PURRsecution... Examining M4Jess's Hatred (Full Version)

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Bernie -> PURRsecution... Examining M4Jess's Hatred (1/30/2003 11:25:23 AM)

Poor Jess! His utter, total hatred of "kats" has warped him so terribly! But, how did this obsession get started? Let's examine his early childhood for some clues:

I suppose the root of the problem began with his Grandfather "M1Jess", who used to wear a cat in his beard and then torment poor M4 by hugging him and letting the cat pop out and scare him. That's his picture below:

[image]http://www.cats.alpha.pl/photos/funny/broda.jpg[/image]


Sometimes the cat would even steal poor baby M4's toys!

[image]http://www.cats.alpha.pl/photos/funny/wiaderko.jpg[/image]

Or wait for young Jess to get his morning breakfast cereal and pounce upon him from inside the cupboard!

[image]http://www.cats.alpha.pl/photos/funny/kitchen.jpg[/image]

Jess would often retaliate by taking one of the cats (his family had many) and stuffing it in the dryer on "fluff", without a static sheet!

[image]http://www.cats.alpha.pl/photos/funny/washing.jpg[/image]

This, quite naturally, ticked the cat off royally...

[image]http://www.cats.alpha.pl/photos/funny/funnylaugh.jpg[/image]

(to be continued)




Bernie -> Part 2 (1/30/2003 11:44:31 AM)

(continued)

Even Christmas, such a wonderful time of year for most children, was unhappy for poor Jess! The cats would lie in wait for him to come down and open his presents:

[img]http://www.cats.alpha.pl/photos/funny/mikolaj2.jpg[/img]
[img]http://www.cats.alpha.pl/photos/funny/tassy.jpg[/img]

Several times as an infant Jess was forced to defend himself as huge cats would try to crush his little legs with their weight!

[img]http://www.cats.alpha.pl/photos/funny/snohopy.jpg[/img]

They'd even pretend to be ghosts at night to frighten lil M4:

[img]http://www.cats.alpha.pl/photos/funny/ghost.jpg[/img]

Or sit staring at him with their evil eyes as he tried to sleep

[img]http://www.cats.alpha.pl/photos/funny/loze.jpg[/img]

When Jess reached school age, and was at last able to spend a few, precious hours in a cat free environment, they'd wait patiently for him to come home...plotting their evil plots!

[img]http://www.cats.alpha.pl/photos/funny/catline.jpg[/img]

When the cats discovered that Jess had a severe allergy to fur, they took to sleeping in his jeans, causing him to be laughed at the next day as he constantly scratched himself in public:

[img]http://www.cats.alpha.pl/photos/funny/ckkitt.jpg[/img]

They'd even steal the food off his fork when he tried to eat his dinner

[img]http://www.cats.alpha.pl/photos/funny/koryto.jpg[/img]

Even the bathtub was not safe for poor Jess, their hatred of him being even stronger than their hatred of water!

[img]http://www.cats.alpha.pl/photos/funny/wanna.jpg[/img]

(to be continued)




Bernie -> Part 3 (1/30/2003 12:23:52 PM)

(continued)

Much of the PURRsecution of M4Jess can be laid at the paws of this cat, the notorious "Godfather Cat" who, from his hideout by the window, directed his minions in their nefarious deeds.

[img]http://www.cats.alpha.pl/photos/funny/mink.jpg[/img]

He had his followers stalk poor Jess without mercy...

Hiding in the laundry

[img]http://www.cats.alpha.pl/photos/funny/gismo.jpg[/img]

On his bike

[img]http://www.cats.alpha.pl/photos/funny/biker.jpg[/img]

Inside the daily paper

[img]http://www.cats.alpha.pl/photos/funny/scorch.jpg[/img]

Poor Jess couldn't even use his litterbox...err the toilet!

[img]http://www.cats.alpha.pl/photos/funny/carmen.jpg[/img]

And these were no ordinary cats! These were trained commando cats who would sometimes train and exercise to the point of exhaustion!

[img]http://www.cats.alpha.pl/photos/funny/spacze1.jpg[/img]

(to be continued)




Bernie -> Part 4 (1/30/2003 12:34:06 PM)

(continued)

Eventually, things between Jess and the cats turned ugly...and deadly! These police photos document a meeting between one of the sub-bosses and two members of the infamous "Hiss Squad" gang of cutthroats. The end result was a plot to rewire M4's stereo to shock him when he turned it down. But the "hit cat", possibly high on refined catnip, bungled the job and was electrocuted.

[img]http://www.cats.alpha.pl/photos/funny/cattalk.jpg[/img]
[img]http://www.cats.alpha.pl/photos/funny/electric.jpg[/img]

Though the job was never pinned on any cat in particular, two members of the "Hiss Squad" did get lengthy jail time for their part in it.

