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RE: CDS or RE - 11/20/2008 1:01:33 AM   
Onime No Kyo


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_____________________________

"Mighty is the Thread! Great are its works and insane are its inhabitants!" -Brother Mynok

(in reply to Cap Mandrake)
Post #: 2701
Prenups, anyone... - 11/22/2008 3:57:57 AM   
Moondawggie


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So, here's a little story about prenuptial agreements and estate planning told to me by my own DC&H-style attorney after the finalization of my own divorce dust-up:

This guy walks into a bar.

He tells the barkeep, "I have a sad story."

The Bartender says, "Tell me about it, Mac. I never heard one of those before!"

So the guy goes, "I found out I was going to inherit a fortune when my sickly father died, so I decided I needed a woman to enjoy it with.

So, one evening I went to a singles bar and I spotted the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen.

So I walked over to her.

"I may look like just an ordinary man," I said to her, "but in a few weeks, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

"She was impressed, and she went home with me that evening.

Three days later, she became my stepmother."

"Women are so much better at estate planning than men."



_____________________________

"The Yankees got all the smart ones, and look where it got them."

General George Pickett, the night before Gettysburg

(in reply to Onime No Kyo)
Post #: 2702
RE: Prenups, anyone... - 11/22/2008 3:50:19 PM   
Cap Mandrake


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A good looking 20 something guy is in a bar and a seriously well maintained early 40 something cougar comes up and says, "Hey, you have a good look, would you be into some mother-daughter action?"

The guy thinks to himself, "MAN! If she looks this good what must her daughter look like?" Naturally, he consents and they leave together. When they get to her place she suggests he make a drink. He obliges and she puts on some Brubeck. He thinks of the Lou Gehrig line, "I am the luckiest man alive".

When she is done with the CD she calls out, "MA! HE'S HERE"

(in reply to Moondawggie)
Post #: 2703
No. 896 Sqdrn, Fleet Air Arm - 11/22/2008 4:05:49 PM   
Cap Mandrake


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********Aboard HMS Victorious, XXXXXXXXXXXX, March 21, 1943*********

Cdr. Bond stands at the front of the briefing room and directs his pointer toward a diagram of the Seafire cockpit. As he points out each item the young pilots respond.

ALTIMETER!

AIR SPEED INDICATOR!

COMPASS!

MANIFOLD PRESSURE!

OIL PRESSURE!

Cdr. Bond: <smiles broadly> SPLENDID! ABSOLUTELY SPLENDID! Now let us try this. <he flips to the next diagram>

Class: ASS! <Sqdn Ldr Bond buries his face in his hands and the group begins to murmur>

Sub Lt. Crandall: No wait! I think that's a hole in the ground...........






Attachment (1)

< Message edited by Cap Mandrake -- 11/22/2008 4:22:29 PM >


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Post #: 2704
RE: No. 896 Sqdrn, Fleet Air Arm - 11/22/2008 4:17:04 PM   
Cap Mandrake


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*******Aboard HMS Victorious, after the disastrous training session****

Two Sub Lt.'s lean against a rail and have a smoke.

Sub Lt. Stevenson: Ian, I have been meaning to ask. How, exactly did you get a kill without any missions? Dewey, Cheatham and Howe?


Sub Lt. Crandall:
No mate. A nasty business in a pub. The magistrate gave me two choices, Fleet Air Arm or Air Transport Auxilliary......

(in reply to Cap Mandrake)
Post #: 2705
RE: No. 896 Sqdrn, Fleet Air Arm - 11/22/2008 4:20:16 PM   
Cap Mandrake


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The Fleet Air Arm has had almost no losses since the fight off Perth. Despite this, I go to the well one time and this is what they send, pilots with a criminal background and wet-behind-the-ear newbies who will be more of a threat to the flight deck crew than they will the Japs.

