OT?: Male Companionship (Full Version)

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KG Erwin -> OT?: Male Companionship (11/26/2006 12:39:14 AM)

How many of you have what you consider to be male best friends? I've had a few over the years, but for one reason or another, we always went our separate ways. The last guy that I considered a best friend died of cancer.

Now, I am surrounded by some loving women (my wife and daughter), but I don't have any close male friends anymore. That's one of the reasons I haunt the forums so much. It may sound strange to some of you, but for a heterosexual male, it ain't that easy to make new friends that you can trust.

Does anyone else feel that way?



Fred98 -> RE: OT?: Male Companionship (11/26/2006 12:57:57 AM)

I have some terrific male mates. Apart from wargaming, we do a bit of cycling and hiking. You can discuss things that you could not with a group of women listening.

And from time to time we gather around the BBQ. When the women approach we say we are discussing secret men's business [8D]



rogueusmc -> RE: OT?: Male Companionship (11/26/2006 2:01:46 AM)

I can count all the really good male friends on one hand.

All my best friends have been women...once you are their 'friend', they never wanna date ya...[8|]



Doggie -> RE: OT?: Male Companionship (11/26/2006 2:10:36 AM)

 
Not that there's anything wrong with that.



KG Erwin -> RE: OT?: Male Companionship (11/26/2006 2:41:11 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: rogueusmc

I can count all the really good male friends on one hand.

All my best friends have been women...once you are their 'friend', they never wanna date ya...[8|]


Dangerous territory, indeed. Gettin' too deep, let's lock it up now. [sm=00000028.gif]

Off to the bar. Drinks on me. [sm=00000436.gif] Who's my buddy NOW? [:D]



Airborne82nd -> RE: OT?: Male Companionship (11/26/2006 2:44:25 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: KG Erwin

How many of you have what you consider to be male best friends? I've had a few over the years, but for one reason or another, we always went our separate ways. The last guy that I considered a best friend died of cancer.

Now, I am surrounded by some loving women (my wife and daughter), but I don't have any close male friends anymore. That's one of the reasons I haunt the forums so much. It may sound strange to some of you, but for a heterosexual male, it ain't that easy to make new friends that you can trust.

Does anyone else feel that way?


I feel almost exactly the same way.



Terminus -> RE: OT?: Male Companionship (11/26/2006 2:48:14 AM)

When I saw the subject line on this thread, I thought I'd somehow logged on to an entirely inappropriate forum...[:D]



Les_the_Sarge_9_1 -> RE: OT?: Male Companionship (11/26/2006 3:22:45 AM)

Ya, thread title sure looks suspicious.

But, in my case, I have two buddies I have known since high school. One has been away absent for years, but we remain very close all the same.
We don't see each other much, but we would gladly drop everything for the other if a sudden need came up.

I have a few locals I see regular, but 3 are the sort of people you consider a major benefit in life.

I am NOT economically well off due to disability. And these three guys never fail to make it plain, if we're are going to see a hit must see film they usually pick up the tab. I have never been left out if we all end up wanting to do some sort of meal out on some manner of excursion. These guys always never make me feel crappy for always seeming to be the one guy that can't afford munchies while hanging out.

There's friends, and then there are guys you would do anything for.
I am very lucky to say I have more than just a few local friends, that if I were to win a lottery, then they just won a VERY large chunk of it too.

I'm fortunate though in that I seem to attract friends fairly easily. You guys might find it hard to believe (from the way I post :)), that I actually make friends a lot more readily than most people normally do.




Veldor -> RE: OT?: Male Companionship (11/26/2006 4:21:56 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Les_the_Sarge_9_1
I am NOT economically well off due to disability. And these three guys never fail to make it plain, if we're are going to see a hit must see film they usually pick up the tab. I have never been left out if we all end up wanting to do some sort of meal out on some manner of excursion. These guys always never make me feel crappy for always seeming to be the one guy that can't afford munchies while hanging out.


I've had various problems with friends in the past....

