Cap Mandrake
Posts: 23184
Joined: 11/15/2002 From: Southern California Status: offline
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*****Drinking establishment, Sydney, April 27, 1942****** Young man in silk Hawaiian shirt: From what I hear, supplies are starting to get tight in La Foa. Hirsute USAAF Officer: That is a good thing. The color of scarcity is green and it has pictures of dead Presidents on it. Young man in silk Hawaiian shirt: Goddamnit Yossarian, you crazy SOB! That is brilliant! Can I use it? Hirsute USAAF Officer: Go ahead, you made it up. Besides, I am pretty sure the 90th is going to New Scotland. You are supposed to say "New Scotland and New Perth and New Edinburgh", by the way. Young man in silk Hawaiian shirt: The Japs aren't going to fall for that. "New Scotland" means the same thing as "New Hebrides". What kind of code word is that? Christ, Ito-san could probably figure that out and they guy hardly speaks Engrish. Hirsute USAAF Officer: Don't you want to get promoted? Young man in silk Hawaiian shirt: <thinks for a bit> No, not really. Hirsute USAAF Officer: Well, you could at least keep the secret so you could sell it to them later. Young man in silk Hawaiian shirt: Goddamn it, Yossarian! That is brilliant! "New Scotland" it is! Hirsute USAAF Officer:<after a pause> I want to get promoted. Young man in silk Hawaiian shirt: Bull ****, Yossarian, you crazy, SOB. You do not. Hirsute USAAF Officer: Oh yes I do. I am going for General. Young man in silk Hawaiian shirt: Phhht. Yossarian, you crazy, megalomanic SOB. You aren't going to make General. Hirsute USAAF Officer: I made Captain, didn't I? Young man in silk Hawaiian shirt: Well, there is a war on you crazy SOB. You fly 15 missions and don't get killed and you will make Captain in the USAAF as long as you don't drool too bad on your uniform. Hirsute USAAF Officer: I made Captain after 14 missions. Young man in silk Hawaiian shirt: Well, well, well. You are a regular George Armstrong Custer, Yossarian. Why do you wan't to be General, Yossarian? You do know what happened to Custer, don't you? Stick with me, I'll make your rich. Hirsute USAAF Officer: I tried that. I always end up owning warrants to purchase a 2/3rd stake along with 50 other "investors" in some future golf course in Java or something. I want to make General instead. They always have the best cars, the best looking women and hot showers too. Look, Milo, it's like this. I tried cynnicism and sabotage. It doesn't work. The US Army was founded by guys just like me. They are on to me. I tried the Rabbi's Golden Rule. That doesn' work either. Instead, I am going to volunteer for every dangerous mission I can. I am going to have so many Godamned medals they will have to hire native bearer to cart the damn things around. They will HAVE to promote me because it will be embarrasing to have a guy around with so many Goddamned medals. Young man in silk Hawaiian shirt: Yossarian, you are crazy, you crazy SOB. Hirsute USAAF Officer: Yes. I would have to be crazy to volunteer for all those missions....unless, I knew I was immortal. Young man in silk Hawaiian shirt: HAHAHAHHAAHAHAHA! Yossarian, you crazy SOB. You are the craziest SOB I have ever known. Hirsute USAAF Officer: Sure, laugh now, Milo, you crazy SOB. You won't think it is so funny when I don't get killled. Young man in silk Hawaiian shirt: HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAH. "Don't get killed". HAHAHAHAH. Yossarian, you are killing me you crazy, hilarious SOB! Hirsute USAAF Officer: Milo, you crazy ass SOB, YOU tried to kill me several times yourself and failed. Young man in silk Hawaiian shirt: I did not try to kill you you crazy SOB. Hirsute USAAF Officer: Oh yes you did. One time you put a recapped tire on a P-40 I was flying and one time you took all the wire out of the Goddamned de-icing circuits on my B-25 and you left a Goddmaned IOU note, you crazy SOB. And then there was the time you painted the bottom of my plane bright pink. Young man in silk Hawaiian shirt: An IOU note? I left an IOU note? I guess I am getting soft. Still, I am sure I wasn't trying to kill you, Yossarian. Hirsute USAAF Officer: It sure looked that way to me at the time, but that point is you DIDN'T kill me. You weren't able to kill me because I am immortal. Young man in silk Hawaiian shirt: And what about the Japs? I LIKE you Yossarian, you crazy SOB, but what about the Japs? Have you thought about the Japs? Hirsute USAAF Officer: Oh, yes. They try to kill me more often than you do and they fail every time. They shot off the bottom of by boot once. They shot two of my copilots. They killed so many poor kids name Snowden I have lost count. One time I flew a run at 100 ft off the deck into a Goddamned Jap cruiser group and Japs tried their damndest to kill me that time, but I am still here. Hell, I almost forgot, one time Ito tried to torpedo me. I AM IMMORTAL! there is no other rational conclusion. Young man in silk Hawaiian shirt: Yossarian, you are serious about this, aren't you, you crazy SOB? What about the other men on your plane? Are they immortal? Hirsute USAAF Officer: I am working on that. I think they merely need to have my level of certainty. I am going to give them a pep talk before the naval attack training mission today. Young man in silk Hawaiian shirt: A "pep talk" on being immortal? Hirsute USAAF Officer: Well...yeah...I guess you could say that. Young man in silk Hawaiian shirt: Let me know how that turns out, Yossarian, you crazy immortal SOB.......
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