< Message edited by Cap Mandrake -- 11/22/2008 4:24:04 PM >

(in reply to Cap Mandrake)
Post #: 2706
Situation: Siam and Burma - 11/22/2008 4:44:08 PM   
Cap Mandrake


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*******Sitrep Siam and Burma: March 21, 1943*********

The Burma Railway is now clear of Japs all the way from Myitkyina to 60 mi. NW of Rahaeng. As Rangoon is now secure, construction engineers have been dispatched to repair to destroyed harbour facilities. The Japs have reiforced Bangkok. There are now over 20 units there with at least one combat brigade. Rahaeng is held firmly by 2 2/3 Indian divisions and an Indian Tank Brigade. Over 100,000 (5 divisions and 500 tanks) Japs have crossed the Salween at Rahaeng but are unable to dislodge the defenders (apparently due to poor supply status). Without resupply, their only hope is to infiltrate around the defenders to the East toward Luang Prabang throught the mountains or SE through the jungle toward Pisanuloke. To counter this escape option, I have ordered the Indian Tank Brigade at Rahaeng first Southwest..then East across the river to cut off the route to Pisanuloke. I can't yet do anything about the route to Luang Prabang. I dare not attack yet as , if the attack succeeds, they will likely retreat to the SE and escape. Too bad Eisenhower is hogging all the airborne troops.

(in reply to Cap Mandrake)
Post #: 2707
Aru Island - 11/22/2008 5:10:30 PM   
Cap Mandrake


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********Aru Island Airfield (under construction), March 21, 1943******

Col. Irvine hops out of his jeep before it has even stopped and fairly runs up to the young Lt. in charge of an engineering crew. There is a large stack of corrugated, zinc-plated drainge pipe and a large crew excavating a trench across the runway.

Col. Irvine: Lt., WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? FILL THAT BACK IN AND GET THIS DAMN PIPE OUT OF HERE.

Lt. Browbeaten: But sir, the plans call for 12 inches of pea gravel, twin 18 inch corrugated and a cap of 36 inches of compacted clay.

Col. Irvine: THOSE ARE THE OLD PLANS, LT.! IF WE STOP ******* AROUND, WE CAN HAVE THIS THING DONE BEFORE THE SPCA SENDS ANOTHER **** ****. NOW, GET THAT CRAP OFF MY RUNWAY. <he walks over to the plan table and draws a big, red "x" over the drainage plans..in the margin he writes "FLAT, JUST ******* FLAT"...he turns to a sentry nearby>

YOU THERE! I DON'T WANT THAT BRAUN WOMAN ANYWHERE AROUND HERE. IS THAT CLEAR?.........


**********************

Meawhile, Operation Inchworm is on hold pending completion of the runway. The Japs have abandoned Babo airfield for now but have major fighter forces and at least 50 Bettys at Amboina. It is hard to hide 450 aircraft, 120+ ships and 150,000 troops at Darwin.

(in reply to Cap Mandrake)
Post #: 2708
RE: Aru Island - 11/23/2008 5:06:37 AM   
Onime No Kyo


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Ooooooh, he'll be sooooory................

_____________________________

"Mighty is the Thread! Great are its works and insane are its inhabitants!" -Brother Mynok

(in reply to Cap Mandrake)
Post #: 2709
RE: No. 896 Sqdrn, Fleet Air Arm - 11/23/2008 5:08:26 AM   
Onime No Kyo


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Cap Mandrake

The Fleet Air Arm has had almost no losses since the fight off Perth. Despite this, I go to the well one time and this is what they send, pilots with a criminal background and wet-behind-the-ear newbies who will be more of a threat to the flight deck crew than they will the Japs.


Have you considered that the smart FAA pilots have gotten themselves transferred to someplace where they might actually see women while you wernt looking?

_____________________________

"Mighty is the Thread! Great are its works and insane are its inhabitants!" -Brother Mynok

(in reply to Cap Mandrake)
Post #: 2710
RE: No. 896 Sqdrn, Fleet Air Arm - 11/23/2008 3:56:55 PM   
Cap Mandrake


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Onime No Kyo

Have you considered that the smart FAA pilots have gotten themselves transferred to someplace where they might actually see women while you wernt looking?