PROBLEM #1: The above quoted issue has been a sticky point with me with many "friends" in the past. Ironically enough I saw an episode of "Friends" that dealt with the exact problem as I have experienced it. With many people you are "damned if you do, damned if you don't". The specific episode was about eating out. I dont know the show very well but some of them have great paying jobs so they somewhat unconsiously just tend to pick what the average person would see as more expensive restaurants. Thats inconsiderate to the two that don't make much money. Its not enough for them to offer to pick up the tab thats insulting to them as if its charity. Likewise if they tried to take their friends financial situation into account and picked a cheaper restaurant they wouldn't normally go to (So their friends could in fact easily pay their own way) well now they are now "slumming it" just cuz of their friends and now those 2 friends are equally insulted.

The above problem seems to be less of an issue amongst those who are older or have been friends longer (Though I guess not in the case of the show).

PROBLEM #2: Another problem I've had has been in the "couples" angle. You hang out with a friend long enough and your wives get acquanted. Perhaps in the hope they will do more together freeing you up for what the guys want to do or whatever. Except perhaps they don't have enough in common or otherwise end up not liking each other and then suddenly what was suppose to help things ends up just making it akward to hang out at all so you eventually stop altogether.

PROBLEM #3: Another problem I have is that at least in Chicago even "work associates" that are good friends who could become better friends can live over an hour away from you even though you may work at the very same place.

PROBLEM #4: Then some friends simply move away, get transfered etc. (Or worse yet die)

The Online angle I would NEVER even think to try. Im not overly homophobic but I just can't imagine posting an add thats anything like "Male seeking other Males for friendship and..." LOL yuck.

Best advice I can give on the topic, given the subject matter of these forums, is if your in need of additional quality friends, its a perfect time to start back up with FTF boardgames (find a local wargaming club) or, if you really protest that, perhaps some sort of regular "Wargame LAN Party"

Lastly, for the truly socially inept, you can always make online friends with sword-wielding everquest fanatics. :) Actually many people in those games do meet up in real life and/or otherwise become good friends for life.



Les_the_Sarge_9_1 -> RE: OT?: Male Companionship (11/26/2006 4:47:59 AM)

To further add to my comments, in light of Veldor's #1

I DO return the favours in a variety of ways. Most of my friends have scored some very nice furniture that I can assure you would have cost them a great deal more otherwise :)

I might not return the favour of dinner out, but then I DO invite friends over for home cooking (single friends really like friends with wives that cook hehe).

My living a life of Saturdays often has some interesting benefits not immediately visible. I'm always available hehe. I have watched some films simply because my friend wanted to see it and refused to see it solo hehe.

I have my place. It's humble, but I'm the oldest among my friends, and my home is usually the most "established" ie it's always more comfortable. Sometimes my just providing a meeting place is a perk I guess. Batchelors often have totally wretched accomodations.

To address the homophobic worries, I've been in the army, it doesn't take long to lose a fear of walking around naked around a 100 or more other guys all equally stuck with each other long term.
And those in the army will know what I mean, you don't stop being "atypically" male just because you're in the army hehe.
Thus, homophobic hang ups are likely more a civilian mindset burden.

Those that know me, know I am obsessed with the female human :)
No danger misrepresenting anything that "I" say hehe



old man of the sea -> RE: OT?: Male Companionship (11/26/2006 4:59:08 AM)

baaa....

the only friend you need is a dog, everyone else comes and goes, but a dog will stay wth you until the end.

e



Veldor -> RE: OT?: Male Companionship (11/26/2006 5:07:05 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Les_the_Sarge_9_1
Thus, homophobic hang ups are likely more a civilian mindset burden.

Yep great point. So given that change that posting to "Former Military Man seeking Males for friendship..." Yes that sounds SOO much more legit :)

Regarding your other stuff, your post just reminded me of that episode and a similar situation I encountered. Im sure every situation is unique. I've not had that problem in every case. Just that I have experienced that issue. Social dynamics are weird. Especially eating out. Like most times the bill is split evenly even if your lunch/dinner etc was more. Makes sense if thats the norm for your group but what about in a case where your the light eater and you all go out and you and your wife arent all that hungry and order 1 appetizer and 1 dinner to split and the other couple goes hog wild. Should it now not be an even split? If your stuff was $15 and the other couples was $40??

