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A competition to make other forumites smile despite international events of the unfortunate kind

 
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A competition to make other forumites smile despite int... - 11/15/2015 3:35:36 AM   
geofflambert


Posts: 14863
Joined: 12/23/2010
From: St. Louis
Status: offline 		I know that this forum cannot be an outlet for the anger all of us feel about recent incidents. I also know that keeping rage in is not healthy.
I also know that many of us come to this forum to escape serious and disturbing things we are exposed to elsewhere.
I thought I could start a thread which likely won't last long but could give us at this time a refuge, a place to laugh or a place to groan. Here is my initial entry. You will be scoring points with your entries and whoever wins will be all of us.

I'm not sure what purchase this will have outside the US, you may be scratching your heads, but here it is:

Do you know what the French use to stick stuff together?


Liquid Snails.


Do you know what happens the day after you eat bratwurst?


You pass mustard.


I can now save you the energy of tapping out a few comments on your keyboard. Booooooo! Hisssss!

_____________________________
Post #: 1
RE: A competition to make other forumites smile despite... - 11/15/2015 11:47:57 AM   
tocaff


Posts: 4781
Joined: 10/12/2006
From: USA now in Brasil
Status: offline

_____________________________

Todd

I never thought that doing an AAR would be so time consuming and difficult.
www.matrixgames.com/forums/tm.asp?m=2080768

(in reply to geofflambert)
Post #: 2
RE: A competition to make other forumites smile despite... - 11/15/2015 1:30:02 PM   
Zorch

 

Posts: 7087
Joined: 3/7/2010
Status: offline 		Famous Roman with a cold? Julius Sneezer.

Biggest moving job in history? Wheeling, West Virginia.

(in reply to tocaff)
Post #: 3
RE: A competition to make other forumites smile despite... - 11/15/2015 2:59:18 PM   
dcpollay


Posts: 532
Joined: 11/22/2012
From: Upstate New York USA
Status: offline 		A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink. He asks the bartender, "How much?"

The bartender replies, "For you? No charge!"

_____________________________

"It's all according to how your boogaloo situation stands, you understand."

Formerly known as Colonel Mustard, before I got Slitherine Syndrome.

(in reply to Zorch)
Post #: 4
RE: A competition to make other forumites smile despite... - 11/15/2015 8:26:26 PM   
geofflambert


Posts: 14863
Joined: 12/23/2010
From: St. Louis
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: tocaff




here's what inspired the first one





It's still stupid. I'm an expert on that.

Attachment (1)

< Message edited by geofflambert -- 11/15/2015 9:27:21 PM >

_____________________________



(in reply to tocaff)
Post #: 5
RE: A competition to make other forumites smile despite... - 11/15/2015 10:48:33 PM   
Encircled


Posts: 2024
Joined: 12/30/2010
From: Northern England
Status: offline 		The insects challenge the birds to a football (soccer) match.

First half, its a bit of a nightmare for the insects as they are 11-0 down, and at half time they bring in a millipede.

He's outstanding, completely changes the game and scores all twelve goals as the insects go on to win 12-11.

After the game, the birds ask him "Why the hell where you not playing from the start, you were brilliant"

The millipede shrugs and says "well, it took me the whole first half to get my football boots on"

_____________________________


(in reply to geofflambert)
Post #: 6
RE: A competition to make other forumites smile despite... - 11/16/2015 2:37:57 AM   
CaptBeefheart


Posts: 2301
Joined: 7/4/2003
From: Seoul, Korea
Status: offline 		Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy
bar after another.

After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said,

"Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will
give you acne, rot your teeth, make you fat."

Little Johnny replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years
old."

The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"

Little Johnny answered, "No, he minded his own f-ing business!"

Cheers,
CC

_____________________________

Beer, because barley makes lousy bread.

(in reply to Encircled)
Post #: 7
RE: A competition to make other forumites smile despite... - 11/16/2015 2:47:38 AM   
geofflambert


Posts: 14863
Joined: 12/23/2010
From: St. Louis
Status: offline 		The quality of the competition is improving.

_____________________________



(in reply to CaptBeefheart)
Post #: 8
RE: A competition to make other forumites smile despite... - 11/16/2015 9:05:40 AM   
wdolson

 

Posts: 10398
Joined: 6/28/2006
From: Near Portland, OR
Status: offline 		A guy walked into a bar... and said "Ouch"

_____________________________

WitP AE - Test team lead, programmer

(in reply to geofflambert)
Post #: 9
RE: A competition to make other forumites smile despite... - 11/16/2015 3:38:05 PM   
RedLancer


Posts: 4314
Joined: 11/16/2005
From: UK
Status: offline 		What's orange and sounds like a parrot.........a carrot.