Transfered to where, Gibraltar

I realize Ceylon is not San Diego or Hawaii or Fiji or Perth or even Bremerton, but it is a beautiful place and the women are very freindly.






Attachment (1)

(in reply to Onime No Kyo)
Post #: 2711
RE: No. 896 Sqdrn, Fleet Air Arm - 11/24/2008 11:47:02 AM   
Onime No Kyo


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I rest my case. 

_____________________________

"Mighty is the Thread! Great are its works and insane are its inhabitants!" -Brother Mynok

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Post #: 2712
RE: Prenups, anyone... - 11/25/2008 4:46:58 AM   
witpqs


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Cap Mandrake

...

When she is done with the CD she calls out, "MA! HE'S HERE"


Wife loved that one and came back with one she just heard:

A long married couple is present for the husband's day in court after he got caught foolishly shoplifting a can of peaches.

"How many peaches were in that can you stole?" asked the judge.

"Eight, I believe, Your Honor."

"I sentence you to eight weeks in the county jail. That's one for each peach in that can."

The man's wife stands up. "Your Honor, he stole a can of peas, too."

(in reply to Cap Mandrake)
Post #: 2713
English Common Law - 11/25/2008 7:35:09 PM   
Cap Mandrake


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quote:

ORIGINAL: witpqs

....
The man's wife stands up. "Your Honor, he stole a can of peas, too."


There is a long tradition in the English common law that a man's wife
cannot be compelled to testify against him. Of course, if she volunteers....

***********Sitrep, Burma and Siam, March 23, 1943************

More Burma Area Army stragglers crossed the Salween at Rahaeng, suffering heavy losses but also disrupting the planned move of 254th Indian tank brigade to the SW. With a break in the weather, RAF heavies from Chandpur hit Jap troop concentrations near Rahaeng hoping to slow their escape. 7th Armoured and the two fresh Indian Divisions (3rd and 44th) recently landed at Moulemein have now closed on the BAA rearguard just north of Rahaeng and should be able to brush them aside today, opening a rail link from Rangoon to Rahaeng.

A single Jap unit has advanced on the 26th Indian Div. guarding the road from Tavoy to Bangkok. 26th will counterattack today.

The Jap defenders of Lashio are getting pounded by RAF and UAAF medium bombers from Impahl. Opening the Burma Road from the Lashio terminus appears the easiest route.

110 USAAF heavy bombers now stationed at Moulemein pounded Andaman Island with the first break in the weather for a week. 60 Jap bombers (Sallys and Helens) and Jacks were destroyed on the ground to the loss of 2 B-24's. That should be the end of the Andaman nuisance for a bit.

_____________________________


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Post #: 2714
RE: English Common Law - 11/25/2008 11:54:53 PM   
Onime No Kyo


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What do you mean "if"?

_____________________________

"Mighty is the Thread! Great are its works and insane are its inhabitants!" -Brother Mynok

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Post #: 2715
Where in the world is Lt. Uppington-Smyth? - 11/27/2008 5:04:27 PM   
Cap Mandrake


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Right here. I found him with Google




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(in reply to Onime No Kyo)
Post #: 2716
RE: Where in the world is Lt. Uppington-Smyth? - 11/27/2008 5:36:18 PM   
Cap Mandrake


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***********With 251 Coy, RE, 40 Mi. S of Mandalay, March 23, 1943(b)********


A dusty Bren carrier pulls to a stop. A young Royal Engineer Lt. with a tragically disfigured face stands up in the seat and speaks to a communication crew stringing line.


Young Royal Engineer Lt. with a tragically disfigured face:
I say, Private. Can you direct us to the beleaguered 7th Armoured?

Private: Beleaguered?

Young Royal Engineer Lt. with a tragically disfigured face: Yes, beleaguered as in set upon or troubled.

Private: Oh yes sir. I know what beleaguered means.