Well have had differing opinions on such put dampers on friendships and the like as well.

To quote a crazy person..

"People suck. Friends are over-rated. Only family is forever." - Veldor, 11/25/2006 Matrix Games Forums




Sarge -> RE: OT?: Male Companionship (11/26/2006 5:14:43 AM)

I didn’t know what trust was till jump school , I have had a hard time reaching that level of trust in anyone ( excluding my kids) since.

E has the right idea [;)]



KG Erwin -> RE: OT?: Male Companionship (11/26/2006 5:26:39 AM)

Right, so some of you understand what I'm getting at.

How about this : your wife has a girlfriend she just made, and you get invited to dinner (she pleads, "oh, I just KNOW you and so's and so's boyfriend/husband will hit it off" ) . OK -- you're basically forced into going, and the guy turns out to be a complete stiff. I HATE getting into that sort of situation. I end up telling my wife, "what the hell is a nice girl like that doing with a jerk like what's his name?".

So, I've come to this conclusion: your typical white heterosexual male who doesn't have a life-long friend still alive or in the area is figuretively screwed.

It is both comical and tragic. For me, really, the place to take about "man stuff" has turned out to be the forums.




rhondabrwn -> RE: OT?: Male Companionship (11/26/2006 5:27:35 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: old man of the sea

baaa....

the only friend you need is a dog, everyone else comes and goes, but a dog will stay wth you until the end.

e



Yep... and that goes double for husbands. [:D]



Grotius -> RE: OT?: Male Companionship (11/26/2006 6:03:03 AM)

I still stay in touch with 3 or 4 good male friends, but I only hang out with one on a semi-regular basis, and that's not all that often. (We saw Borat last week; we correctly surmised that our wives would not be interested.) I read somewhere recently that one really does have to put in effort to keep friends, and I confess I haven't done as good a job of that in my life as I should. I tend to make a lot of friends in one phase of life, then move to another phase, make new friends, and neglect the old.

Still, having a wife and two kids keeps me from ever feeling lonely. On the contrary: I feel like I never have enough time to myself! That's probably part of the reason for drifting away from friends.



Les_the_Sarge_9_1 -> RE: OT?: Male Companionship (11/26/2006 6:50:06 AM)

Here's a good short story.

Ok, I know this couple, my age group. Known the guy for like forever it seems. Known the wife as long as dude has been married to her.

His wife is ok I suppose, but, initially we hit it off well, did the your place our place dinner get together thing for a few years.
Buddy and I would head off and do something together, wives would sit watch tv and chat.

Then one day I made an unpardonable sin, I made the error of having an anime program on the vcr. And horror of horrors, her FOURTEEN year old son witnessed a scene where an anime female appears with nothing on. Well she was annoyed (clearly has no idea what 14 years get up to). My crime, I made light of the nudity (any rational person would I thought), I basically said lighten up Lana. Well, she's at at the front door almost by fricking teleport, "informs" her pet, err I mean husband he better not be far behind her.

Poof, the woman just erases several years of illusionary friendship, and for what, about the dumbest reason for an argument I think I have ever been connected to.

A year drags by, no more meals, no more get togethers. Hell I don't even feel welcome in their bloody home. Buddy unfortunately didn't do anything to help me out.

Well I get bored wondering if I will ever actually get to hang with that friend again. I decide, screw it, I will fake it, say sorry, won't mean it one iota, but I'll mouth the words she likely will accept. And that worked.

The real story though, that woman is a bitch, and a rather weird bitch at that. I have never forgiven her for how casually she could discard a supposed close friend. I likely should not have done anything if my principles count, but, I figured, as long as things are solved for my buddy and me.

We're old woodworkers among many other things. I drop by occasionally and chew the fat about woodworking, but, it never really went back to the way it was. I can honestly say, I won't mourn her passing, she's a stranger that just happens to be married to a friend.

Sadly, my buddy though, injured our friendship all the same.
I can tell you, if my wife had behaved as the other woman had, to one of my oldest friends, she'd be definitely told if I had to date my hand for a week while she chilled out, so be it, but she'd damn well better be quick about apologizing to my friend.
But my friend let it slide, and that made him just an ordinary friend even though we have a long history. He threw away that aspect that makes a person singularly special.