_____________________________

John
WitE2 Asst Producer
WitE & WitW Dev

(in reply to wdolson)
Post #: 10
RE: A competition to make other forumites smile despite... - 11/16/2015 4:21:05 PM   
Puhis


Posts: 1737
Joined: 11/30/2008
From: Finland
Status: offline 		Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says, "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence; then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says, "OK, now what?

(in reply to RedLancer)
Post #: 11
RE: A competition to make other forumites smile despite... - 11/16/2015 4:47:35 PM   
Zorch

 

Posts: 7087
Joined: 3/7/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Red Lancer

What's orange and sounds like a parrot.........a carrot.

What's brown and sounds like a bell? Dung!

(in reply to RedLancer)
Post #: 12
RE: A competition to make other forumites smile despite... - 11/16/2015 6:09:16 PM   
Lecivius


Posts: 4845
Joined: 8/5/2007
From: Denver
Status: offline 		Two guys from LA would go elk hunting every year in Colorado without success. Year after year, they hunted and hunted, but always came home without an elk.

Finally they came up with a foolproof plan. They rented a very authentic cow elk costume and learned the mating call of a cow elk. The plan was to hide inside the costume, lure in a bull elk, then come out of the costume, surprising the elk before shooting it.

So, they set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, (in their costume), and gave the elk love call. Before long their call was answered by a large bull elk roaming around the edge of the forest. They called again, and the elk answered closer to them. They called again, and the elk answered, then came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. As the elk's pounding hoof beats got closer the guy in front said, "OK, let's get out and get him".

After a moment the guy in the back shouts: "THE ZIPPER IS STUCK, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?!"

The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you better brace yourself!"

(in reply to Zorch)
Post #: 13
RE: A competition to make other forumites smile despite... - 11/16/2015 7:42:27 PM   
littleike

 

Posts: 159
Joined: 10/3/2007
Status: offline 		Two guys decided to go hunting birds, so they took guns, munitions, the dog and started hunting.
After many hours without having hunt nothing one said to the other:
After so many hours we have not took a single bird. I am sure we mistake something!
I agree said the other; maybe we do not throw the dog enough high.

(in reply to Lecivius)
Post #: 14
RE: A competition to make other forumites smile despite... - 11/16/2015 8:05:10 PM   
Zigurat666


Posts: 374
Joined: 9/26/2008
Status: offline 		Translate the following newfie slang

M R Snakes
M R Not
O S A R
C D B D ii

scroll down for answer












Them are snakes
No theyre not
Oh yes they are
See the beady eyes??

< Message edited by Zigurat666 -- 11/16/2015 9:36:43 PM >

(in reply to littleike)
Post #: 15
RE: A competition to make other forumites smile despite... - 11/16/2015 8:32:41 PM   
Panjack

 

Posts: 401
Joined: 7/12/2009
From: Southern California
Status: offline 		A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go hunting. They see a deer, a quite oblivious deer mind you, in the far distance.

The physicist takes the first shot, but his bullet travels 2 feet too low because in his calculations he assumed he was shooting in a vacuum. The engineer shoots next, but her bullet sails 2 feet too high because she over-compensated for air resistance. The engineer turns to the statistician and says, “It’s your turn to shoot.”

The statistician smiles and says, “No need to shoot again. We got it!”

(in reply to Zigurat666)
Post #: 16
RE: A competition to make other forumites smile despite... - 11/16/2015 9:13:48 PM   
zuluhour


Posts: 5244
Joined: 1/20/2011
From: Maryland
Status: offline 		My wife liked that one Bill

an old one




Attachment (1)

< Message edited by zuluhour -- 11/16/2015 10:15:03 PM >

(in reply to wdolson)
Post #: 17
RE: A competition to make other forumites smile despite... - 11/16/2015 9:14:08 PM   
Chickenboy


Posts: 24520
Joined: 6/29/2002
From: San Antonio, TX
Status: offline 		Guy goes in to see his dentist.

Patient: Doc, ya gotta help me. I'm having a massive problem with my dental implants.

Dentist: [removes and examines patient's upper dental plate] My goodness! This is filled with holes! It's like it's been etched with acid or something. What on Earth are you eating?

Patient: [thinks for a while] Well, it could be the eggs Benedict, I suppose. I love 'em. Can't get enough. Sometimes I'll have them two or three times a day, doc.

Dentist: [ponders] Well...it could be the hollandaise. There's a fair amount of lemon used in producing that. If that's the case, I'll have to replace your existing enameled plate with one that's entirely chromed.

Patient: Chrome? Why chrome?

Dentist: Because everyone knows-there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.



