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Cap Mandrake -> The 98% Solution (9/20/2007 12:57:07 AM)
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**********Aboard USS Mississippi, Sept 25, 1942, Somewhere between Midway and Pensacola*************
She is in tow in a calm sea, two Mahan class DD's dragging her bulk through the unintentionally uncooperative Pacific. A Chief Petty Officer stands atop a forward turret which is slewed off to port, her guns at differing elevations. He holds a cardboard megaphone as the last battery powered version is inoperative.
"OK Boys, here are the new orders.
1) You are assigned to emergency head port 1 <he points to a few canvas-covered planks to his left>. We are out of toilet paper. You are instructed to splash seawater from the nearby bucket onto your bilge pump should the need arise. Please be advised this is NOT drinking water. I repeat, this is NOT drinking water. Also, make sure you strap yourself in with the safety harness. The Captain is really angry about the man overboard calls.
2) The main desalinator has failed. You are therefore instructed, in the event of rain, to stop all non-essential acitivities and point your open gullets toward the sky.
3) We have lost refrigeration. The menu has therefore been somewhat contracted. Breakfast will consist of salted beef and crackers. Lunch will be salted beef and cold canned green beans. Dinner will consist of salted beef and fig newtons for dessert. All the ships can openers have been renedered inoperable. Sailors are ordered to use a knife to open their cans.
4) In the event of submarine or air attack, you are instructed to go directly to your new, on-deck, assigned battle stations. With the exception of the aft 50 caliber crew, all others are instructed to quietly read the Lord's Prayer, handwritten copies of which have been supplied by the ship's Chaplain Office. Damage parties are working on repairing the Chaplain's typewriter at this time. ...................
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