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Cap Mandrake -> RE: The brilliant (and charming) Count Czernin (11/13/2007 10:26:54 PM)
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***********SEAC Air Transport Command, October 7, 1942**************
Again, Count Czernin stands at the front of the briefing room, which has been cleaned, with no small effort, by a crew of Untouchables, after the previous day's disaster. Unseen, a small piece of scalp clings to the support of the overhead light. A group of eager C-47 pilots, now one fewer in number, lean forward for the start of the briefing.
Count Czernin: Men, I would first like to commend you all for bearing up so well under the circumstances. It is not easy for me to return here either, but the 241 Group Thespian Club has the mess hall booked up for rehearsals for their annual musical review and their is no other suitable location. Thank you, again. I also have a request. Please, please, if someone is feeling unwell, by all means, simply quietly excuse yourself. We shan't want a reprise of the unfortunate incident with Flt. Lt. Laplace yesterday. There will be no questions asked and please don't stand on military decorum. We can't afford to lose any more of you chaps. RAF have only 8 trained pilots in reserve in theatre and they will be delegated to the Wellington or Spitfire, not in transports. Now, before we get started with the briefing, are there any questions?
Flt. Lt., Newton: <raises hand and is recognized with a nod> Sir, it's the narrator sir. He said "C-47" again. He called us "C-47 pilots".
Count Czernin: Ah, yes, thank you Flt. Lt.. <walks toward small open window which overlooks the briefing room and raises his voice> I say, you there, naer-RAY-tor! <no response is heard> I say again, you there, naer-RAY-tor!
Narrator: <NOTE: Narration in blue provided restrospectively by ad hoc editor because we didn't think it was fair for the on-scene narrator to narrate his own conversation given the disputed nature of the day's events. We tried to find Gen. Marshall but he seems to have disappeared. Also the associate editor seems to have disappeared. In fact, we are having a spot of trouble filling the position. Well, that is enough of that. Back to the story. Several of the pilots in the room were interviewed as were members of the clean-up crew of Untouchables. The Untouchables weren't really much help because the didn't speak English. They didn't smell very good, either. The pilots generally agreed that the on-scene Narrator had the practiced attitude of a department of motor vehicles employee who is three minutes late for his third union-mandated break of the morning. He leaned forward so his face could be seen through the window> Are you taking to me?
Count Czernin: If you are the naer-RAY-tor, then indeed I am.
Narrator: Nope. You have the wrong guy.
Count Czernin: Pardon? What are you doing in the naer-RAY-tor's booth then?
Narrator: I'm not in the naer-RAY-tor's booth.
Count Czernin: Yes you are.
Narrator: No I'm not.
Count Czernin: Young man, you most clearly are.
Narrator: No, I'm not. I'm in the NAER-ray-tur's booth.
Count Czernin: <Pauses, clearly annoyed> Look, that is NOT how it is properly pronounced.
Narrator: How would you know? Aren't you Polish or something?
Count Czernin: POLISH!? Young man, I will have you know I was born Count Manfred Maria Edmund Ralph Beckett Czernin von und zu Chudenitz.
Narrator: Oh great, a Kraut is telling me how to pronounce NAER-ray-tur. Maybe I should call you Graf. By the way, in English Maria is a girl's name.
Count Czernin: <approaches the window and speaks through clenched teeth> Young man, I will have you know my mother was English and my father Austrian. I have 13 victories and 5 shared victories. None can question my loyalty to the Crown.
Narrator: Ooooh. "Shared victories", in what team Risk?
Count Czernin: Young man, I will not be treated in such a fashion. I will have you brought up on charges of insubordination. You haven't even a proper uniform. What unit are you with?
Narrator: M & M Enterprises, Language Services Division. I have the exclusive franchise for East India and Burma and a contract with the RAF for narration services.
Count Czernin: I shall have you replaced then. Who is your supervisor?
Narrator: Mr. Minderbinder replace me? I don't think so. I won the M & M Orange Palm award for FY 42. I was cited for creative billing for once successfully collecting on 250 billed hours in a single week. Perhaps you could go to the Ledo Narrator's Union Hiring Hall and find someone.
Count Czernin: <draws near the window and lowers his voice> Look, what say we call a truce. Could you please just call the chaps Dakota pilots instead of C-47 pilots.
Narrator: Oh, like that matters. It is the same plane.
Count Czernin: They are not. The RAF fly the Dakota. They are distinct aircraft purchased by His Majesty's Government.
Narrator: Oh, yeah, I forgot. The enamel color on the starboard ash trays is different.
Count Czernin: Look, please, in the name of Allied co-operation in the war effort could you please just call them Dakota pilots.
Narrator: OK, but I will have to edit the previous transcripts. I am going to have to submit another 20 hrs.
Count Czernin: Fine. Thank you.
Narrator: No problem Graf, baby. Glad to be of service.
Count Czernin:<grumbles to himself on the way back to the front on the room> Bloody arrogant Yank. <then after composing himself> I have good news. The NAER-ray-tur has agreed to retitle you chaps Dakota pilots.
Pilots: HUZZAH!
Count Czernin: Yes, before we get to the main topic for today, the application of number theory to the war effort, I have prepared a brain teaser for you. Imagine that this is the function for the velocity of a Dakota over time <turns to blackboard and writes v=e**(t)> Now, imagine....
Flt. Lt. Newton: <clears throat> Excuse me, sir.
Count Czernin: Yes?
Flt. Lt. Newton: That can't be sir. You see, given that function for velocity the aircraft could never have zero velocity. She could never be at rest. At time zero she would be moving. Even if we allowed negative values for time, perhaps reperesenting her assembly, the solution would asymptotically approach zero but could never be zero. This would lead to the absurd situation of factory workers walking along rolling tyres trying to attach lugnuts. She would also be quite a beast to load or fuel.
Count Czernin: <vessels begin to bulge at his temples> Well...you see...<his eyes begin to bulge and his very forehead appears to broaden> ..thsi..was only ..meant to be ..a..a..thought experiment <further details redacted at the request of the RAF in the interest of morale>
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