Greyshaft
Posts: 2252
Joined: 10/27/2003 From: Sydney, Australia Status: offline
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A tobacconist's shop. Text on screen: "In 1970, the British Empire lay in ruins, and foreign nationalists frequented the streets - many of them Hungarian (not the streets - the foreign nationals). Anyway, many of these Hungarians went into tobacconists' shops to buy cigarettes ..." A Hungarian tourist (John Cleese) approaches the clerk (Terry Jones). The tourist is reading haltingly from a phrase book. Hungarian: "I will not buy this record, it is scratched." Clerk: "Sorry?" Hungarian: "I will not buy this record, it is scratched." Clerk: "Uh, no, no, no. This is a tobacconist's." Hungarian: "Ah! I will not buy this *tobacconist's*, it is scratched." Clerk: "No, no, no, no. Tobacco ... um ... cigarettes." (holds up a pack) Hungarian: "Ya! See-gar-ets! Ya! Uh ... my hovercraft is full of eels." Clerk: "Sorry?" Hungarian: "My hovercraft ..." (pantomimes puffing a cigarette) "... is full of eels." (pretends to strike a match) Clerk: "Ahh, matches!" Hungarian: "Ya! Ya! Ya! Ya! Do you waaaaant ... do you waaaaaant ... to come back to my place, bouncy-bouncy?" Clerk: "Here, I don't think you're using that thing right." Hungarian: "You great poof." Clerk: "That'll be six and six, please." Hungarian: "If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me? I ... I am no longer infected." Clerk: "Uh, may I, uh ..." (takes phrase book, flips through it) "... Costs six and six ... ah, here we are." (speaks weird Hungarian-sounding words) Hungarian punches the clerk. Meanwhile, a policeman (Graham Chapman) on a quiet street cups his ear as if hearing a cry of distress. He sprints for many blocks and finally enters the tobacconist's. Cop: "What's going on here then?" Hungarian: "Ah. You have beautiful thighs." Cop: (looks down at himself) "WHAT?!?" Clerk: "He hit me!" Hungarian: "Drop your panties, Sir William; I cannot wait 'til lunchtime." (points at clerk) Cop: "RIGHT!!!" (drags Hungarian away by the arm) Hungarian: (indignantly) "My nipples explode with delight!" Scene switches to a courtroom. Characters are all in powdered wigs and judicial robes, except publisher and cop. Characters: Judge - Terry Jones; Bailiff - Eric Idle; Lawyer - John Cleese; Cop - Graham Chapman; Publisher - Michael Palin. Bailiff: "Call Alexander Yalt!" (voices sing out the name several times) Judge: "Oh, shut up!" Bailiff: (to publisher) "You are Alexander Yalt?" Publisher: (in a sing-songy voice) "Oh, I am." Bailiff: "Skip the impersonations. You are Alexander Yalt?" Publisher: "I am." Bailiff: "You are hereby charged that on the 28th day of May, 1970, you did willfully, unlawfully, and with malice of forethought, publish an alleged English-Hungarian phrase book with intent to cause a breach of the peace. How do you plead?" Publisher: "Not guilty." Bailiff: "You live at 46 Horton Terrace?" Publisher: "I do live at 46 Horton Terrace." Bailiff: "You are the director of a publishing company?" Publisher: "I am the director of a publishing company." Bailiff: "Your company publishes phrase books?" Publisher: "My company does publish phrase books." Bailiff: "You did say 46 Horton Terrace, did you?" Publisher: "Yes." Bailiff: (strikes a gong) "Ah! Got him!" Lawyer and cop applaud, laugh. Judge: "Get on with it, get on with it." Bailiff: "That's fine. On the 28th of May, you published this phrase book." Publisher: "I did." Bailiff: "I quote an example. The Hungarian phrase meaning 'Can you direct me to the station?' is translated by the English phrase, 'Please fondle my bum.'" Publisher: "I wish to plead incompetence." Cop: (stands) "Please may I ask for an adjournment, m'lord?" Judge: "An adjournment? Certainly not!" The cop sits down again, emitting perhaps the longest and loudest release of bodily gas in the history of the universe. Judge: "Why on earth didn't you say WHY you wanted an adjournment?" Cop: "I didn't know an acceptable legal phrase, m'lord." Cut to ancient footage of old women applauding. Judge: (banging and swinging gavel) "If there's any more stock film of women applauding, I'll clear the court."
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/Greyshaft
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