Young Royal Engineer Lt. with a tragically disfigured face: And?

Private:And what, sir?

Young Royal Engineer Lt. with a tragically disfigured face: And... where is the brigade? Where is the beleaguered 7th Armoured, Private? Men are dying, soldier.

Private: They are, sir?

Young Royal Engineer Lt. with a tragically disfigured face: Look damnit! I'll make this simple. You've heard of 7th Armoured, haven't you?

Private: Oh yes sir! Heroes of North Africa they are, sir.

Young Royal Engineer Lt. with a tragically disfigured face: Splendid! Now we are getting somewhere! Please tell me then, where are the beleaguered heroes of North Africa.

Private: I'm afraid I can't say, sir.

Young Royal Engineer Lt. with a tragically disfigured face: <pinches nose> Why is that, Private?

Private: Well sir, I can't say I have ever heard of Beleaguered 7th Armoured.

Young Royal Engineer Lt. with a tragically disfigured face: But you just told of their heroics in North Africa.

Private: Oh, you mean 7th Armoured then? Why didn't you just say so sir?

Young Royal Engineer Lt. with a tragically disfigured face: YES, YES, YES! That's them! Where are they, Private.

Private: Well, sir, last I heard they were in Siam.

Young Royal Engineer Lt. with a tragically disfigured face: SIAM? OH DEAR GOD! <turns to his driver> SGT. WE ARE TOO LATE. THEY ARE ALL POW'S!

Private: POW's sir? That is not what I heard. Try Rahaeng, sir.

Young Royal Engineer Lt. with a tragically disfigured face: Rahaeng?

Private: Yes, Rangoon, then make a left.

Young Royal Engineer Lt. with a tragically disfigured face: Splenid, Private! Splenid war we are having, isn't it?

Private:Yes sir, splendid. <column begins to pull away and the Private turns to his squadmates> Excitiable type, that Lt. Still, can't blame him after what teh Jap's did to his face....

(in reply to Cap Mandrake)
Post #: 2717
Jap Counter-Offensive - 11/27/2008 7:11:41 PM   
Cap Mandrake


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In a well-coordinated counterattack, Jap forces are pushing up from the Kra Peninsula and Bangkok.

The attack of 26th Indian runs into roughtly 3 division equivalents moving up from Bandou and planned air support is cancelled due to weather. The outcome is predictable. Quite possibly, the Japs will attack on the next day and may well succeed. Help is one the way down the coast road but it will be at least 2 days for the lead unit to arrive. The two fresh Indian divisions near Rahaeng are ordered to Tavoy.




Attachment (1)

(in reply to Onime No Kyo)
Post #: 2718
RE: Jap Counter-Offensive - 11/27/2008 8:29:30 PM   
BrucePowers


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Things are getting interesting.........

(in reply to Cap Mandrake)
Post #: 2719
Infiltrators - 11/29/2008 11:46:59 PM   
Cap Mandrake


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Infiltration always seemed kind of unsporting to me. The scale of infiltration in Northern Siam is breathtaking.

There are now 110,000 Japs across the Salween sneaking around on jungle an mountain trails. That would be bad news for any lizards or spiders they come across. 7th Armoured is one hex to the NE, pursuing the Jap rearguard toward Luang Prabang.

Lashio now has two Jap divisions retreated from their Burma Road offensive. The single Allied brigade at Lashio will have to wait for help or for some air support.

Allied air from Tavoy and Moulmein concentrated on the Jap offensive on the Bangkok/Singapore railway. No Jap attack today. That is good. More time for reinforcements to arrive.

Here is the situation about Rahaeng (aka Pak in modern usage..there is more than one place called Rahaeng in Thailand}. You can see what the real geography is like. It appears substantially different from the game map which is distorted by the projection.