_____________________________


(in reply to Panjack)
Post #: 18
RE: A competition to make other forumites smile despite... - 11/16/2015 9:16:00 PM   
zuluhour


Posts: 5244
Joined: 1/20/2011
From: Maryland
Status: offline 		owch! that hurt

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Wairarapa
He shot and
dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a
fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his
tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now
I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over
here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in New
Zealand and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take
everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle
disputes in North Wairarapa. We settle small disagreements like this with
the 'Three Kick Rule.'"

The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to
go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on
back and forth until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he
could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the
attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot
into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!

His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his
mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear
end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and remaining strength and very
slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his
jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."
(I love this part)

The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."












< Message edited by zuluhour -- 11/16/2015 10:20:15 PM >

(in reply to Chickenboy)
Post #: 19
RE: A competition to make other forumites smile despite... - 11/16/2015 9:23:41 PM   
zuluhour


Posts: 5244
Joined: 1/20/2011
From: Maryland
Status: offline 		ahh one more for the road

An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers. The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone.



An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more.

This happens yet again.

The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers.

Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town. “I don’t mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers.”

‘Tis odd, isn’t it?” the man replies, “You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America, and the other to Australia. We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond.”

The bartender and soon the whole town was pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink.

Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening – he orders only two beers. The word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers.

The next day, the bartender says to the man, “Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know-the two beers and all”

The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, “You’ll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well It’s just that I, meself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent.”



(in reply to zuluhour)
Post #: 20
RE: A competition to make other forumites smile despite... - 11/16/2015 9:34:10 PM   
Trugrit


Posts: 947
Joined: 7/14/2014
From: North Carolina
Status: offline
A burglar breaks into a home and is greeted by a voice that says "Jesus is watching you!"
He shines his flashlight around and finds no one.

He takes another step to hear "Jesus is watching you!"
This time he shines the light to discover a parrot in a cage.
He asks, "Was that you talking?"
The parrot answers "Yes."
The burglar asks, "What is your name?"
The parrot replies, "Clarence."

The burglar asks, "What idiot named you Clarence?"
The parrot replies, "The same idiot that named the Doberman Jesus."


(in reply to zuluhour)
Post #: 21
RE: A competition to make other forumites smile despite... - 11/16/2015 10:09:52 PM   
dcpollay


Posts: 532
Joined: 11/22/2012
From: Upstate New York USA
Status: offline 		A dyslexic man walked into a bra.



Two antennas met on a roof ... fell in love and got married. The
ceremony wasn't much ... but the reception was excellent.



And ... there was the person who sent twenty different puns to
his friends ... with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make
them laugh. No pun in ten did.

_____________________________

"It's all according to how your boogaloo situation stands, you understand."

Formerly known as Colonel Mustard, before I got Slitherine Syndrome.

(in reply to Trugrit)
Post #: 22
RE: A competition to make other forumites smile despite... - 11/16/2015 11:08:44 PM   
CaptBeefheart


Posts: 2301
Joined: 7/4/2003
From: Seoul, Korea
Status: offline 		The bad guys have captured the Lone Ranger, have him naked on the ground, and are about to shoot him. "Do you have any last wishes??", one of them asks.
"Bring my horse, Silver, over here," the Lone Ranger replies.

They grant his wish and over comes Silver. The Lone Ranger whispers for a moment into Silver's ear. Then Silver disappears over the horizon like lightning. He returns in just a few seconds with a big, beautiful woman in the saddle. She hops off Silver, strips naked and in short order she and the Lone Ranger enjoy themselves to the utmost, much to the delight of the bad guys.

When they've finished, another bad guy says, "That looked like good fun. Do you have any other last wishes??"

"Yes...bring my horse, Silver, over here one more time," the Lone Ranger replies.

Silver approaches, and the Lone Ranger whispers into his ear, "You idiot! I said bring POSSE! P-O-S-S-E POSSE!"

Cheers,
CC

< Message edited by Commander Cody -- 11/17/2015 12:13:04 AM >

_____________________________

Beer, because barley makes lousy bread.

(in reply to dcpollay)
Post #: 23
RE: A competition to make other forumites smile despite... - 11/17/2015 12:35:52 AM   
wdolson

 

Posts: 10398
Joined: 6/28/2006
From: Near Portland, OR
Status: offline 		Two cats of the same size and weight are having a tug of war on a rooftop, which one will win? The one with the bigger mu. (Physics joke)

-----------------------

A horse thief, a priest and an engineer were sent to the guillotine. The priest goes first and asks to be put in there face up so he can be facing heaven when the deed is done. The blade fails to release and there is a tradition that if the execution device fails, the person is let go. The horse thief is next and figures if it worked for the priest he might as well try it and it fails for him too. The engineer decides to do the same thing and when they put him in the device, he says, "I see what you're problem is..."