[img]http://www.cats.alpha.pl/photos/funny/dudecoco.jpg[/img]

The boss of the "Hiss Squad", a cat known only as "The Goblin", was FURious and swore a blood vendetta against Jess.

[img]http://www.cats.alpha.pl/photos/funny/vampire.jpg[/img]

(to be continued)




Bernie -> Part 5 (1/30/2003 12:42:30 PM)

(continued)

Enough was enough for little Jess! After the trial he packed his bags and fled, vowing to somewhere, somehow, find a weapon that would save him from the cats and destroy them all!

But, the cats are still out there...waiting:

[img]http://www.cats.alpha.pl/funny/posted.jpg[/img]

Searching the bars and the fields

[img]http://www.cats.alpha.pl/funny/winchester1.jpg[/img]

[img]http://www.cats.alpha.pl/funny/bushes.jpg[/img]

Even scouring the Internet

[img]http://www.cats.alpha.pl/funny/hungover.jpg[/img]

Looking for M4Jess....

So, as you can see, Jess has ample reason for his complete and utter hatred of cats. But, what of his obsession with the Sherman?

NEXT: "M4"...a highway in England, or one man's road to madness?

;)




rbrunsman -> (1/30/2003 1:13:44 PM)

LOL. Bernie, I think you have waaaay too much time on your hands! :D Not that I don't believe you. Someone needs to get to the bottom of Jess' pathological dislike of the lovely kitties!




Bernie -> (1/30/2003 1:25:58 PM)

[QUOTE]Originally posted by rbrunsman
[B]LOL. Bernie, I think you have waaaay too much time on your hands! :D Not that I don't believe you. Someone needs to get to the bottom of Jess' pathological dislike of the lovely kitties! [/B][/QUOTE]

Gee...now why would you say that I have too much time on my hands? :)

As it happens, I'm on vacation from work this week, and I just finished half a pot of coffee that I thought was decaf...but wasn't...

So, I figured I'd find a funny cat picture and post something humorous about Jess...

Fortunately, or unfortunately depending on how you look at it, when I did a Google for "funny cat pictures" the very first link that came up was a site with 11 pages of pictures like these! Now, how could I NOT have some major fun with all that material? :D


It was actually the kind of stuff I do best, making up a story as I go along (I've been a writer for many years and have three books due out the end of the year or early '04).

Besides, I happen to like Jess, and I know he can appreciate a good laugh. :)




tracer -> (1/30/2003 2:14:28 PM)

*COUGH!*....*CHOKE!* :D Bernie, I think I busted a [I]gut[/I]! Folks are gonna have coffee shooting outta their noses when they see these in the morning. :D :D




Don Doom -> Too late (1/30/2003 5:18:12 PM)

I now have to go get changed for work as I snorted coffee out my nose over the keyboard and myself. lmao

Like above you need a hobby, due to toooo much time on your hands!:D :D :D :D :D




Orzel Bialy -> Bernie....this will make you famous!!! (1/30/2003 9:23:11 PM)

All I can say is this is, without a doubt, the funniest d@mned thread that I have ever seen! And the fact that it's all true just makes it even more so!!! ;)

ROTFLMFAO!!!! :D :D :D

This was the best way to start the day...thanks Bernie.




Goblin -> (1/30/2003 11:23:41 PM)

LOL! Makes me wish I could have stayed up for parts 4 and 5 last night. Very good stuff, Bernie. But the Godfather Cat thinks you may know too much....

Goblin- A Goblin is GC's 'enforcer':eek:




Hawk -> LMAO (1/31/2003 12:26:58 AM)

What change your pants? I have to change my UNDERWEAR!!!! The guys at work want to know what the Heck am i reading? Cause i'm laughing sooooohard. That was GREAT Bernie....Please give us some more.......Please.........




Bernie -> (1/31/2003 7:40:31 AM)

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Goblin
[B]LOL! Makes me wish I could have stayed up for parts 4 and 5 last night. Very good stuff, Bernie. But the Godfather Cat thinks you may know too much....