Attachment (1)

< Message edited by Cap Mandrake -- 11/29/2008 11:52:03 PM >

(in reply to Onime No Kyo)
Post #: 2720
RE: Where in the world is Lt. Uppington-Smyth? - 11/30/2008 1:27:17 PM   
rtrapasso


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quote:

Private:Yes sir, splendid. <column begins to pull away and the Private turns to his squadmates> Excitiable type, that Lt. Still, can't blame him after what teh Jap's did to his face....



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Post #: 2721
RE: Where in the world is Lt. Uppington-Smyth? - 12/2/2008 12:58:34 AM   
Onime No Kyo


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quote:

ORIGINAL: rtrapasso

quote:

Private:Yes sir, splendid. <column begins to pull away and the Private turns to his squadmates> Excitiable type, that Lt. Still, can't blame him after what teh Jap's did to his face....





I think I missed the setup to that joke.

_____________________________

"Mighty is the Thread! Great are its works and insane are its inhabitants!" -Brother Mynok

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Post #: 2722
RE: Where in the world is Lt. Uppington-Smyth? - 12/2/2008 5:23:12 AM   
bradfordkay

 

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Something about his "google eyes", I think... 

_____________________________

fair winds,
Brad

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Post #: 2723
RE: Where in the world is Lt. Uppington-Smyth? - 12/2/2008 10:04:19 AM   
rtrapasso


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Onime No Kyo


quote:

ORIGINAL: rtrapasso

quote:

Private:Yes sir, splendid. <column begins to pull away and the Private turns to his squadmates> Excitiable type, that Lt. Still, can't blame him after what teh Jap's did to his face....





I think I missed the setup to that joke.


Start here:
http://www.matrixgames.com/forums/fb.asp?m=1957260
then here:
http://www.matrixgames.com/forums/fb.asp?m=1957827

(in reply to Onime No Kyo)
Post #: 2724
PDB - 12/2/2008 5:08:15 PM   
Cap Mandrake


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********Presidential Daily Briefing, White House, March 24, 1943******

Secretary with ample bosom over intercom: Mr. President, it is General Marshall and Admiral King here for your PDB.

Tall, patrician-looking guy: PDB? Shouldn't the doctor do that? By the way, find me a doctor with smaller fingers next time. That last guy was a gorilla and I don't mean the kind that lives in the jungle and ambushes the Japs, either.

Secretary with ample bosom over intercom: Oh..no sir, PDB means Presidential Daily Briefing.

Tall, patrician-looking guy:Oh, why didn't you say so? And how many times do I have to tell you people to stop using those abbreviation things....what do you call them?

Secretary with ample bosom over intercom: Acronyms sir?

Tall, patrician-looking guy: Yeah that's it..acronyms. Take a memo...no Presidential Directive...what am I up to?

Secretary with ample bosom over intercom: 10124, Mr. President.

Tall, patrician-looking guy: Good...I....blah, blah, blah..do hereby order that everybody..and that includes the Army, the Navy, those guys in Congress..blah, blah, blah..everybody, just put in the usual stuff..I hereby order that they stop forthwith...blah, blah, blah...all use of those abbreviation thingys..signed..balh, blah, blah. Just dress it up and get it back to me later today, OK?

Secretary with ample bosom over intercom: Yes, sir, Mr. President. And what about the Admiral and the General, sir?

Tall, patrician-looking guy: Oh, send them in...and Ms. Goodhead, what are you wearing today?

Secretary with ample bosom over intercom: <lowers her voice>
Why it's that cashmere sweater you bought me for Christmas, Mr. President.

Tall, patrician-looking guy: With brasierre or without?

Secretary with ample bosom over intercom:Without, sir.

Tall, patrician-looking guy: SPLENDID!..Oh...and Ms. Goodhead, get one of those Philippino guys in the kitchen to move a couple of hams out of the walk-in fridge, I'll meet you there in 30 minutes.

Secretary with ample bosom over intercom:Yes, Mr. President. I'll send in the General and the Admiral now.