_____________________________

WitP AE - Test team lead, programmer

(in reply to CaptBeefheart)
Post #: 24
RE: A competition to make other forumites smile despite... - 11/17/2015 2:01:49 AM   
jeffk3510


Posts: 4132
Joined: 12/3/2007
From: Kansas
Status: offline 		What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic?

Someone who stays up all night wondering if there is a Dog.

What's the difference between a Kansas stripper and a catfish?

One has whiskers and smells like fish and the other is a fish.

_____________________________

Life is tough. The sooner you realize that, the easier it will be.

Currently chasing three kids around the Midwest.

(in reply to geofflambert)
Post #: 25
RE: A competition to make other forumites smile despite... - 11/17/2015 2:08:31 AM   
wdolson

 

Posts: 10398
Joined: 6/28/2006
From: Near Portland, OR
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: jeffk3510

What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic?

Someone who stays up all night wondering if there is a Dog.



I have a dyslexic friend who was having insomnia problems. I told her that joke and she said "thanks, I'm going to be thinking about that all night tonight!"

_____________________________

WitP AE - Test team lead, programmer

(in reply to jeffk3510)
Post #: 26
RE: A competition to make other forumites smile despite... - 11/17/2015 2:11:37 AM   
jeffk3510


Posts: 4132
Joined: 12/3/2007
From: Kansas
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: wdolson


quote:

ORIGINAL: jeffk3510

What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic?

Someone who stays up all night wondering if there is a Dog.



I have a dyslexic friend who was having insomnia problems. I told her that joke and she said "thanks, I'm going to be thinking about that all night tonight!"


Well played

_____________________________

Life is tough. The sooner you realize that, the easier it will be.

Currently chasing three kids around the Midwest.

(in reply to wdolson)
Post #: 27
RE: A competition to make other forumites smile despite... - 11/17/2015 2:17:24 AM   
wdolson

 

Posts: 10398
Joined: 6/28/2006
From: Near Portland, OR
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: geofflambert

I know that this forum cannot be an outlet for the anger all of us feel about recent incidents. I also know that keeping rage in is not healthy.
I also know that many of us come to this forum to escape serious and disturbing things we are exposed to elsewhere.
I thought I could start a thread which likely won't last long but could give us at this time a refuge, a place to laugh or a place to groan. Here is my initial entry. You will be scoring points with your entries and whoever wins will be all of us.

I'm not sure what purchase this will have outside the US, you may be scratching your heads, but here it is:

Do you know what the French use to stick stuff together?


Liquid Snails.



My SO's response to this joke: "Look at that S car go!"

Two idiots are out in the woods and come across some tracks. One says, "those are deer tracks", the other says, "no they're bear tracks!" They went back and forth arguing about what type of tracks they were when the train hit them.

Bill

< Message edited by wdolson -- 11/17/2015 3:23:24 AM >

_____________________________

WitP AE - Test team lead, programmer

(in reply to geofflambert)
Post #: 28
RE: A competition to make other forumites smile despite... - 11/17/2015 4:20:01 AM   
warspite1


Posts: 41353
Joined: 2/2/2008
From: England
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: wdolson

quote:

ORIGINAL: geofflambert

I know that this forum cannot be an outlet for the anger all of us feel about recent incidents. I also know that keeping rage in is not healthy.
I also know that many of us come to this forum to escape serious and disturbing things we are exposed to elsewhere.
I thought I could start a thread which likely won't last long but could give us at this time a refuge, a place to laugh or a place to groan. Here is my initial entry. You will be scoring points with your entries and whoever wins will be all of us.

I'm not sure what purchase this will have outside the US, you may be scratching your heads, but here it is:

Do you know what the French use to stick stuff together?


Liquid Snails.



My SO's response to this joke: "Look at that S car go!"

warspite1

Trading Places!


_____________________________

England expects that every man will do his duty. Horatio Nelson October 1805



(in reply to wdolson)
Post #: 29
RE: A competition to make other forumites smile despite... - 11/17/2015 4:34:41 AM   
warspite1


Posts: 41353
Joined: 2/2/2008
From: England
Status: offline 		I went to the book shop and asked the assistant for a book about turtles, she said ‘hardback?’ and I was like, ‘yeah and little heads’.

I've removed all the German names from my mobile phone.... its now Hans free.



< Message edited by warspite1 -- 11/17/2015 5:35:56 AM >

_____________________________

England expects that every man will do his duty. Horatio Nelson October 1805



(in reply to warspite1)
Post #: 30
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