Goblin- A Goblin is GC's 'enforcer':eek: [/B][/QUOTE]

I can crop and shrink that "Goblin Cat" picture for your avatar if you want. ;)




Bernie -> Re: LMAO (1/31/2003 7:44:11 AM)

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Hawk
[B]What change your pants? I have to change my UNDERWEAR!!!! The guys at work want to know what the Heck am i reading? Cause i'm laughing sooooohard. That was GREAT Bernie....Please give us some more.......Please......... [/B][/QUOTE]

I'm working on the sequel ("M4" ...highway in England or one man's road to madness?) but for some strange reason when I do a Google for "funny M4 pictures" it doesn't find near as many shots as it did of the cats. ;)




Bernie -> Re: Bernie....this will make you famous!!! (1/31/2003 7:46:10 AM)

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Orzel Bialy
[B]All I can say is this is, without a doubt, the funniest d@mned thread that I have ever seen! And the fact that it's all true just makes it even more so!!! ;)

ROTFLMFAO!!!! :D :D :D

This was the best way to start the day...thanks Bernie. [/B][/QUOTE]

I have a feeling this one is going to end up in the HOF with some of my Top Ten lists from the past. :)




Supervisor -> (1/31/2003 8:38:18 AM)

Ahh it's nice to see that Bernie is back to his true colors and finds a way to bring welcome laughter to these forums.:D




Orzel Bialy -> I agree.... (1/31/2003 9:40:43 AM)

the laughter had grown a bit sparse recently...good to see it back and THANKS TO BERNIE ONE MORE TIME.

If there were a "Post of the Month Award"...this would be the January Winner hands down! ;)

I'm still laughing when I view this post! LOL :D




Goblin -> (1/31/2003 10:17:39 AM)

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Bernie
[B]I can crop and shrink that "Goblin Cat" picture for your avatar if you want. ;) [/B][/QUOTE]

Yes! I will proudly fly it for awhile!

Goblin




Hawk -> LOL (1/31/2003 6:38:32 PM)

I agree with Orzel...it should be post of the MONTH.




M4Jess -> And I thought you guys were (1/31/2003 7:42:39 PM)

my friends:( :confused:

LOL very good Bernie!

Payback is hell!:mad:




Jacc -> (2/1/2003 1:02:19 AM)

This thread is by far the best I've seen for some time (goddamn military service :mad: ).

Therefor, rate it 5.




Bernie -> Re: And I thought you guys were (2/1/2003 12:04:19 PM)

[QUOTE]Originally posted by M4 Jess
[B]my friends:( :confused:

LOL very good Bernie!

Payback is hell!:mad: [/B][/QUOTE]

Payback? :confused:

Don't make me sic my cat on you...:D




Bernie -> (3/17/2003 8:04:18 AM)

badda-BUMP!
;)




chief -> (3/17/2003 12:36:56 PM)

Bernie: wunnerful (laughing) wunnerful (laughing) wunnerful thank you thank you very much (still laughing).
:D :D :D :D :cool:

Encore, Encore, Bravo.
by the by what do you normally write about ???????




Irinami -> (3/17/2003 9:46:22 PM)

*LOL* Very nice work, Bernie! If my girlfriend hadn't gone to her parents' for Spring Break, she'd be giving me the weirdest looks! :D




Bernie -> (3/17/2003 11:03:54 PM)

[QUOTE]Originally posted by chief
[B]Bernie: wunnerful (laughing) wunnerful (laughing) wunnerful thank you thank you very much (still laughing).
:D :D :D :D :cool:

Encore, Encore, Bravo.
by the by what do you normally write about ??????? [/B][/QUOTE]

What do I normally write about? Err... ah....

Jeez chief, you're gonna make me blow my "rough, tough, macho, tank killing" image here... :o

Okay, okay...

I often write humor pieces for various magazines and small newspapers (under a variety of pen names) but I've also had some of my poetry published (78 poems at last count... see the book "Bytes of Poetry", edited by Alanna Webb for a sample, availible at most major book stores). I have a romance novel, "Where The Road Leads" due out in early 2004, and a series of children's books titled "Pet Shop Tales" due out by the end of this year. Quite a bit of my poetry can be found on the web, if you look hard enough. (I just did a Google search for my name and came up with 582 hits) I also used to work as a magazine editor and programmer for a major computer mag (now defunct) and still collect royalties on some of the programs and pieces of code I wrote back in the early 80's. I was also the guy who reviewed the original SP when it was first published by SSI, again for that now defunct magazine. (I think I gave it 4 stars) :)




Wild Bill -> (3/18/2003 2:09:11 AM)

Hey Jess, remind me...one week until what? :confused:




M4Jess -> (3/18/2003 3:10:13 AM)

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Wild Bill
[B]Hey Jess, remind me...one week until what? :confused: [/B][/QUOTE]

That I have to ware this **** Kat lover banner!!!:mad:




M4Jess -> (3/18/2003 3:26:12 AM)

After having a few beers and beans Bernie thought he droped his smoke...as he bent over to pick it up he pooted...only to discover the cig was still in the ashtray next to his puter....Put the beer down Bernie....put the beer down!



[IMG]http://www.thekolbegroup.org/13meltpc.jpg[/IMG]




Belisarius -> (3/18/2003 3:47:02 AM)

That case and keyboard must be made of the same stuff as Shermans! :D :D




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