.operationbarbarossa.net/

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity and I’m not sure about the universe-Einstein

Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?
A: A stick.

(in reply to Yogi the Great)
Post #: 9
RE: Dont be too serious. Lets Joke Around - 6/24/2017 11:41:39 AM   
Orm


Posts: 22154
Joined: 5/3/2008
From: Sweden
Status: offline

Thank you, all, for sharing.

_____________________________

Have a bit more patience with newbies. Of course some of them act dumb -- they're often students, for heaven's sake. - Terry Pratchett

(in reply to Lobster)
Post #: 10
RE: Dont be too serious. Lets Joke Around - 6/24/2017 12:35:51 PM   
Aurelian

 

Posts: 3916
Joined: 2/26/2007
Status: offline 		In a bar, a woman is having a drink.
A man comes up to her, and says "Let me buy you a drink."
She said "I already have an asshole in my pants, I don't want another."
I never laughed so hard. (Yes, it's a true story.)


< Message edited by Aurelian -- 6/24/2017 12:37:07 PM >

_____________________________

If the Earth was flat, cats would of knocked everything off of it long ago.

(in reply to Orm)
Post #: 11
RE: Dont be too serious. Lets Joke Around - 6/24/2017 1:00:32 PM   
jack54


Posts: 1402
Joined: 7/18/2007
From: East Tennessee
Status: offline 		Are puns allowed?


I tried to catch some fog in a bucket, but I mist.


Broken pencils are pointless

_____________________________

Avatar: Me borrowing Albert Ball's Nieuport 17

Counter from Bloody April by Terry Simo (GMT)

(in reply to Aurelian)
Post #: 12
RE: Dont be too serious. Lets Joke Around - 6/24/2017 1:27:06 PM   
LarryP


Posts: 3783
Joined: 5/15/2005
From: Carson City, NV
Status: offline 		I prefer puns. Good ones!

(in reply to jack54)
Post #: 13
RE: Dont be too serious. Lets Joke Around - 6/24/2017 3:18:40 PM   
Curtis Lemay


Posts: 12969
Joined: 9/17/2004
From: Houston, TX
Status: offline 		A young lady decides she would like a new pair of shoes. So she goes to the shoe store. But, in her haste and thoughtlessness, she wears a very short dress and forgets to wear any underpants.

Well, the shoe salesman is showing her pair of shoes after pair of shoes, and, as he does so, he is getting more and more bothered by what he is seeing. Finally, he can stand it no longer and he stands up and says "Lady, if you'll fill that thing full of ice cream, I'll eat it!"

The young lady is so incensed by this that she gets up and leaves in a huff. She runs home and tells her husband about it. When she does, he falls on the floor, laughing hysterically. As he does so, she is getting madder and madder. She says "Well, why don't you go back there and get that guy fired or arrested?"

Her husband finally gets control of himself and says, "I'm not going to do that, for three reasons."

"First, you didn't need a new pair of shoes."

"Second, you shouldn't have gone to shop for shoes in such a short dress and without underpants."

"And third, NOBODY CAN EAT THAT MUCH ICE CREAM!"

_____________________________

My TOAW web site:

Bob Cross's TOAW Site

(in reply to LarryP)
Post #: 14
RE: Dont be too serious. Lets Joke Around - 6/24/2017 4:41:38 PM   
Aurelian

 

Posts: 3916
Joined: 2/26/2007
Status: offline 		I have a few jokes about unemployed people but it doesn't matter none of them work.

Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.

I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.

Know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory? She threw out all the ones marked 3,E,and W.

I was addicted to the hokey pokey... but thankfully, I turned myself around.

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned: couldn't concentrate.

_____________________________

If the Earth was flat, cats would of knocked everything off of it long ago.

(in reply to Curtis Lemay)
Post #: 15
RE: Dont be too serious. Lets Joke Around - 6/24/2017 7:15:22 PM   
durangokid


Posts: 146
Joined: 12/22/2015
Status: offline 		Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected and is frequently humourous.

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you ... but it's still
on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people
appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up -- we only learn how to act
in public.