REALLY good friends are rare, very rare. But, the planet is half female half male, a spouse is easy to find. Good spouses are rare though.

I expect my wife to be friendly with my friends. She can expect the same with hers. I don't require my wife to share similar interests with any significant others connected with my friends though. Handy when it happens, but not required.

Now family, hmmm some days I am more than happy to spend a holiday with my wife's side hehe. My family can often stress me out way beyond the limit I feel like tolerating hehe. I currently live a 4 hour drive from them, and we seem to get along best this way hehe.



Veldor -> RE: OT?: Male Companionship (11/26/2006 9:22:38 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Les_the_Sarge_9_1
Then one day I made an unpardonable sin, I made the error of having an anime program on the vcr. And horror of horrors, her FOURTEEN year old son witnessed a scene where an anime female appears with nothing on. Well she was annoyed (clearly has no idea what 14 years get up to). My crime, I made light of the nudity (any rational person would I thought), I basically said lighten up Lana. Well, she's at at the front door almost by fricking teleport, "informs" her pet, err I mean husband he better not be far behind her.


Im sure its no suprise that we all probably have had similar or different versions of these same stories/issues/problems arise. For me or to me the common thread in yours is first that different people have different beliefs and values. You might be as guilty of not respecting hers as she is of not respecting yours. Neither is really the "evil one" just based on that.

However the second part I've observed, and certainly applies here, is that a vast majority of parents do seriously believe they have sheltered their children successfully from the "evils" of the world. Which you and I both know is likely, though not necessarily certainly, untrue.

Most importantly, though, is that you cannot ever EVER seem to tell people how to raise or parent their kids and get away with it. I learned this the hard way several times even though I was sincerely trying to help.

Whats funny to me here is that it was essentially only cartoon nudity. So on that level alone she is most certainly a little nutty. Heck even the likes of Simpsons and Family Guy have had nudity though probably admitedly with a lot less "detail" then most anime has. :)

Now it will be all your fault when she finds that stash of Playboys under his mattress!!



JudgeDredd -> RE: OT?: Male Companionship (11/26/2006 11:12:21 AM)

I have two close freinds from the army. We served together between 1985 and 1990. One, Taff from Wales (go figure) got out in 88 and Jock from Scotland (go fig...) got out in 89 and I got out in 90. Taff moved back to Wales. Jock moved back to Scotland and I stayed in Colchester. We occasionally kept in touch and then, for some reason, Jock disappeared (never did find out why...just the "Man...things got hairy...I had to disappear!") and I lost contact with Taff. We were close friends and didn't drink unless we were together...the kind of friends that will stand back to back with you no matter what the odds.

Anyway, thanks to Taffs wife...she called and said it was Taffs 40th birthday and she arranged for me and Jock to meet up in Wales for his birthday. Well...talk about rekindeling old flames. We were back on old form...just 15 years older!

We've kept in touch ever since. Taff comes over to Colchester once a year, I go to Scotland and see jock twice a year and I travel to Wales once a year. Also, there is a 1 Squadron reunion in Colchester every August and Taff has started to go to that (I've yet to persuade Jock to do it!).

So, in quick answer to your question, KG, I have two close mates and I see no reason why that won't continue until the inevitable breaks the friendship.



Charles2222 -> RE: OT?: Male Companionship (11/26/2006 11:51:07 AM)

This is a rather 'sensitive' topic, is it not? You know, one of those more womanly sort of topics. Well chin up there KG, I find myself in the same situation, only considerably worse. You have something working for you that I do not - you are married. All of my best friends slipped away when they got married. It works like this KG. They don't see the single friend after they get married, or at least it's greatly reduced, simply because of having new responsibilities and a livein friend. That phase isn't the problem. The problems start for the single guy within 3 months to a year after that friend got married. What happens is the married guy gets all kinds of new friends, not the least of which will often be the wife's family. That pretty much leaves zero time for the single guy because he's not as interesting as the people in the same bowl of soup that the married guy is.