<Admiral King and General Marshall enter the room. They are embarrased to find him with his shirt partly open and one hand in his armpit. The tall, patricain-looking guy metions them in>>

Tall, patrician-looking guy:No, no, come in guys. Watch this. <he begins to pump his arm up and down while repositioning his opposite hand in the inviting resonant space. His face contorts wildy with the effort. A faintly familiar "melody" is heard by all>

What do you think, guys. It was Batch.

General Marshall: Don't you mean Bakh, Mr. President?

Tall, patrician-looking guy:Never heard of him, General.

General Marshall: No sir, I mean it's pronounced Bakh

Tall, patrician-looking guy: Well, it looks like Batch to me. Why doesn't he just spell it with a "k" or something. I hate silly names.

General Marshall: He was German, sir.

Tall, patrician-looking guy: A Kraut? I hate Krauts. Why didn't somebody tell me? I don't want to hear any more Kraut music in the White House, is that clear?

Admiral King: Yes sir. No Kraut music sir. Sir, we do have an important bit of information this morning. I thought we might start with that. It seems Japanese radio traffic strongly suggests
a coup d'etat in the Japanese high command.

Tall, patrician-looking guy: A what?

Admiral King: A coup d'etat, sir.

Tall, patrician-looking guy: A what?

Admiral King:<shows the other man the written briefing> One of these sir.

Tall, patrician-looking guy: Oh, a coop dee eetaht. Jeez, can't you guys speak English?.....


< Message edited by Cap Mandrake -- 12/2/2008 5:15:36 PM >

(in reply to Onime No Kyo)
Post #: 2725
Famous - 12/2/2008 5:13:54 PM   
Cap Mandrake


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Lt. Uppington-Smyth is famous.


Type in Lt. Uppington-Smyth in a Google search.

(in reply to Onime No Kyo)
Post #: 2726
With the 2nd of the 81st - 12/2/2008 7:56:01 PM   
Cap Mandrake


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From: Southern California
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*******Encamptment of the 2nd of the 81st Philippino Army Division, Vitu Levu, March 25, 1943(b)**********


A small group of thatched huts sit on stilts in a beautiful lagoon. 2 1/2 dozen brown-skinned men sit idly against the huts. All, save a few, are shirtless and all have cut-off fatigues as shorts. A dozen M1's lie in a heap, rusting in the tropical humidity. A man in a threadbare Philippino Army officer's uniform approaches. He pushes a small handcart with rectangular frames.

Maj. Quimbo: MEN! I have great news. I have contracted with a private seaplane operator to get us to Darwin. To raise the necessary fare we need only to "move" a few of these beautiful original Gaugin's......

(in reply to Cap Mandrake)
Post #: 2727
RE: With the 2nd of the 81st - 12/2/2008 8:03:47 PM   
Cap Mandrake


Posts: 23184
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From: Southern California
Status: offline
These poor guys




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Post #: 2728
RE: Where in the world is Lt. Uppington-Smyth? - 12/3/2008 12:44:20 AM   
Onime No Kyo


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quote:

ORIGINAL: bradfordkay

Something about his "google eyes", I think... 


Doh! Sorry. I'm just not very quick.

_____________________________

"Mighty is the Thread! Great are its works and insane are its inhabitants!" -Brother Mynok

(in reply to bradfordkay)
Post #: 2729
RE: With the 2nd of the 81st - 12/3/2008 8:19:29 AM   
tabpub


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Cap Mandrake

These poor guys




Hey now!! I did get them 1/2 of the way to to Darwin or wherever their buddies are located these days...give me some time, I am sure that I have a damaged AK laying around there that needs some port time in Aussieland. I'll throw them on board and they can pay their way by stripping paint all the way from Suva to Sydney.

_____________________________

Sing to the tune of "Man on the Flying Trapeze"
..Oh! We fly o'er the treetops with inches to spare,
There's smoke in the cockpit and gray in my hair.
The tracers look fine as a strafin' we go.
But, brother, we're TOO God damn low...

(in reply to Cap Mandrake)
Post #: 2730
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