6. War does not determine who is right, only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is
not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal
from many is research.

9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

10. In filling out an application, where it says, "In case of emergency, notify... " I answered " a doctor."

11. Women will never be equal to men until they can
walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut,
and still think they are sexy.

12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only
need a parachute to skydive twice.

13. I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call
whatever you hit the target.

15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian, any
more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

16. You are never too old to learn something stupid.

17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it's getting
harder and harder for me to find one now.

(in reply to Aurelian)
Post #: 16
RE: Dont be too serious. Lets Joke Around - 6/24/2017 8:06:34 PM   
Zap


Posts: 3639
Joined: 12/6/2004
From: LAS VEGAS TAKE A CHANCE
Status: offline 		Very good!
And thanks for the explanation of the terminology, that word had more letters then I'm in the habit of reading. Lol

< Message edited by Zap -- 6/24/2017 8:07:24 PM >

_____________________________


(in reply to durangokid)
Post #: 17
RE: Dont be too serious. Lets Joke Around - 6/25/2017 5:55:18 PM   
british exil


Posts: 1686
Joined: 5/4/2006
From: Lower Saxony Germany
Status: offline 		Durangokid nice paraprosdokians.

You got me smiling quite a bit.

Mat

_____________________________

"It is not enough to expect a man to pay for the best, you must also give him what he pays for." Alfred Dunhill

WitE,UV,AT,ATG,FoF,FPCRS

(in reply to durangokid)
Post #: 18
RE: Dont be too serious. Lets Joke Around - 6/25/2017 6:59:15 PM   
Jafele


Posts: 737
Joined: 4/20/2011
From: Seville (Spain)
Status: offline 		Q: What do you call a pirate with two eyes, two hands and two legs?

A: A beginner.

_____________________________

Las batallas contra las mujeres son las únicas que se ganan huyendo.

NAPOLEÓN BONAPARTE


Cuando el necio oye la verdad se carcajea, porque si no lo hiciera la verdad no sería la verdad.

LAO TSE

(in reply to british exil)
Post #: 19
RE: Dont be too serious. Lets Joke Around - 6/25/2017 8:09:39 PM   
elmo3

 

Posts: 5820
Joined: 1/22/2002
Status: offline 		Why are women like dog turds?

The older they get the easier they are to pick up.

_____________________________

We don't stop playing because we grow old, we grow old because we stop playing. - George Bernard Shaw

WitE alpha/beta tester
Sanctus Reach beta tester
Desert War 1940-42 beta tester

(in reply to Jafele)
Post #: 20
RE: Dont be too serious. Lets Joke Around - 6/25/2017 8:28:09 PM   
wings7


Posts: 4591
Joined: 8/11/2003
From: Phoenix, Arizona
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: elmo3

Why are women like dog turds?

The older they get the easier they are to pick up.

Is there any wonder why we don't have many women gamers here...

_____________________________

Please come and join and befriend me at the great Steam portal! There are quite a few Matrix/Slitherine players on Steam! My member page: http://steamcommunity.com/profiles/76561197988402427

(in reply to elmo3)
Post #: 21
RE: Dont be too serious. Lets Joke Around - 6/25/2017 11:25:52 PM   
RFalvo69


Posts: 1380
Joined: 7/11/2013
From: Lamezia Terme (Italy)
Status: offline 		When you need to be admitted to the hospital, don't worry... until you discover that the doctors are giving your name to your aliment.

_____________________________

"Yes darling, I served in the Navy for eight years. I was a cook..."
"Oh dad... so you were a God-damned cook?"

(My 10 years old daughter after watching "The Hunt for Red October")

(in reply to british exil)
Post #: 22
RE: Dont be too serious. Lets Joke Around - 6/26/2017 5:00:14 AM   
CaptBeefheart


Posts: 2301
Joined: 7/4/2003
From: Seoul, Korea
Status: offline 		As a business traveler is checking in at a five-star hotel he tells the gal at the counter: "I'd like the porn in my room disabled."

She responds: "We only have normal porn, you sick bastard."

Cheers,
CC

_____________________________

Beer, because barley makes lousy bread.