Charles2222 -> RE: OT?: Male Companionship (11/26/2006 11:54:47 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: old man of the sea

baaa....

the only friend you need is a dog, everyone else comes and goes, but a dog will stay wth you until the end.

e


Yeah sure, my last one went berserk (against me) and I had to put him to sleep.



Les_the_Sarge_9_1 -> RE: OT?: Male Companionship (11/26/2006 5:56:09 PM)

To the guys worried this topic sounds too girly :)

Hey, I could always go back to the usual stuff like RTS rots your brain :)

I'm glad KG opened a thread where for once we could actually discuss something tangible, that actually does have some worth.



KG Erwin -> RE: OT?: Male Companionship (11/26/2006 6:05:48 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Les_the_Sarge_9_1

To the guys worried this topic sounds too girly :)

Hey, I could always go back to the usual stuff like RTS rots your brain :)

I'm glad KG opened a thread where for once we could actually discuss something tangible, that actually does have some worth.


KG: Gee, thanks, Les. Will you be my buddy?

Les: (rolling eyes) Yeah, sure, KG -- here, grab a beer and go sit in a corner.

KG: Uh...ok...buddy.

[:'(]

PS BTW, the topic was NOT a joke. I guess I was having a "mortality moment".



Les_the_Sarge_9_1 -> RE: OT?: Male Companionship (11/26/2006 6:34:47 PM)

How to recognize a real friend in 60 seconds or less.

Ok first off you're watching the game, but it's at the friend's place, on a 40+ inch Sony grand wega HD set (definitely a good friend :)).

The beer is cold, it's not a lame brand (anything made in the US), and the best part, he bought it.

You're eating chicken wings that are awesome, and his wife just came in to ask if you're ready for desert (unfortunately she's average looking and fully clothed, come on, this is a friend :)).

If this is your view, then the dude is clearly a friend hehe.



KG Erwin -> RE: OT?: Male Companionship (11/26/2006 6:39:46 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Les_the_Sarge_9_1

How to recognize a real friend in 60 seconds or less.

Ok first off you're watching the game, but it's at the friend's place, on a 40+ inch Sony grand wega HD set (definitely a good friend :)).

The beer is cold, it's not a lame brand (anything made in the US), and the best part, he bought it.

You're eating chicken wings that are awesome, and his wife just came in to ask if you're ready for desert (unfortunately she's average looking and fully clothed, come on, this is a friend :)).

If this is your view, then the dude is clearly a friend hehe.


Sounds good to me, Les. When does the party start? [:D]



Les_the_Sarge_9_1 -> RE: OT?: Male Companionship (11/26/2006 10:36:22 PM)

What is really cool.

Is I can manage the Sony 42in Grand Wega HD TV (it's brand new too), the Beer (and it will be Canadian beer) and the chicken wings (normally 40+) but the buddy is single (the closest he has to a "wife" ain't no use to me heheh).

Likely be visiting him right after christmas in Jan for a week of atypical batchelor living.

Guy has a natural talent for fixing computers, but I am not getting anywhere convincing him to put up a shingle and go into private business. And as such he is sans female as well as a not going anywhere life.



UndercoverNotChickenSalad -> RE: OT?: Male Companionship (11/27/2006 2:03:34 AM)

I have more than just a few local friends, that if I were to win a lottery, then they just won a VERY large chunk of it too.


No doubt their only hope of ever being paid back. 



Raverdave -> RE: OT?: Male Companionship (11/27/2006 2:09:09 AM)

edit



Les_the_Sarge_9_1 -> RE: OT?: Male Companionship (11/27/2006 3:00:26 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: UndercoverNotChickenSalad

I have more than just a few local friends, that if I were to win a lottery, then they just won a VERY large chunk of it too.


No doubt their only hope of ever being paid back.


They never gave expecting to be paid back though chickenshit, that's the beauty of real friendship. Pity you don't seem to have experienced it before. But I'm sure Dogshit has your back. Actually, I've seen the way your friends all treat each other. Maybe we are describing two entirely different situations.



UndercoverNotChickenSalad -> RE: OT?: Male Companionship (11/27/2006 3:58:12 AM)

They never gave expecting to be paid back though chickenshit, that's the beauty of real friendship

Just don't take advantage as some tend to do



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