(in reply to RFalvo69)
Post #: 23
RE: Dont be too serious. Lets Joke Around - 6/27/2017 5:14:41 PM   
MrsWargamer


Posts: 1655
Joined: 6/18/2014
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: wings7


quote:

ORIGINAL: elmo3

Why are women like dog turds?

The older they get the easier they are to pick up.

Is there any wonder why we don't have many women gamers here...


Well I'm here :) but you have a good point :)

_____________________________

Wargame, 05% of the time.
Play with Barbies 05% of the time.
Play with Legos 10% of the time.
Build models 20% of the time
Shopping 60% of the time.
Exlains why I buy em more than I play em.

(in reply to wings7)
Post #: 24
RE: Dont be too serious. Lets Joke Around - 6/27/2017 6:34:32 PM   
Curtis Lemay


Posts: 12969
Joined: 9/17/2004
From: Houston, TX
Status: offline 		There was this sensational blonde who had just gotten into the shower and was all wet and soapy, when the doorbell rings. (Isn't that typical). So she gets out of the shower and is toweling herself off and yells out at the door "Who is it?"

The voice on the other side says "It's the Blind Man."

She thinks to herself "Why, if he's blind, I don't need to get dressed. I can go just the way I am." So she swings the door open in her birthday suit. There, in the doorway, is a man - with his eyes WIDE open - and holding an oblong box.

She says "YOU CAN SEE!"

"Yes I can." he replies. "Now where do you want me to put these BLINDS?"

_____________________________

My TOAW web site:

Bob Cross's TOAW Site

(in reply to MrsWargamer)
Post #: 25
RE: Dont be too serious. Lets Joke Around - 6/28/2017 3:47:07 AM   
Chickenboy


Posts: 24520
Joined: 6/29/2002
From: San Antonio, TX
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LarryP

I prefer puns. Good ones!


Guy goes to see his dentist. He complains about his false teeth ("plate") hurting him lately. So the dentist has him lay back while he takes a look. After a quick examination, the Dentist pulls away and offers his findings.

"Yes. I can see why this is bothering you. The plate is badly pitted and etched."

"Why?", asks the man.

"Well, what are you eating? What in your diet may be causing such damage to your false plate?", replies the dentist.

The man thinks for a second. "I suppose that it may be the eggs benedict. I have them every morning. I love them. Hey doc-do you think that the lemon juice in the hollandaise may have something to do with it?"

The dentist nods sagely. "We'll have to replace your plate with one made of chrome."

"Chrome? Why chrome?"

"Well", finishes the dentist, "Everybody knows that there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise."


_____________________________


(in reply to LarryP)
Post #: 26
RE: Dont be too serious. Lets Joke Around - 6/28/2017 6:59:53 PM   
bobarossa

 

Posts: 262
Joined: 6/11/2002
From: Columbus, Ohio USA
Status: offline 		And with that ^ the thread ended.

Do you know where a dog goes when it loses its tail?

A retail store.

(in reply to Chickenboy)
Post #: 27
RE: Dont be too serious. Lets Joke Around - 6/28/2017 8:50:52 PM   
Zorch

 

Posts: 7087
Joined: 3/7/2010
Status: offline 		I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?

(in reply to bobarossa)
Post #: 28
RE: Dont be too serious. Lets Joke Around - 6/28/2017 9:47:55 PM   
Yogi the Great


Posts: 1948
Joined: 4/10/2007
From: Wisconsin
Status: offline 		Head for the roundhouse, they can't corner you there.

(in reply to Zorch)
Post #: 29
RE: Dont be too serious. Lets Joke Around - 6/28/2017 9:51:18 PM   
LarryP


Posts: 3783
Joined: 5/15/2005
From: Carson City, NV
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Zorch

I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?


I like that, simple and funny.

(in reply to Zorch)
Post #: 30
Page:   [1] 2   next >   >>
All Forums >> [General] >> General Discussion >> Dont be too serious. Lets Joke Around Page: [1] 2   next >   >>
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts


Forum Software © ASPPlayground.NET Advanced Edition 2.4.5 ANSI

1.891